Midnighter #6

Midnighter can't outthink sentient, stretchy microchips. Although it does look like he's going to try to blow them.

I'm sorry, homosexual community. I should stop making everything about sex just because the main character of this comic book is a gay male. Although I also make everything about sex when the character is a heterosexual alien female with gold skin as well. So maybe I should apologize to gay males and slutty aliens. As an aside, I put no moral judgments on the term "slutty". It's just a descriptor! If anything, I love slutty women! I would love to be considered a slutty man but I think you have to have loads of sex with lots of people and not just tons of sex with yourself to be considered slutty. I also make everything about sex when the character is Dick Grayson but that's only natural, right? You can't not think about sex when you're reading a comic book sporting a major boner. Not because I'm gay! I don't want anybody thinking I'm cockteasing the gay community by pretending to be gay! It's just that I know every female character dealing with Dick Grayson is going to have engorged and tender lady parts because he's so charming and handsome. I wish I was like that! But all the women who meet me merely wind up with freshly salted snail slugs in their underwear.

Last issue ended with Multiplex about to do something incredibly stupid. That something was attacking Midnighter. I'm sure Multiplex thought he was doing something clever by flying a military attack helicopter outside of Midnighter's apartment window on Thanksgiving because that sounds like a fairly sound plan to kill whomever you want dead. But Multiplex really should have discussed this plan with somebody other than other versions of himself because they wouldn't have simply said "No, no! That's a great plan, Me!" and "Terrific idea, Me old chum!" and "Fantastic! He'll be deader than a Christmas Goose!" and "It's just Thanksgiving now, Me. Do you think we can keep the Christmas talk until December?"

Hopefully the person flying the helicopter really is Multiplex or I'm going to wind up looking like a simple Master Comic Book Reader.

Midnighter's boyfriend realizes they're under attack by a gunship so he hands Midnighter a meat tenderizer so he can destroy it. Really, Matt? A meat tenderizer? Do you have no confidence in your boyfriend? I would have tossed him an olive with a toothpick through it. That's more than enough for Midnighter to destroy an attack helicopter!

The fork is a nice touch. I would also like to have seen Midnighter kill some Multiplexes with the turkey carcass and some gelatin.

Midnighter boards the Apache or whatever the fuck kind of helicopter it is (what am I? One of those nerds obsessed with military weapons and vehicles? No offense, you big nerds. That's a cool hobby. Although wouldn't it be cooler if y'all created some kind of Magic the Gathering type game but it was based on real weapons of war and you could dress in your authentic military outfits while commanding your card army full of the best weapons of every war? You know what. Forget I said that. It probably already exists) and kills a bunch of Multiplexes. Then Multiplex reveals why he's an idiotic supervillain and not a super genius supervillain like Lex Luthor or the other ones that you never think of because you can always just say "Lex Luthor."

I don't think even a Teen Plus comic book can show what's going to happen to that meat tenderizer.

Here's why Multiplex is so stupid! He shouldn't hate Midnighter! He shouldn't even be a villain! He should rent out his multiple persons as training dummies for super heroes! He should train under Bronze Tiger or Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. Then he should hire himself out to Batman or the Justice League or the Teen Titans or STAR Labs to be the ultimate training simulator with costs far less than any of the electronic ones constantly getting smashed to bits. Although I do love that he's becoming Midnighter's nemesis because this recurring battle will be a lot of fun.

Midnighter lands the helicopter on the roof of his apartment building after doing whatever unspeakable thing he did to Pilot Multiplex. Now he's got a free helicopter! I bet Multiplex is completely broke now. He should hire himself out to STAR Labs now!

Since Midnighter's apartment has been destroyed, he and Matt decide to travel the world while it's being renovated. That also gives Midnighter time to hunt down more stolen God Garden technology. He still hasn't found the person who stole it all in the first place. My bet is still on it being the real Lucas Trent.

Matt is able to travel because his job is giving his clients bread and circuses so it's easy to keep them happy. I guess that's a business that can never fail, right? I'm going to open a clown bakery and never have an unsatisfied client! Although I'm fearful that it might devolve into murderous teenage battles every few years. Bah! I'm sure there's some kind of insurance that covers that!

While on their trip, Matt's dad is beaten by the people who hate Midnighter because they were smart enough to put gay two and two together. Does this mean Midnighter is going to have to be less cavalier about his identity?!

"Let's see...there were an infinite amount of them. They were all the same height. They all had the same voice. They were in ridiculously stupid costumes."

Midnighter heads out to a men's restroom to beat up some thugs for information. Midnighter doesn't find any information but he does get to pull some guy's whole face off at the guy's own request. So that's a successful bathroom break. I guess.

Midnighter has no leads but Matt's father isn't so sure it matters. He doesn't care if the people who hurt him pay. He's not quite as obsessively vengeance-minded as Midnighter.

Coming out as a heterosexual to my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Midnighter is discovering that his computer brain is malfunctioning. Don't worry, Midnighter! That's just one of the effects of being trapped in a small town in Connecticut. Your head gets fuzzy and you fill your stomach with warm cocoa and everybody's accents make you feel like you're in a cartoon version of America. You eventually forget what the word "ambition" means and begin engaging in mundane hobbies like bird watching and taffy making. Perhaps you settle down and write a warm, nostalgic book about growing up in the eighties. It'll all feel normal in no time!

Although it's also possible that everybody in town is covered in Holt-Griffin Skin and your boyfriend is secretly the supervillain Prometheus!

Yeah. It's that second one.

Midnighter #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some of you may have heard that Midnighter is a homosexual. But--and this was super surprising to me--this comic book isn't just for homosexuals! Can you believe it?! When I first heard Midnighter was going to have his own comic book, I said, "But wait, DC Comics. How am I, a raging heterosexual who loves heterosexual so much that I might be the poster child for heterosexuality, understand a comic book about a gay superhero? Won't it be confusing? Won't I be constantly thinking, 'Why did Midnighter act that way?! That's not how a heterosexual would act!'" But guess what, comic book fans? Midnighter's adventures are completely understandable! At least the adventures that don't take place in other guys' mouths and pants. I don't get those adventures at all. I mean, I like the way my own penis looks. And I like touching it. Which really makes you wonder why I don't like touching other guys' penises, right? I mean, I'd put my own penis in my mouth if I could! But that's not gay for some reason. Right? Um, anyway, this book is fantastic and it's for everybody! It's even for scared white heterosexual male comic book fans who think they're losing stories for them when a character is not straight and white and male! Seriously, you fucking idiots. This is one of the best comic books on the stands and it's only partially because the character is gay. Because let's face it: the fact that this comic book is the best portrayal of a gay character in mainstream superhero comic books is a good part of the reason why this book is as superb as it is. Hell, it might currently portray the best intimate relationships in all of DC Comics, homo or hetero!