Justice League United #15

This cover isn't toning down my Medusa lust.

At the end of the last issue, OMAC appeared. OMAC used to be the One Man Army Corps but that wasn't modern or stupid enough so DC Comics changed it to the One Machine Attack Construct. Calling some super powered person a One Man Army Corps was probably offensive to soldiers in the army. Most soldiers in the army are probably offended by things like burning the American flag or people who thank them for fighting for freedom when they're expressly fighting for oil. But some soldiers in the army are nerds (because nerds are everywhere) and they were all, "Jack Kirby is a douche! He thinks what we do can be done by one simple minded stockboy with a computer?! One Man Army Corps, my ass! More like One Major...um...Asshole Clown!"

I put the "um" in there to show that most people in the army aren't great at thinking on their feet. I'm not entirely sure that's a fact but it seems to me that somebody wanting to live a regimented and structured life where they feel most comfortable being told what to do might be evidence of my bias. Except for anybody in the army reading this right now! You should probably ask for a promotion to Sergeant General!

This issue begins with an awful lot of phallus talk!

Von Hammer? Cosmic Rod? I'm starting to see the gay appeal of war comics!

OMAC, being Dan DiDio's favorite character to masturbate on, somehow doesn't defeat everybody else. That's probably because Jeff Parker is writing this comic book and now Super Jack Kirby Fan Dan "I Call My Penis 'OMAC: Overly Masculine Angry Cock'" DiDio. Instead, OMAC is punched in the face at the same time by Robotman and Steel. OMAC slumps to the ground defeated and I'm left thinking, "Why did Robotman say 'Finally!' when they defeated OMAC? OMAC has only been in this comic book series for five panels! Do most of Robtoman's battles last only one or two?! Why isn't Robotman the greatest hero in the DC Youniverse?!" The Doom Patrol should really have their own series by this point in The New 52. And even though I know Geoff Johns probably has dibs on that series, I think Jeff Parker would be a good fit to write it. He might not be Shakespeare when Shakespeare is really pounding out the highfalutin philosophical mumbo-jumbo that everybody likes to quote to look smart but he's definitely on par with Shakespeare when he's writing penis and fart jokes.

Batgirl and Vandal Savage arrive on the battlefield just as the Creature Commandos begin to regroup and Medusa hopefully pulls her shirt down lower to expose more cleavage. How come nobody has yet invented a bikini that shows vagina cleavage? That's a billion dollar idea right here!

Also arriving in time for the chaos: Sgt. Rock and Easy Company! I'm sure the Unknown Soldier is around somewhere as well. And of course Stargirl with Baron Von Hammer are directly above everybody in the sky. Not to mention all of the random troops full of regular people from every war that ever encroached on Arracourt, France. I think some Rocket Reds might be in the battle as well!

The Red Baron's plane gets shot out of the sky by Sgt. Rock and I feel a little strange reading a story where Stargirl is falling out of the sky in a crashing plane. Steel saves her life by throwing the rod at her and she flies to safety clutching her cosmic rod and Baron Von Hammer. Other sexy things that happen before a truce is called: Vandal commits perfidy, Medusa stands in a normal pose, and Robotman throws himself on a grenade thrown by the Unknown Soldier.

Working together, the new team of Justice League United and every war character ever created by DC Comics except for The Unknown Soldier storm the Breaker. Sgt. Rock knows where all of the enemies will be attacking because he's stormed the Breaker every single day that he's been trapped in the time anomaly. But now he has a small army at his back instead of the usual losers of Easy Company and they make it to the enemy in just a few minutes.

I knew it! Constant worship of the Unknown Soldier and a populace's need to append meaning to the death of every soldier is what keeps war going!

Once the Unknown Soldier is killed, everybody returns to their proper times. Although I don't know where OMAC and the Creature Commandos wind up since their books were cancelled a long time ago. I guess wherever they are, Justice League United will be meeting up with them soon.

Justice League United #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I just read an anti-war comic book? Fucking communists! How dare you put messages of peace and love hidden inside exciting stories about war?! If you want to make money exploiting war, that's cool. But you should put a warning on the cover if you're going to slip in some namby pamby hippie bullshit message like "war is bad." That's practically like stealing my money! How bad can war be when it's America's go-to solution to solve any problem? The war doesn't even have to be concerned with the solution to the problem either! It's just good to have a war, I guess. Freedom or some such. Because none of us would be free at all if we weren't off in other countries killing people. Thank God we have so many heroic men and women willing to throw their lives away for probably good reasons full of meaning which accomplishment important things. Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Jeff Parker! You won't fool me into buying your socialist rag again! Next time, I'm going to read the end of the story to make sure you put the proper, positive spin on war when the story wraps up. "No more war," my huge manly erection!