Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.