Superman Isn't Sure If He Loves Wonder Woman Anymore #22

I hope this is the breakup issue.

The worst part about being heterosexual is not being able to arrive at a location and yelling, "I'm here and I'm queer!" I mean, I guess you can if you want to tease all of the local gay people. If you still want to yell it and don't want to be a tease, I suppose after you have sex with all of the gay people, you can say, "Oh, I just meant I'm eccentric!"

The last three comic books I read were Doomed, Doctor Fate, and Lost Army. The subtext of that rather boring sentence is "I am one more shitty comic book away from killing myself." Now, I could have dug through the stack and picked a comic book I know I'll love. But instead I'm taking my chances with Superman Loves Wonder Woman. This is like a game of Russian Roulette. It's written by Peter J. Tomasi which probably means there's only one bullet in the chamber. But even he hasn't been enough to save the mess that has become Superman which probably means that lone bullet is about to get ass raped by the firing pin. Maybe I should put some tarps down before I read this because I have a feeling it's going to get messy.

The issue begins with Superman teleporting up to the Justice League satellite and it might be the most terrifying thing I'll read over Halloween. It takes--get this!--thirty freaking seconds for Superman to be transported from one location to the next! He thinks about it as if it's thirty seconds of peace and quiet. But what it really is is thirty long seconds of non-existence! Although judging by the way transporters work, it's probably not thirty seconds at all. It's probably fucking eternity! Transporters are little more than suicide machines! Once the original Superman is taken apart molecule by molecule, he's dead. Done. Gone! That thing that arrives at the other side? The one that looks like him because the transporter arranged all of his bits back into the proper structure? That's not Superman. That's a monster!

Oh! Maybe that can help me explain why he's been acting like such a jerk!

The way this is beginning, it feels like the Convergence Sneak Peek. I hope not. That's where all these awful powerless Superman stories began! Before that, they were mostly crap. After that, they were all crap. I'm surprised anybody still buys Superman comic books. I suppose lots of readers think they're reading good stories because shitty comic book reviewers talk about this depowered Superman story line as if it's exciting and well-written. I wish they could all be fired from doing something they all do for free anyway. Most of them are probably just a bunch of sweaty assholes dying to get their Pro-Superman blurb on the next collected edition. They trade their dignity and honor for a spoonful of silver coins and a song from Pontius Poppins. Bastards.

Superman tracks blood all over the satellite as he heads to the shuttle bay. I guess this is the extended version of the Sneak Peek. Superman is going to fly into the sun and Wonder Woman is going to go after him. I will try my hardest not to wonder how fast the Justice League Shuttles can fly as he goes from the Earth to the sun in probably less than an hour.

Back on Earth, this happens because why not?

The way she's been written lately (the way they've all been written!), I'd say Lois Lane probably deserved to get smacked in the face by somebody. Superman wasn't going to do it. Wonder Woman probably wanted to do it and may have actually paid Lana to do it. But I guess Lana did it because she's angry that Lois Lane endangered her friend and brought all of this bullshit down on his head. Although did she really? How did things go from Superman being mostly loved by everybody except General Lane, Lex Luthor, and the United States Government to everybody hating him simply because people learned his name is Clark Kent? The only person who doesn't believe Clark Kent is Superman is Lex Luthor which is stupid since Lex Luthor was the only one smart enough to figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman after the Dick Grayson/Nightwing reveal. I have a feeling Lex Luthor is going to be set up by Batman and Superman so that he gets proof that Clark isn't Superman. Then he'll expose the secret to the world and everybody will breathe a sigh of relief and go back to pointing out what a clumsy four-eyed jerk Clark Kent is.

Wonder Woman ditches Lana and Lois to go after Clark herself. She finds The Flash groggy from having been sucker punched by Clark. That's appropriate. Everybody punching everybody else for the most negligible of reasons! Even if they had good reason, it's still idiotic. For being good people and super heroes, they sure do rely on violence an awful lot.

Diana flies out to bring Superman back before he burns up or suffocates in space or dies in any number of horrible ways now that he's not even close to being invulnerable anymore. The Flash teleports them back and then Superman drops the bomb that really should have been Wonder Woman's bomb about sixteen issues ago.

Remember all the dead-eyed stares from Wonder Woman last issue? I'm pretty sure she knows she doesn't love Superman anymore. Although it could have just been Doug Mahnke not giving a shit about his job.

Clark decides to hold a grudge against Diana because she didn't do as he told her in the last few issues. Plus he's probably just trying to push her away in a lame attempt to keep her safe. But if he is, he's doing it in one of those ways that, if you're Diana, should be unforgivable. Telling somebody you're supposed to love that "you don't think you love them anymore" is the fucking end of it. If not for the person saying that, definitely for the person who was told it. Because either they don't love you anymore and you should just move on because they're trying to end it, or they do still love you and they're playing fucking games and trying to hurt you. Either way, fuck it. Dealbreaker. Done. Walk away from that shit, Diana.

Wonder Woman takes this petty garbage like the only adult in pretty much any Superman comic book right now. She just gets on with the business of finding the enemy kidnapping powerful beings to use as a source of energy. She's determined to do League work no matter how Superman's acting. So if he said the thing about not loving her to push her away, it didn't work anyway.

Superman and Wonder Woman decide to kidnap Parasite to use him as bait for their unknown stalker. They board the helicopter transporting him and actually take over without punching the shit out of a bunch of people just doing their job.

Although if I were one of the guards, I'd hate to have to face Amanda Waller after this. Maybe it would have been better if they were all knocked unconscious.

And so they kidnap Parasite and are ready to use him for bait next issue.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #22 Rating: No change. This was just the Convergence Sneak Peek with some extra pages and a breakup. At least I hope it's a breakup. It had better fucking stick. I want Diana to run into Selina and have Selina tell Diana to just forget about Superman. It's such a waste of time trying to have a fuckship with these do-gooders who think everything out of their face-holes is righteous wisdom. I guess the bad guy still hasn't been revealed either. I mean, aside from him being called Mr. Bend. Too bad I didn't read this earlier so I could have advised everybody to just skip it! Although if you're into women punching other women in the face, I guess this was worth the cover price.