Starfire #5

Under the sea! Starfire's Vagina is better when she is wetter! Take it from me!

Starfire's Vagina is currently on a mating ritual with Dick Grayson Look-a-like. Starfire's Vagina is all, "I am very literal because that is always a totally hilarious way to seem innocent and adorable. Especially when it is coming out of the sexiest body in the DC Youniverse. I am the epitome of the child-woman that every man secretly wants but only Japanese men admit to." Dick Grayson Look-a-like is all, "I do not know how to say things which will not wind up being misunderstood." And Starfire's Vagina is all, "Where do you wind up the misunderstanding? I do not see a key anywhere at all?"

I hate people who give cheesy prepackaged toasts.

Starfire's Vagina says her own toast she learned about women in thong underwear. Then she has to ask about thong underwear instead of doing that thing where she imagines a picture of a naked woman with a sandal shoved into her privates. Dick Grayson Look-a-like's Boner is all, "Hello! I'd like to make a toast! To honor! Once you're on her, stay on her! BOOOOOIIIIINNNGGGG! Woop! Woop woop woop woop wooop!"

Dick Grayson's Look-a-like's Boner is too much to type every time so I should probably just call him by his real name: Soren's Boner.

Starfire's Vagina touches Soren's Boner and he accidentally shares a memory with her telepathically. Starfire's Vagina finds that Soren's Boner is a doctor who has magic cancer healing powers! But the magic cancer healing powers are killing Soren's Boner! And they're sending him into psychotic rages where he murders people on cruise lines or beats the crap out of people trying to help him or forces him to carjack people and hide their bodies in the trunk. Maybe some of those aren't due to the tumor growing in his brain and are just things he occasionally likes to do to relieve stress or to get a free vehicle.

Soren's Boner gets embarrassed because Starfire's Vagina saw too much and he runs away just as Atlee's Butthole arrives. Atlee's Butthole thinks that Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill should be told all about Soren's Boner but Starfire's Vagina doesn't want to get a potential sex partner in trouble with the law. So instead Starfire's Vagina just swims naked and thinks about spelunking up Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill's ass.

It's not obscene to show the inside of an asshole? Because I'm super turned on now!

Some other stuff happens that probably doesn't matter. Like a new character named Kragg Gorn Kee is introduced and he's a total psycho maniac bad-ass but also a family man. Also he might not be a new character but fuck if I've ever heard of him. Then Starfire's Vagina gives birth to a baby whistling star and sets it free. The next morning she gets dressed for a job interview but it's for an aquarium and not for a strip club so she isn't allowed to dress however she wants. Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill tells Starfire's Vagina a bunch of lies about men and boobs. She's all, "You have to hide your breasts or else men will act dumb!" That is so stupid. Do not hide your breasts on my account, women. I am all for shirts that do not cover the breasts. I will act very smart around exposed boobs! I will also masturbate in private later thinking about how awesome they were. Although if I saw lots and lots of different boobs every day, I'd probably find them mundane and not titillating at all! Eventually we'll get to a place where it's just as normal for women to go topless as it is for men. But there will be an interim period where men are masturbating a whole lot more than they already are. I'd rather see more exposed butts. But only fit butts! Please put on some clothing if your butt isn't fit because if I see it I will expect you to apologize to me because it's practically like stepping on my toes. And you all know how that goes! If you offend me for any reason, it's your fault and you'd better apologize, gross butt person!

At her interview, Starfire's Vagina doesn't answer the questions to the employer's satisfaction. She is all, "I have no experience or visa or social security number or work history or humanity." And he is all, "Would you like to see the dolphins?" I hope Starfire's Vagina kisses a dolphin so she can learn their language!

That dolphin's mouth is all over Starfire's Vagina! Also it's a female dolphin so that makes it even sexier. If you're a guy. Or a lesbian. Or a woman who wants guys to think she's wild. Or a dolphin.

The employer is ecstatic that Starfire's Vagina can speak dolphin now that she's made face with it. Is that a sexy make out saying? "Made face"? Anyway, the aquarium guy wants to hire Starfire's Vagina immediately so that she can kiss all of the aquatic animals in the place!

Later, Starfire's Vagina attends a party where Sol's Penis cannot stop staring at her. Rave's Libido can't stop staring at Sol's Penis. I don't remember who Rave's Libido is but she's another attractive person. Only attractive people live in Key West unless they're a responsible man and then they can look goofy and bald and chubby. Maybe older woman can look, um, "authentic" as well. But if you're young and female in Key West, you must be the sexiest person alive. Most of the young men are hot and sexy too but I had to ask a woman who was passing by if they were hot and/or sexy because I'm a full blown man who can't tell those kinds of things. Sometimes my penis twitches when a hot guy passes by but that's only because I'm thinking about the hot women he gets to have sex with.

Why is Starfire's Vagina not imagining a party pooping?

When Kori's Vagina gets back to her place, she finds Sol's Penis in a pool of blood and Soren's Boner sitting next to him. I'm glad that battle happened off panel!

Starfire #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I used to constantly imagine everything I read as a video game. And this was back when video games mostly sucked so my imagined games were way past the cutting edge of actual games. One game I imagined playing that wasn't based on anything I read was one where I was the last person on Earth and all you did in the game was break into abandoned houses and rummage through other people's things. That would be a really fun game. But I think this Starfire comic book would be a fun game as well. You would live in Key West fighting the occasional weird thing that happens but on your down time, you would try to get a job, drink a lot, have as much sex as possible as your landlord clucked her tongue at you, and had to earn experience to recognize things like forks and potato peelers. Although let's be honest. I, at least, would probably just strip Starfire down to her underwear and try to bang everybody I met. Come to think of it, that's all this comic book should be about! It's okay right now but that would really bring it up to the level of something like V for Vendetta or Elfquest.