Action Comics #45

Nobody looks terrified. That woman just seems to be disgusted and saying, "Um, no thank you." The guy is totally jealous though because he's got a tiny wiener.

The first page of this issue is just there to remind everybody that the rest of the issue is going to be a real bummer. Mostly because the first page has the credits and Greg Pak's name is still in them. But also because a reporter is reminding the readers how Superman has lost all of his powers which makes him boring, the whole world knows he's Clark Kent which actually means almost nothing, and Superman has an approval rating of 23 percent which is far higher than I would have guessed based on the intense xenophobia he's been facing lately. Superman is also still just wearing the t-shirt and jeans look developed in Grant Morrison's initial run on Action Comics when The New 52 began.

Here's a theory that's too dumb to be true which means it's probably true based on the intelligence of the people running DC Comics: could it be that the editors and creative directors believe that the only successful run of Superman so far (Morrison's Action Comics run) was successful because of what he was wearing?!

The reporter points out that Superman is actually being heroic which makes no sense because people hate him and he lost his powers so why is he bothering? He's probably just trying to increase his approval rating. What a jerk.

See? People in on Earth-You are stupid jerks.

Even if it's just for show, it's more than that greasy cook is doing to save people's lives. And Superman doesn't even expect anything in return from the people he's saving, like belief in his Lord and Savior or monetary gain! Oh wait. I guess he expects good press!

I just realized the main reason everybody should be angry at Superman! Somebody needs to do an expose on Clark Kent and dig up all of his articles that praise Superman! Then at least people can be mildly disgusted about how Superman used his bully pulpit to present himself as a great guy with terrific abs and an inordinate ability to please his lovers.

Everybody knew he was an alien before, didn't they? Why is that such a big deal now?

If everybody didn't already realize Superman was an alien, how did it become an issue? Finding out he's Clark Kent should have made people suspect that maybe he was just pretending to be an alien! Hasn't anybody done that fucking expose on Clark Kent yet that I mentioned earlier?! You'd think that would be the entirety of the episode of "60 Minutes" the week following Lois's article. "Who is Clark Kent?!" I'm sure records exist that document him all the way back to when he was a baby. And only he, Martha, and Jonathan know the details of his arrival on this planet, and two of those people are dead! Couldn't Clark just point out he was born on the farm? He should just say he made up the Krypton back story to go with the costume and the alter ego after he discovered he had strange powers that he probably got from that jerk Lex Luthor!

I don't even get this part of the argument. I don't think Greg Pak even understands why people hate Superman. He probably just has Eddie Berganza over his shoulder yelling, "You have to make people hate Superman or I'll touch your junk!"

My main complaint about this diner that Clark Kent wandered into to write isn't even that the cook is an idiot. My main complaint is that they have a television on the wall blaring out the fucking news as people try to enjoy their greasy food.

The cook and the waitress get into a physical confrontation as Clark decides whether or not to intervene. Apparently he now has some kind of face altering technology. It's not Spyral brand though; it's the knock-off Waynetech version. Clark uses his heat vision to set off the sprinklers which disrupts the fight. He also leaves a forty dollar tip for the waitress because I guess we were supposed to be on her side in the brawl even though she was being a huge ass and escalated the entire argument by throwing glasses? Oh wait, I think it was okay to smash up the store because the cook made a sexist comment. That'll teach him to get mad when the waitress tells him to shut up! What a huge jerk!

When are we going to find out what happened to Krypto? And did Superman just abandon the Fortress of Solitude?

Superman has a new Fortress of Solitude at the edge of the Talladega National Forest in Alabama. He's also got a new secret identity! He's Archie Clayton and he works at Swan Laundry! I hope nobody ever finds out that he's got another secret identity because his approval rating can't afford another hit!

Toymaster tracks down Superman at his new Fortress of Solitude because of course he did. He can do whatever Greg Pak wants him to do because he's a fictional character that everybody reading has to believe is a super genius that isn't stymied by anything at all! Not space! Not time! Not reality! Of course once Hiro steps foot in the new place, Clark has to blow it up. Does that mean Archie Clayton is already dead?!

Is this the Secret Origin of The Toyman?!

Luckily Archie Clayton survives! Whew! I was really beginning to like that guy. He's on a mission to deliver warm towels to the gym inside Lyfegene, Inc. It's way more exciting than Superman stopping a comet from smashing into the Earth or running a race against the Flash.

No clean towels needed here!

Is this an Intergang thing? Some people might be wondering how Archie Clayton figured out this was going on at Lyfegene. It's not like he's the World's Greatest Detective! But he was a fairly mediocre investigative journalist! Sure, most of his investigations had to do with the size of Superman's cock (Huge!) and how heterosexual Superman was (Way!) and how often he scored on a daily basis (100%! Sometimes more!). When Clark Kent actually put his mind to the job instead of just writing puff pieces on Superman, Clark has discovered he's actually pretty good at his job! All this time, he could have been giving Lois Lane a run for her Pulitzer!

Actually they're not Intergang. That was so last universe. These are those Supremacist guys. They're like super racists with access to power stealing technology.

Why is this universe so chock full of power stealing technology?! I have a new theory that might be too dumb to be true (but probably isn't): comic book writers are lazy!

Archie Clayton has to rip off his uniform and expose himself as Clark Kent! I mean Superman! He saves everybody and discovers they've been infected with the Black Stuff just like Lee Lambert! Also they've captured Lee Lambert! Also Superman gets infected with the Black Stuff too!

Great. Once again, Superman has been compromised by bad shit! Batman was so fucking right about this guy being a danger to the world.

Action Comics #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. So many things that need to change in the way Superman comics are currently written that I probably couldn't come up with them all offhand. But one thing that needs to stop immediately is the way Superman keeps getting compromised and turning bad. Between being mind-controlled by psychics, possessed by the Joker, turned into a sorceress's puppet through magic, or infected with the Doomsday virus, Superman has become the biggest enemy in Superman comic books. What does any of it prove? That he can overcome adversity? No. It proves he's a selfish prick that's a bigger danger to the world than anything he's fighting against. He keeps proving Batman right, time and time again. This guy is dangerous. And he's selfish because he doesn't leave Earth when he realizes that he doesn't have any defense against being manipulated. I don't think Superman is selfish, so writers have only two choices. Either Superman leaves the Earth until he can find a way to stop being controlled by every piece of shit villain that comes down the pike, or writers need to just fucking stop with the "Superman is being controlled and is now a danger to everybody" story arcs! Can somebody please just make Superman heroic again?!