Secret Six #6

Goddamn mostly black covers always show how dirty my scanner is. I mean, gross! Your monitor is disgusting!

Those bloody footprints on Susan's train must have been made by The Atom who shrunk down and entered her butt. Hopefully it's not actually Jean Loring or else this wedding is going to end in disaster instead of really weird butt stuff.

Last issue ended with Big Shot Ralph Dibny leading his new "family" into an ambush. Strix and Catman were not tranquilized which seems like a bad idea. It must have been an oversight because Strix alone could take out somebody like The Riddler and his henchmen while Catman licks his own asshole. But then that might also be the point because I highly doubt The Riddler is the real Mockingbird. My money is on Ferdie.

The Riddler has come to the same conclusion I came to in my last commentary: one of the six has a really large diamond shoved up their ass.

What's the secret?! I think the answer to "What's the secret?" is going to keep shifting because this comic book is a lot like Laura Palmer. It's full of secrets and wrapped in plastic and is often manhandled by dimwitted morons named James (and lots of other names as well, I'm sure. Like Bobby or Tess). So right now, the big secret to be discovered is the location of the diamond. The other secrets are things like why is Susan willing to marry The Riddler and who is the real Mockingbird and why doesn't somebody get Strix a fucking electronic tablet already? Oh! I think I know the answer to the last one. Because she'll constantly be playing Fruit Ninja and/or Angry Birds! I couldn't choose between those two games because they both fit her character. What's the secret?!

The Riddler doesn't know the answer to the "Whose butt is worth more than Bruce Wayne?" riddle so he threatens to start shooting kneecaps until somebody squawks. Or at least writes something down on a notepad.

I hate to say, "I told you so, Riddler, because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I always know everything that's about to happen from my years of experience reading comic books and not doing much else with my life although I'm not really sure what the secret is yet but that's because I'm not sure which one we're actually focusing on right now since I already guessed the diamond in somebody's butt secret."

Strix defeats all of The Riddler's henchmen and then Catman takes care of The Riddler. I guess that takes care of the first pretender to Mockingbird's throne! Although a wedding still has to take place, so I'm guessing Sue might actually be into Nygma for some reason. I bet that reason starts with "org" and ends in "OH MY FUCKING GOD YES!"

Ha ha! That's a comment about where he likes to stick his penis!

I'm not sure I get the "colon" comment because there are two things I am terrible at: punctuation and biology. I probably used that previous colon improperly! Although with a name like E. Nygma, you'd think he'd actually be called the semicolon because who the fuck knows the proper time to use that shit?! The semicolon is always all, "Oh! Oh! You can use me here in this list of complex sentences that use commas which follow a colon if you want to be less confusing than just using another comma between them!" And I'm all, "What the fuck are you talking about? Get out of here with that shit!" And the semicolon is sometimes all, "Oh! Oh! Those two sentences share enough in common that you can use me between them instead of that period which is always getting all of the work anyway!" And I'm all, "Who the fuck let you in here? Get out of here, semicolon!" Then the semicolon pouts and goes off to be used incorrectly in millions of other sentences all over the internet. Good work, semicolon. That'll do.

Just as Catman is about to kill The Riddler, Sue Dibny comes to his rescue and threatens to blow up everybody on the pier if they don't back off. What's the secret?! Oh! Oh! I think I know the new secret! It starts as a riddle: Why would Sue Dibny work for The Riddler in much the same way everybody else works for The Riddler? Because he has something she loves! Like, perhaps, her and Ralph's baby! It's been over a year since the boat explosion, right? A year in which Ralph thought Sue was dead. She was probably pregnant but didn't yet know it the night of the yacht explosion and now she has to do whatever The Riddler says for the sake of her and Ralph's child. What's the secret?!

If I knew anything about punctuation, I'd bet that that ellipsis means something! Like maybe, "I love you Ralph but I have to pretend not to for the sake of our little girl!" It's also possible it simply means, "Who is this bloated weird misshapen man who seems to think I mean something to him which maybe I do since I really can't remember anything past the last year very clearly?"

The Riddler returns to his original plan of shooting all of the Secret Six in the kneecaps until he finds his diamond. But now he expects Ralph to fire the bullets because all of his henchmen have been killed by Strix. Ralph would rather die than live without Sue's love so he decides not to shoot anybody. But the others don't want to die no matter who Sue loves, so they're going to have to start another fight. Porcelain and Catman attack Ralph (even though they don't want to because he's become their surrogate father) while Ferdie does the real heroic work.

I'm a bit disappointed that Ferdie's dialogue was so non-pervy. Maybe "vaudevillians" is a double entendre that I'm not familiar with!

Ferdie reveals to The Riddler that he has the diamond. Didn't I say earlier that I thought Ferdie was the one who stole it? Remember when I said my money was on Ferdie being Mockingbird? That was, um, my way of saying he stole the diamond as well. You just weren't reading closely enough.

Black Alice wakes up dressed as Black Orchid and threatens to destroy everybody with Black Orchid's powers unless they stop hurting Big Shot. Everybody stops not because they're afraid of what Black Alice can now do but because they have to turn to each other and say things like, "Who is Black Orchid again?" or "Black Orchid is magic? I thought she just, um...come to think of it, what does she do?" While everybody Googles Black Orchid on their mobiles, Sue Dibny gets away by boat (possibly with The Riddler although maybe not because Sue might be Mockingbird. What is the secret?!) after which she blows up the docks. But the Secret Six manage to jump or fly away from the explosion in time to not have to change the title to Secret Five or Less. Even though, technically, they're the Secret Seven right now. Math! It's so unreliable.

Ferdie loses the diamond in the explosion so that takes care of that secret. The next secret to discover has to do with Alice passing out after mentioning The Spectre and then suddenly not breathing. I don't think mouth-to-mouth helps bring souls back into bodies though. Unless that's exactly what it does! And here I thought it was all about getting the heart beating and the lungs pumping again. Mouth-to-mouth really is just about kissing passionately until the soul decides to come back to the human body for love, isn't it?

Secret Six #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is pretty good, all things considered. And all of those things are characterization and plot and dialogue and mystery and themes and jokes about punctuation and murderous puppets. Especially the murderous puppets. I don't know how DC Comics runs their company but if they don't begin publishing a Brave and the Bold style team-up book starring Ferdie and Cheeks the Toy Wonder then I can only assume that they hate making money.