All Star Section Eight #4

Nobody wants to hear the truths these guys have to tell.

Logging on to Facebook is like asking to be disappointed in humanity. A friend of a friend posted the Mark Twain quote, "When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade without further introduction." They then went on to add, "Or better yet, 'When a man loves animals...'". Excuse me. You do not "or better yet" Mark Twain. Besides, you're missing the point of the entire quote if you think you can simply replace "cats" with any animal at all. I will now add you to my list of nemeses, Jackson Galaxy, whoever the fuck you are.

Another post by one of my friend's daughters about that gender fluid reporter from out of Ireland featured a comment by one of her friends in which she said, "I'm super gender fluid!" Well, la dee da! Aren't you the most special snowflake. I have a feeling a lot of young people are currently saying they're some sexuality other than heterosexual even if they are heterosexual simply because you're seen as a vanilla nobody on the wrong side of all causes if you're just a lousy, boring hetero. Well, I'm not afraid to be uncool! I'll say it now: I'm super heterosexual, Mr. and Mrs. Super Gender Fluid! Just ask any woman I've ever been with! I'm so super heterosexual that I've failed to please every single one of them because I get so super excited about the potential sex I'm going to have that I simply coat the inside of my pants leg with my love spunk. So there!

I know I'm not supposed to question things like people's expressed sexual identity but come on! I'm a cynic! I question everything! Young people love to do things that will increase their cool factor and they've never, in the history of young people (and older people, for that matter), hesitated to embellish things with a few lies here and there. Everybody wants to be more sexually diverse than the next person when all that matters is that, in matters of sex, you satisfy your partner however you can. All sex is the pursuit of the orgasm so vanilla sex is just as good as Double Fudge Crunch Oral so long as all parties involved come their fucking minds out. Although when one sexual activity is referred to as Double Fudge Crunch Oral, I can't help but think it's better than Vanilla. No wonder all the cool kids are fucking everything!

Before reading this issue, I took another look at the cover because Wonder Woman's negative space is super sexy. Although her torso is about one-fifth the size of her legs which, I think, is not the proper proportions for the human body. I could be wrong though since I didn't really do well in Biology. All of the tests were multiple choice but in that way that makes multiple choice really hard by having only the slightest variances in the answers and then saving choices D and E for things like "A and C" or "B and C". Fuck that professor.

I think Guts might have a problem with this speech.

Wonder Woman says one of those things you should never say if you're in a comic book or on Three's Company. She says that the only super-heroine who would ever join Section Eight is one suffering from brain damage. Besides being a super ableist thing to say (see how I added the "super" to make it literally five million times better? I'm practically a youth myself over here!), it also ensures that she's going to take a blow to the head which will allow her to join Section Eight. So walking out of the bar, Baytor accidentally hits her in the face with a Harley-sized mallet.

The title of this issue is "In Your Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights" because that was the most feminist part of Wonder Woman's theme song.

I think Diana got knocked down to Starfire level intelligence.

Wonder Woman excitedly joins the team even though Sixpack has doubts about allowing her in under these conditions. He feels like maybe it might be taking advantage of her and that's probably a thing Section Eight doesn't want to be known for, excluding Bueno Excellente. But Hacken tells Sixpack all about feminism and how no guy should stand in the way of what a woman wants to do so Sixpack thinks maybe it's not his call to tell Wonder Woman she can't be a part of the team even though she's suffering from a major concussion. It's all very ethically complex, especially when you're completely intoxicated.

Sixpack passes out or strokes out or has a heart attack or something. It's a bit unclear since he often lies on the floor of Noonan's in puddles of piss, shit, and vomit. While he's unconscious, Wonder Woman encounters Bueno Excellente and Guts.

No way is a wedding going to take place or else the cover would have had Guts in a bridal gown.

See the picture of Tommy on the wall? McCrea lifted that from his JLA/Hitman crossover:

I remember some stuff better than other stuff!

The wedding actually does take place and Guts looks radiant in her gown. Bueno cuts a nice figure in his coat and leather loincloth as well. Baytor presides over the marriage by reciting Revelations and screaming his name a bunch. When the ceremony ends, Bueno and Guts kiss to make it official.

Brain damaged Wonder Woman is adorable.

After the wedding, Wonder Woman rearranges the furniture in Noonan's (one of the tables has Hacken Hearts Ringo carved into it. So cute!) to create a hotel for Bueno and Guts to engage in Honeymoon activities. If anything is going to knock some sense back into Wonder Woman, it'll be watching Bueno and Guts deprave each other.

But since nobody wants to witness Bueno and Guts consummate their marriage, Baytor smashes Wonder Woman in the face with his mallet again because that's the only real remedy for a severe concussion. Sixpack pisses himself for probably the eighth time in this issue alone (it's hard to tell since his crotch is always seeping) as Wonder Woman gets back up. She declares none of this ever happened and Sixpack agrees since he sort of has the same deal with every other super hero in the DC Universe. As she walks out, Sixpack hears somebody telling Sidney that he needs to stop. But Sixpack isn't quite ready to let go of his hallucination in his alcoholic fugue state. He still needs to deal with a couple of more characters. Maybe next issue he'll meet Swamp Thing or John Constantine. I think they can help him.

All Star Section Eight #4 Rating: No change. Does this comic book really need to be reviewed? It's by Ennis and McCrea and it's about a ridiculous group of disgusting individuals, many of which he created in the pages of Hitman almost two decades ago. I'm pretty sure you know when you see it sitting on the shelf whether you're going to enjoy its humor or you're only buying it so you can rant about how offensive and tasteless it is online. That being said, this was a particularly funny issue with a fantastic cover by Amanda Conner because of that one leg and then the other one and then that place they meet.