Superman #42

I just noticed I have Superman ranked at #12. That's a huge mistake! It should be much lower. Sorry for disappointing everybody with my failures.

I would fix Superman by making this comic book be all about heroic yet relatively mild Superman stories. Show him as the caring, compassionate man that was raised in a loving family by kind parents. Sure, he can still battle big threats in this comic book but the main thrust of each story shouldn't be whether Superman uses a jab or an uppercut to defeat the bad guy. The story should be about finding ways to protect the people of Metropolis as he battles the threat. People are so worried about Superman being so powerful that he becomes uninteresting due to a lack of tension in the story. But what if DC Comics were to embrace that fact? Everybody knows Superman is going to win, so how about writing Superman stories where he never has to struggle against the enemy. Accept that defeating the enemy is a foregone conclusion and probably won't even take much effort. Replace the tension and drama with how Superman must defeat the bad guy without destroying any building in Metropolis. Make it so Superman ensures the safety of every citizen as he battles the bad guy. Hell, write a story that's basically a rip-off of the sitcom episode where the main character has two dates for prom. Maybe Superman promised a bunch of sick kids that he'd hang out with them some afternoon when Brainiac attacks and Superman has to find a way to defeat Brainiac while entertaining the kids at the same time. Let Superman be so powerful that he can't lose! I think we can all be on board for that. I think it would be more interesting anyway if Superman were half-distracted while battling an alien invasion and he still has no problem defeating them. Hell, you can even write the stories from another character's perspective while Superman's battle takes place in parallel in the background.

Once you've fixed the Superman title so that it's not all about how he's suddenly helpless and vulnerable, turn Action Comics into a series about Metropolis. Bring in some other heroes that are less effective than Superman and show them taking care of other problems while Superman is busy. Hell, Bullock is currently the main character in Detective Comics so make Beebo the main character of Action Comics! Just do something which is more interesting than this stupid fucking loss of identity and loss of power bullshit. Oh no! Superman doesn't know how he fits into the world anymore! And it's a world that suddenly hates his guts because he lied to them about his real name! OH NO! The fucking tragedy of it all!

This issue begins with Clark, Jimmy, Lois, and their new friend and front page story Condesa hanging out on a hill overlooking Metropolis. Clark was shot last issue and bled like a stuck motherfucker all over the back seat of Jimmy's car. But now he seems fine. Lois and Condesa seem cool with not taking Clark to the hospital. It's like he has super healing powers or something. Lois isn't acting freaked out so she must be the anonymous tipster that already knows Clark is Superman. She's just biding her time before she publishes the story that will win her a Pulitzer and destroy Clark's life. I'm sure Clark, being her best friend, will be okay with that.

Condesa used to work for a company called HORDR. It's the Intergang of Information. If you've got a secret, they'll find it out and blackmail you with it! They sound like a totally legit company that nobody in power would be afraid of at all. As Condesa spills her secrets, the group is attacked by some of those Shadow Ninjas that have been plaguing Superman lately. But Clark destroys them all right in front of everybody!

How dumb does Clark think Lois is? If I were Lois Lane, I'd be offended!

Lois Lane is offended but not because Clark thought she was stupid. No, she's angry that he didn't tell her. Wait a second. Is this an episode of Arrow?! Clark realizes that Condesa's ex-boss, HORDR_ROOT, also knows Superman's secret identity. That means Superman needs to defeat HORDR_ROOT and probably kill him. Or at least get Martian Manhunter to erase his memory. What Clark doesn't realize is that he should probably kill Lois as well. At least he'll be able to feel self-righteous about lying to her all these years after she publishes his secret identity.

Superman takes everybody to visit Hiro the Toymaster so he can replicate a mask which acts like a badge for access to HORDR's campus. Then Condesa programs it by speaking binary directly into the mask. She's a super-nerd!

The HORDR_CAMPUS is in the clouds because why not? It's a good pun for a company that's all about technology and information, right?! On the bus ride up into the sky, Lois basically tells Clark that she doesn't think of him as her friend anymore because now he's just a story and she feels like she's in the right to expose him because he didn't tell her his secret earlier. This really has become an episode of Arrow, hasn't it?

Maybe I've just never been friends with wishy-washy assholes but it pisses me off to read a story where a person immediately stops being friends with another person when they find out the friend was keeping a reasonable secret from them. Here's how that conversation has gone with me and my best friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "What's your deepest, darkest secret?!"
Me: "I'm not fucking telling you! I'm not telling anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "No way! What is it?! What's so bad you won't even tell me? Did you murder a baby?!"
Me: "I can neither confirm nor deny the murder of a baby because if I deny anything you ask me about my secrets, you'll eventually figure them out through the process of elimination!"
Doom Bunny: "Did you fuck your mother?!"
Me: "Okay, I will deny that one. You're disgusting! I'm not your friend anymore!"

To this day, he knows I have a secret that I won't tell him and he's still my stupid friend! Although there are plenty of other reasons why he should stop being my stupid friend. Like how I call him my stupid friend.

See?! If I tell Doom Bunny my secrets, he'll probably use it against me and force me to get coffee for him!

Everything in HORDR's work environment is named HORDR UNDERSCORE SOME-OTHER-WORD. I don't know how people are saying it. Are they pronouncing the underscore or is it just implied?

Condesa ditches Jimmy, Lois, and Clark just as HORDR_ROOT announces that three people have infiltrated the HORDR_PLEX. That's when a bunch of HORDR_BOTS descend on them. But Superman grabs his friend and Lois and drags them to safety.

Except instead of safety, Clark winds up in HORDR_ROOT's throne room. Sort of.

This scene makes me think Clark will wind up giving Lois his blessing to publish his secret so it can't be used against him.

While Superman destroys HORDR_BOTS, Jimmy catches up with Condesa who only betrayed them to keep her own secret. And Lois bashes HORDR_ROOT over the back of the head with a probably not actually lead pipe. He's just a kid because, as we all know, kids are better at technology than old people! But the body Lois bashes is just a simulacrum and it disappears. Of course they'll figure out who HORDR_ROOT really is when they run into him in his own secret identity and he accidentally says, "Sort of."

Condesa helps Jimmy to evacuate the HORDR_PLEX because Superman is, once again, going straight to the Solar Flare power. He's really relying on that shit when he doesn't need to. It's like wasting all of your Tiltowait spells on Kobolds and Bubbly Slimes!

While Superman is in the middle of his Solar Flare power, some hulking creature sidles up to him and steals his power. Superman collapses but he got enough of his flare out to destabilize the campus in the clouds. Now it will plummet down on Metropolis, right? I suppose this is why Superman has lost so much of his power in the other titles because it was stolen by Hulky McHulkerhulk. The gang take the last bus out of HORDR_VILLE and ride off into next issue.

Superman #42 Rating: -5 Ranking. I'm only lowering the ranking because it's way too high in the rankings. The decrease has nothing to do with this issue which was actually a pretty good issue! But then most of the problem I currently have with the other Superman titles is that the stories they're telling should have been told after this story in Superman was finished. Sure, they'll all read fine later when they can be collected in trades and read in the proper order. But for current fans financing this rickety ass company, I don't appreciate this wacky, nonlinear nonsense! This story about how Superman came to be a useless asshole is pretty good though! For a comic book that features a tech-company in the clouds, I mean!