Secret Six #3

Maybe this is the issue we find out if The Ventriloquist can make Ferdie talk while performing anilingus! What is the secret?!

I'm going to be magnanimous and not mention how long it's taken for three issues of this comic book to appear on the stands. I'm not going to be magnanimous enough not to mention how magnanimous I'm being though! I'm only human!

When we last saw the Secret Six, they were standing around patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves on having escaped the death box from the bottom of the sea. What they weren't doing was going their separate ways and ruining Project: Mockingbird. No, they decided they should probably stick together to protect each other from Project: Mockingbird. I have a secret six suspicion that the whole point of Project: Mockingbird is to get these stupid assholes working together. And they fell for it! Which is why I referred to them as "stupid assholes". That's not the secret! That's obvious!

This issue begins with a Pocket Aphorism I guess you're supposed to cut out so you can take it with you and read it just before all of the critical decisions you make in your life.

Don't try to cut this one out!

I don't know what it means but it feels so much like an old school comic book with the newsprint pages that I can't help but love it. Also, don't you hate when people Limbo like they don't mean it? It's like, "Get out of the line, jerko! You're bringing the party to a grinding halt with your half-hearted Limbo skills! If you're going to bend over backwards, bend the fuck over backfuckingwards, fuckfucker!" How many times have you found yourself yelling that at a party, amirite?

Do young people today even know what the Limbo is? Why would they ever learn when their parties are full of girls rubbing their asses on guys' crotches?! Remember when we thought Twister was a sneaky sexy party game?! The kids today just have to dance and they're already dry humping on the first date! What is the secret?!

This issue is called "The Nine Levels of Suburbia" so I guess that's what the Limbo reference was for although I still don't get it. Is "Limbo like you mean it" akin to "Dance like nobody is watching"? I can't decide if it's better to masturbate like nobody is watching or to masturbate like everybody is watching. Maybe it depends on where you choose to masturbate?

Catman is currently cruising Suburbia topless when he comes across a big jerk beating his dog for not obeying him. You can tell the man is a big jerk because he is wearing funky sunglasses or maybe because he's got a crew cut or possibly because he's wearing a track suit or maybe because he's beating his dog. I forget which one of those made me realize he was a jerk. It could also have been his thick neck or his gaudy tennis shoes.

After humans are long gone, raccoons will become the next sentient species at the top of the food chain. Unless they also destroy themselves with diabetes.

If I had to guess, I'd say raccoons are already smarter than about thirty percent of the humans on this planet.

Catman threatens the guy who turns out to be a cop. Oh! That's what makes him a jerk!

The next removable aphorism is "The lust that lingers" which may not actually be an aphorism. I don't know what it is! But it has "lust" in it so it sets up the next level of Suburbia! Apparently the Secret Six are now living in a house in the suburbs to hide from Project: Mockingbird. None of them were made to live in the suburbs. They're not married. They have no children They're not excited about lawn care. They don't gossip about their neighbors unkempt yard. They probably won't participate in the Block Party which will cause the entire neighborhood to view them with suspicion. The suburbs are boring them to death. It's worse than the box (probably).

Okay, maybe they enjoy block parties and the whole hating spending time outside with the neighbors is just me.

What constitutes weird sex? I think weird sex is that sex where you get really close to your partner and maybe entangle your legs a bit so your genitals aren't quite touching and instead are just sort of staring at each other and then you both just kind of get off somehow by being close but not touching? Is that a thing? It's weird if it's a thing! What is the secret?!

Everybody currently on the couch admits to having engaged in the weird sex on the couch. Especially Ferdie. Ferdie especially admits to it. He also has drills in the palms of his hands so my guess is at least two of the Secret Six are now bleeding from their assholes.

Big Shot, P.I., lectures the group on maintaining a more child-friendly atmosphere in front of closed doors since they have a child in the house (Black Alice!) whom he wants to protect. So the group has the father figure taken care of. Now they just need a mother! That will probably be Strix.

The third act's aphorism is "Gluttony becomes you." So true!

The house belongs to Big Shot, P.I. He used to live there with the love of his life so I guess the neighbors are cool with his guests visiting him for awhile. He's normal enough to suddenly have five other people and a puppet with a dirty mouth move in with him to fill the empty space of his lost love.

Although he's really just doing it for Black Alice. And maybe a little bit because he secretly likes Ferdie's dumb dirty jokes. That's not the secret.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Greed is the word" because it's the word that you've heard. It's got groove. It's got meaning. In this chapter, The Ventriloquist offers to go shopping with Porcelain because she probably wants to kill Porcelain in a simulated shopping cart accident since Porcelain has been flirting with Catman. But since Shauna is into Catman, Ferdie will probably have to kill Catman. Eventually they're all just going to have to stop trying to possess each other and just all fuck whoever wants to fuck whenever they want to fuck with whomever. Or something.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Anger is the sea that never ebbs." That's because it doesn't have a moon. And is on a planet with no rotation. And doesn't exist? I don't have a science degree so I'm really out of my element here. The literature degree just means I've read lots and lots of things that will never enable me to connect with the world because I'm too busy connecting with dead people who also couldn't connect with the world. So, you know, it's not a useless degree at all!

See? Porcelain doesn't seem to be too hung up on possessing Catman. She's cool in the way all the Millennials grandparents were cool in the seventies.

Porcelain beats the shit out of two jerks on the way to the store. You can tell they're jerks because they're white and they're male and they have loads and loads of muscles. I know that also describes Catman but he's not a jerk for some reason. I think because he's into man-butt.

The next chapter's aphorism is "The trouble with heresy." I think part of that aphorism is missing because I don't know why heresy is troubling after reading that and now I might accidentally engage in some because I don't know why I shouldn't. This chapter has Ferdie sitting in front of the television and then proclaiming "Television is the devil" because Ferdie is a dumb lying puppet whom I won't like anymore if he keeps dissing my surrogate mom.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Violence wears a man like a weapon" which totally makes sense if you're nutso cuckoo. This chapter stars the Secret Six's mother, Strix! This issue has yet to establish Strix as the mother figure but I'm sure it will come with time. Right now, she's a bit lost.

Don't worry, Strix. Most of us don't know how to home. We're just all doing our best. My mother wasn't very good at it either until she was attached to a cable box.

Big Shot decides to have a bit of a house meeting over breakfast only to discover that everybody hates the suburbs which, you know, isn't that surprising. Don't we all hate the suburbs? Is that a thing people actually like? I guess the thirty percent of people dumber than raccoons probably like it.

Porcelain mentions seeing a guy beating a dog while he was out so now Catman needs to go kill a cop and ruin their hideout. Well, he doesn't go that far. But he does kick some ass and Daddy Big Shot has to pull his ass out of the fire.

Now the Secret Six has a dog and a cat and a child and a father and a zombie assassin and a foul mouthed puppet. Awww! They really are a family!

The last chapter's aphorism is "Treachery among friends" and it explains why Big Shot has a sensitive fucking nose and my mind is reeling and I think I might have passed out for just a second. You see, it might not explain what the secret secret is but holy fuck me in every holey, it sure drops a big one. And the surprise secret isn't that The Riddler is Mockingbird. It's that Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man! (Although "Dibny" was spelled "Dibney" in the issue which almost threw me off because I'm so picky about everything! (not really))

Oh! That was a spoiler! SPOILER WARNING! I think my entire blog has a spoiler warning so I'm not really too concerned. Plus I'm still reeling from the revelation because all that shit with pictures of Sue Dibny everywhere is hurting my heart now. And his whole concern over the couch being ruined by weird sex due to his sensitive nose? Totally should have realized it was Ralph at that point! So on character! Great fucking job, Gail Simone.

Oh, also, just to make it clear: Ralph "Big Shot" Dibny is working for Mockingbird and, as I pointed out earlier, the whole Project was to get these stupid assholes to work together.

Secret Six #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. So worth the wait. I was never a huge fan of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl. But her team comics are impeccable. She knows how to develop interesting scenes that bring out bits of every character so that you really begin to know them in short order. The Movement only lasted ten or twelve issues but it had more character development packed into it than most of the titles that have been focusing on a single character for nearly four years. And this issue was just brilliant! I love issues where we get to see the characters just spending some down time with each other and this was completely that. But not only was it that, it was also relevant to the overarching plot of the series. It was needed to bond these characters together. I'm a fan. And I'm so glad this is how The Elongated Man was reintroduced into The New 52 even if it means Sue is still dead.