Justice League #42

"Only one chance to save Lex! Must...fellate...out...the...bullets!"

In the first part of The Darkseid War, The Justice League were defeated by Grail because they pulled that classic boner where they didn't fight as a team but as individual heroes taking turns. That's always how the bad guy wins in the first round! Now Batman will have to round them all up and give them a speech about how they must work together. An alternative could have been that they all disagreed on how to defeat Grail and approached the battle with different tactics. Then they would have to agree to put aside their differences for round two. "Putting aside their differences" means "listening to Batman."

This issue starts off just like my caption on the cover promised!

Superman's blow job eye contact is intense.

Superman and Lex Luthor are currently on Apokolips because Lena Luthor shot them and sent them there via BOOM Tube. She works for Darkseid now. Soon everybody will work for Darkseid. Or the Anti-Monitor who is currently on Earth-Main-Earth having been summoned by Power Ring and Grail. I might not be very clear on the particulars of the plot but I think Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor want to destroy Earth-Main-Earth simply because it's there. Somehow it's an affront to their greatness.

Oh look! Steppenwolf is as confused as I am! Now we'll get an answer straight from the Geoff Johns' mouth via Darkseid's!

Except Darkseid doesn't answer. Desaad just says, "For him. For Darkseid." Which then leaves me with the only possible reason for this war no matter how cynical: spectacle. It's all just a great big spectacle to have the Justice League battle two of the biggest, baddest villains in the entire DC Youniverse. Although after the Justice League win the war, where do they go from there? Any battle after this one will seem like a delicious piece of cake by comparison. Unless the Justice League loses! That's a possibility because then it will seem normal if they go back to fighting villains sent up from the minors. Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor can defeat each other while the Justice League lie around the battlefield unconscious and nearly dead. Except for Wonder Woman who will be lying about unconscious and nearly dead and in a super sexy position. Mark my words!

Back on Earth, Wonder Woman meets the Anti-Monitor. But she doesn't get much more than an "I am desperate" out of him before Metron arrives to BOOM Tube the Justice League to safety. Well, good thing they're safe! Just leave the Earth to the Anti-Monitor and Grail though. I'm sure it's in good hands.

Grail and Mobius the Anti-Monitor have their own discussion about the reasons for this war!

That didn't clear up anything either.

I must have just forgotten the reason for the war which was probably in the Free Comic Book Day comic, Divergence #1. So I should probably reread that so I can be reminded that Myrina Black is the Amazon mother of Grail who wanted a war to destroy the father of her child. I guess to protect her child? And why does she want to protect such an evil monster? Just because it's her child? I've heard that the bond between parent and child is usually pretty strong and nonsensical. Maybe I'm not supposed to care why everybody is fighting this war. I think I'm just supposed to be excited about it. For some reason.

Mister Miracle pays a visit to Myrina Black to get the final answer on why this war is happening. It's like this! Myrina Black knew that someday Darkseid would enslave Earth. How she knew who Darkseid was, I don't know! But her plan was to seduce Darkseid, have his child, convince his child to find somebody in the universe who could kill Darkseid, bring that somebody to Earth, lure Darkseid to Earth, and destroy most of the Earth in the ensuing battle that will kill Darkseid so that he can't enslave the Earth. Seems like a great plan!

Metron rescued the Justice League to tell them that they can't save the Earth and that they should flee from it if they want to live. I suppose Metron just likes watching the Justice League in action because why else would he bother to save them? Nobody in the Justice League believes that they can't stop the destruction of the Earth, so Wonder Woman pulls Metron out of his chair so that Batman can sit in it. Once Batman realizes that the chair knows everything, he asks it a question to calibrate it and then asks it the most important question he can think of!

Jesus Christ, you clown obsessed freak! Ask about the cure for cancer! How about a way to stop aging?! Ask it for a foolproof way to keep everybody safe from random violence! At the very least, ask it how to win Selina Kyle's heart without, you know, being sweet and kind and loving to her. Ugh! Too difficult!

After he learns The Joker's secret identity (which we'll probably never see him deal with after this war is over!), Batman declares that he's a god. Well, at least the chair gave him the confidence to vocalize what he already believed.

Justice League #42 Rating: No change. I'd probably enjoy this comic book more if I just sat back and shut up. Who cares why this is all happening? I should just be thankful that Earth is in so much trouble so that I can see the Justice League rise to the challenge! Maybe I'll get really drunk before reading the next issue. That usually helps me to enjoy broad entertainment.