Justice League 3001 #1

This isn't the right comic book to be mentioning this but this is the only case in which I'd buy that every single person in the world has suddenly turned on Superman. If they had big fat starfish on their faces.

I just watched the trailer for Batdude Vs. Superbro: Johns of Just Ass and I have to ask: is Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luthor supposed to be a parody of Donald Trump? Is that why the bad wig and the trying to be funny but failing miserably? Also, I apologize for using the word "dude".

It's one year later on Camelot Nine! Unless it's just one day after the last page of the last issue of Justice League 3000 and that one day was New Years Eve. Anyhow, it's time for more of the same joke by Giffen and DeMatteis! Get ready for it because you'll probably hear it four or five times!

Back in the year 3000, I asked the probing question, "Where is L-Ron and Oberon?" Well, guess which one's back?

And guess who's sorry he asked the question?!

The woman screaming at L-Ronald the way that Maxwell Lord would normally be screaming at L-Ronald if this were one thousand years in the past and on a different planet is Fake Ariel, otherwise known as Lois Lane, Queen of the Universe. She's the leader of the Injustice League 3001. They ominously did something ominous on the final page of Justice League 3000 but I don't really remember what it was. I think they just infiltrated the Justice League's castle headquarters. Now, one year later, they've super infiltrated to the point that Ariel Masters must be bound and gagged in the basement and hopefully in her underwear. You know, for fan service (hetero-male and lesbian fans only).

Lois Lane's mind has been injected into Ariel Master's brain and now Lois--as Ariel!--keeps sending the Justice League out on suicide missions. But she's worse than New 52 Amanda Waller at getting her people killed because the Justice League is now more famous than ever across the universe having dealt with every deadly scenario Lois has sent them into.

For those of you who didn't read the Justice League 3001 Sneak Peek, Guy Gardner has been added to the team. And he's now in the body of a woman because DC Comics couldn't wait to be called transphobic! I'm not accusing them of being transphobic. I'm accusing Giffen and DeMatteis of coming up with a concept that makes using the same joke over and over super easy! Guy Gardner, macho bad-ass, now a woman?! Oh boy! He's going to say lots of horribly sexist things! But he's a woman now so it's...um...well, I can't think of the right word to describe what that makes it. Maybe funny in the way somebody might say funny while shrugging their shoulders with the palms of their hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic? But I do say DC must want to be called transphobic because this Venn diagram exists of people who hate DC Comics and people who want to call out as many people as they can because, I don't know, justice? And I say justice while shrugging my shoulders with the palms of my hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic.

Currently, Justice League 3001 are investigating the massacre of the Legion of Super-heroes on Starro World. Not investigating in the way Columbo investigates by bothering the suspect until the suspect asks to be arrested so Peter Falk stops looking at him with his weird eye but in the way that the police say "You did this!" and the accused says "Diplomatic immunity!"

I've loved Guy Gardner for years but I think this is the first time I've ever had a crush on Guy Gardner.

While the Starros stand around drooling because they can't wait to fry up Mon-el and Sunboy, Batman and Superman argue about whether or not Guy is male or female. Batman takes the correct side and Superman, who has been shown to be an idiot for about fifteen issues now, takes the side that instantly makes everybody at DC Comics transphobic. What a jerk!

Guy Gardner heads to Moonshadow Six because J.M. DeMatteis wants to remind everybody that he once wrote something moving and interesting. It's a bureaucratic planet so, you know, like the Vogons. Guy doesn't do bureaucracy though and he begins punching people in all of their alien faces. That's probably not a great move since the only thing worse than dealing with a bureaucrat is dealing with a bureaucrat's system without any help from the bureaucrat.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, the Super Buddies 3001 are now open for business with Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Ice. That should be a poem about how the world ends! Does it end in fire, or ice, or booster, or beetle? Takron-Galtos seems like a strange place to set up a super hero franchise since it's a prison planet. Are they crime-fighters or prison wardens? While the members of Justice League 3001 are the DNA of long dead heroes copied over the DNA of host bodies, the members of the Super Buddies are all originals. Booster and Beetle were in suspended animation for one thousand years, Fire was banging Etrigan in Hell on Camelot Nine, and Ice is an immortal goddess.

Who do I root for? The despot who enslaved a world legally or the hero manufacturing fake evidence against the evil, vile overlord of an enslaved people?!

As Batman and The Flash wait around for Guy to return with the documents, they engage in another pronoun debate. Batman still has it right while Teri seems to just be confused. She insisted earlier that Guy was a man when Superman was checking out his adorable ass but she did call Guy a "she" when saying "She's a man!" If only Guy Gardner would put up his preferred pronouns on his Tumblr page, we could just move past the discussion! Who are they to decide how Guy thinks of himself anyway? If I were in Guy's position, I'd obviously still be a man but I'd certainly enjoy my body a whole lot more.

Guy returns and announces to Batman and The Flash that they can legally (sort of) beat the shit out of Starro. He also, inadvertently because they're on camera, announces it to the entire planet.

Yay! Ambush Bug! I hope he becomes a Super Buddy and not just a character Howard Porter gets to toss in in all of the crowd scenes.

Meanwhile a small ship comes crashing down on Wodin Twelve (which is the planet of Starros). Inside that ship is Supergirl! She's probably been in stasis for one thousand years which means she's the real deal which means she should join the Super Buddies and not the Justice League Clones. Did that sound bigoty?

Justice League 3001 #1 Rating: Giffen and DeMatteis can be a bit much when they're not putting much effort into their whimsy. But I like the future world they've created in Justice League 3000 and are continuing to tweak and evolve in this title. They've got their own little DC Universe to play with and reshape to their own liking. And because of the spotty memories of the cloned Justice League members, they get to pick and choose what bits of the overall DC Comics history they want to keep in continuity. As long as they can balance their hijinks with an interesting plot, this can work. As soon as the comic book begins to overpower the plot with its wackiness, it'll become Larfleeze and/or a drinking game. I hope they have some strong ideas because this comic book has the potential to be really entertaining. Also, I'm a big fan of Howard Porter's art.