Grayson #9

When does the Grayson video game come out?

I just purchased Lego Batman Beyond Gotham for $13.75 with all the downloadable content (except Batman Beyond) so what am I doing reading comic books when I could be playing them?

Grayson is an anagram for "R Gay Son." Dick Grayson is an anagram for Gay Ron's Dick. How's that for some deep philosophical thinking about this comic book?

This issue begins super sad and maybe even sadder than that. Maybe even super duper sad.

Dude, screw Batman if he won't answer you! Screw him in his rich butthole! His gaping rich dead butthoooooo...oh yeah!

So now Dick is off on a secret mission and the only person that knows he's alive is dead. That's not so important because Dick can head over to Gotham anytime he wants to tell Bruce to his face that he's being way too manipulative and controlling this time. Then he'll find out Bruce is dead. Although Dick was there during Endgame when Batman died, so he should know Batman never came out of the Fountain of Youth Mine. Maybe after Dick distracted The Joker, he had to rush back to Spyral and didn't have time to find out how things turned out. Except that doesn't sound anything like Dick Grayson, does it?

How about this! Maybe this is just the type of continuity bullshit I should stop worrying about since I claim to not really care about it and now DC doesn't seem to care about it either! I mean, I suppose Dick is just hoping that Batman will eventually answer because he can't be dead, right?! That's probably why he's being all sad and calling. He doesn't feel like going back to Gotham is going home unless Bruce is there to greet him.

After the sad part, this issue rebegins where Issue #1 began but this time from the bad guy's point of view. After the whole thing where Dick knocks the guy out with some kind of trick shot that could only have been pulled off by nobody, he leaves the unconscious guy on the top of the train and rushes off to find the stomach he's been searching for. But then somebody dressed exactly like Nightwing and possibly looking exactly like Nightwing and probably not actually Nightwing comes up and smashes in the bad guy's skull. That mystery person is probably the nemesis of the title of the story! Which is "Nemesis" if you weren't smart enough to figure that out! I mean, the title could have been "A Nemesis By Any Other Dick" or something, so I can't totally fault you for not knowing that the title was "Nemesis." But you probably knew the word was at least somewhere in the title.

Maybe I should just learn to write more betterly.

Okay. So the dead guy was named Nemesis. But that's just a coincidence because the story is about the Nemesis trying to destroy all of the spy organizations like Spyral and Checkmate and Blackhawks and Black Razors and Task Force X and SHADE and The Crimson Men and ARGUS and whatever organization Faraday runs that I've forgotten and is that Grifter hanging out with these people too?!

Now Helena Bertinelli needs to decide if Dick Grayson is a murderer or a future fuck buddy. But she'll have to wait until Dick and Agent One are done with whatever mission has them infiltrating the Prado Museum in some place called Madrid, Spain. I think the mission is to deliver a fan service splash page where Dick asks, "Am I straight?" I'm sure about 5% of the internet's memory is now taken up by scans of that page alone.

With that mission a success, the story returns to Helena looking at all the photographs of the dead agents and remembering the mission she and Dick were on when those agents were murdered. Is she really thinking a kid raised by The Batman could really turn out to be some psychokiller monst...hrm. Never mind. If only Helena knew Dick as well as the readers know Dick! Or if she only had a super power that enabled her to hear people reading the comic book saying, "You stupid fucking impostor Helena Bertinelli slut! Dick would never murder! Tramp! Whore! Don't you dare fuck Dick!"

Dick's actual mission is to retrieve a Kryptonian Vibrating Sunstone from a rich Duchess's neck attending some event at the museum. She's super hot which means she'll want to bang Dick. Then when she's coming like no woman has ever come before, Dick will yell, "Yoink!", snag the necklace, and run from the room naked. Then Dick's nemesis will probably bash her in the head with a stick and take a Polaroid of her corpse.

Oh! I'm half-Spanish! I'll half-translate this for you!

Man With Used Kleenex in Breast Pocket: "Would you consider dancing on ants with somebody as desperately lonely as I am?"
Surprised Man with Cowlick: "My God what a hot fifty year old!"
Blonde Frenchman Speaking Spanish: "HOLY! What a work of art your funbags are!"
Dark Haired Guy with No Game: "Your emerald eyes could buy all the cheesedip I'd ever want!"

Agent One wants to blow something up as a distraction but Dick just wants to blow his load. Dick asks the woman to dance with him and suddenly the Duchess wishes she were wearing panty shields. Or any kind of underwear at all, actually.

Clean up on Aisle Dance Floor!

Dick steals the necklace while dancing, kisses the woman goodbye, and then beats feet. Batman could learn a thing or too from Dick Grayson! Batman would have gone in, lectured the woman on...well, on anything he could come up with, actually. Then Batman would have had to have gassed the whole room to steal one little necklace because Batman has zero game with the ladies.

Helena knows Dick too well (hee hee) to think he's behind the killings. Her next guess is that Agent One is the spy whose been compromised. So she radios Dick to let him know he should ditch Agent One and meet her alone for the hand-off. Dick, being Dick, has another plan! Knock out Agent One and pretend to ditch him while offering up some nonsense Batman once told him. There's a lot to choose from in that category. Then when the real killer thinks they have an opportunity to smash out the brains of Agent One, Dick will save his life and be the heroest of all heteros! I mean heroes!

But before then, there's some more Spanish that I can half-translate!

First Voice: "The larder! Ha! It's over here!"
Second Voice: "Hurry! Before the hairy ones escape!"
First Voice: "Let's go! Idiots!"
Second Voice: "My grandmother fellates quicker than that!"
First Voice: "If they escape, I'll cut off your balls and feed them to my dog!"
Second Voice: "Have you ever really stopped to listen to yourself? Calm the fuck down, man!"
First Voice: "Here! Here! I found a piece of shit!"
Second Voice: "I think...I think. I got it! I got it! Let's go! Let's go!"
First Voice: "Stop! If you move, I'll move! And where is the other caryatid?!"

Agent One wakes up with a bunch of Museum Security guards surrounding him. On the floor next to him, a guy with escrima sticks lies unconscious after having been knocked out by one of Dick's sticks thrown from the escape passage. So there should be three escrima sticks lying about the scene! That might be some kind of clue! To somebody who cares!

Grayson #9 Rating: Good book. Such a good book. Best book? Maybe! Good review? Great review! Intelligent commentary? Mas intelligent commentary, amigo!