Doomed #2

Is this a memoir of Scott Lobdell's teen years?

Last issue we learned that Reiser, the protagonist, transforms into an unintelligible monster whenever he becomes sexually aroused. So he's really just like any other male in his late teens or early twenties or late twenties or early thirties or late thirties or early forties or late forties or early fifties or late fifties or early sixties or late sixties or early seventies. I guess I'll stop there because I have to stop somewhere. Reiser must be a late bloomer since he's only now going through this awkward transformation due to his newly found sexuality. He's probably really confused right now and hoping that he'll eventually find a cure. Poor guy doesn't realize there is no cure for Bonernesia. Once that dick gets hard, all higher functions cease because brain power diverts to trying to find somebody willing to touch it. Maybe that's why Reiser's aunt has Alzheimer's? It's a reflection of his current condition.

The issue begins with some nerdy kid who is actually an alien bounty hunter killing his coach in gym because his coach is a chameleon-like Platharian wanted in three panverses and worth one million barrings. I state this as a matter of fact because I'd like to discuss how this narrative begins. The bounty hunter begins by discussing "humanity" and how cruel Earth kids can be. It's a very distinct train of thought from "humanity" supposedly meaning how people care for one another but in reality we see the opposite, especially when it comes to children. This is backed up by how cruelly the bounty hunter who looks like a small child is treated in gym class. But then the narration takes a turn from "humans are cruel" to "Platharians, though? Whole other species." At this point, I'm expecting the turn in narration to have some connection to the previous bit about kids and cruelty. But instead the alien bounty hunter just goes on to explain how Platharians hide among other races like chameleons. Then the bounty hunter kills the coach and walks off content in the knowledge that the kids that had just been mean to him will grow up to be "miserable puffed-up losers" (as if that's going to happen. I bet most of them have sex at an early age and become super successful and continue to have lots of sex. Lots of sex is important to not being a loser! I think).

Most people probably won't care how the narrative style makes little sense because it manages to seem to make sense. But what it really is is evidence of a writer who doesn't have any idea where his story is going when he begins it. Now that's not a huge flaw; many writers don't have it all planned out. But what is horrible is that he obviously didn't bother to rewrite his script once he finished because this bit should have been (and could easily have been) a nicely encapsulated introduction with a beginning, middle, and end that all worked together thematically. He does end it with the little alien bounty hunter guy being mean to the kids who began being mean to him. But he never ties in the chameleon to the theme. He should mention in what way the Platharians are mean (or not mean) and why he needs to kill this one aside from it being wanted in three "panverses."

Fuck. I'm not even going to get into the use of the term "panverses."

After the introduction to the new subplot (subplots are easy to introduce and can fill lots of pages), Doomed climbs out of a manhole to reremember everything he just remembered last issue.

The entire first issue was a flashback as Doomed remembered all of this. So now he has to remember it again one minute later? I'm sure it won't make the Trade feel redundant.

A bus hits Doomed in the back of the head and it flips over and skids down the street. Doomed rescues the bus driver but, since he looks like a monster, she thinks he's attacking her. And the cops arrive and of course they're going to attack him! They even attack Superman now! But Doomed does some kind of blinding blast and escapes before they can shoot him. Clarice watches the entire thing from a fire escape down the street.

In the morning, Reiser returns to the apartment sore and beaten up but back in human form. His gay super hero roommate Roman the Alpha Centurion helps Reiser crash on their couch. Roman then thinks about whether or not he should report this to the people running the Alpha Centurion program.

In the meantime, Miles the childlike alien bounty hunter sniffs out Doomed's trail. Oh boy, I can't wait until that crazy battle! What a bunch of cutups!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change. Not much happened in this issue. Doomed was still waiting for his boner from last issue to go down. Then he had to recover with a nice long nap after blowing his load to get away from the cops. But seriously. This is the second issue and nearly nothing new happens to the protagonist. We get seven pages dedicated to Doomed's first antagonist and two pages dedicated to repeating the first issue. Then there are four pages of the bus accident where we discover that--big fucking surprise--Reiser doesn't want to be responsible for killing anybody. Whew! Good to get that out of the way so we know he's not a monster even though he looks exactly like a monster! We get two pages spent on Reiser and Roman which should have been the meat of this issue. Give the readers a feel for their relationship as opposed to Reiser constantly reminding us that Roman is his best friend. Let them fucking interact instead of Reiser collapsing in his arms. Cut down the fucking Miles and bus scenes and build up your fucking main character! Maybe Reiser is just the least interesting character in the comic book? I bet Miles is the main character! I wonder what it means that he looks like a child? Is this sexy romp through adolescence going to take a weird, pervy turn?