Doomed #1

Has a comic book ever been so aptly named?!

"Is he hero or villain?" That could have been the tagline for Lobdell's entire run on Superman! Lobdell learned early on while writing the X-men that you can take the theme of heroes being feared by the public and run it into the ground without ever losing your job for never coming up with a new idea. Now he's going to do his take on Peter Parker, I bet! This kid Reiser has a girlfriend and an Aunt and a best friend who is actually a super hero and his enemy! Okay, so Parker's best friend was a villain and not a hero but it's all kind of the same thing. Plus, like Spider-man, Doomed is misunderstood by the public! I bet Perry White totally hates him as well. He'll probably keep yelling at Jimmy Olsen to get a fucking photo of that fucking fuckity fuck Doomed-man fuck! Unless Reiser is also a photographer for the Daily Planet because why not make the comparison so on the nose it can't help but be thought of as satire?

Are all y'all super excited to read about a troubled kid's troubled life but who has lots and lots of fun being a heroic monster?! I'm not.

The issue begins, as all Scott Lobdell issues do, with a full page panel of nothing exciting happening and lots of Narration Boxes. This time he makes certain that his Narration Boxes make no sense unless you squint really hard and punch yourself in the groin a few times and slam three fingers in a door.

Instead of doing Omniscient Narration, Lobdell likes to do First Person Second Guess Yourself Narration.

If I allow myself to interpret what's being said instead of just boggling at the nonsense of what's literally being said, I believe the reader is supposed to understand that Doomed passed out in a penthouse high above the city and has awakened underground because he was tossed out of it and crashed through the streets below. If you read the Narration Boxes as they're written, Doomed is guessing he's under the city because he passed out under the city and then he has a non sequitur about a penthouse and then he continues with his affirmations attesting to his underground location. The astute reader might also notice that Doomed does not have genitals.

So Doomed doesn't know he's Doomed at this moment and he's just beginning to realize that he fell through the street. So the first page doesn't make sense at all because there's an error in the script somewhere. The editors probably didn't question it because the editors never question Lobdell's mistakes. My theory is that they can't stand reading his scripts and just let him do whatever he wants rather than subject themselves to his bullshit stories. My other theory is that they point out when he's written something incomprehensible and he points out that it's a joke that they don't understand and if he changes it, the joke will be ruined. Then the editors get tired of trying to convince Lobdell that he has never written a single joke in his career and they head over to the DC Comics Bar located directly across the hall from Lobdell's office because it makes the most money there.

Reiser (Doomed's real name if you haven't figured it out by the way I used it earlier) wipes away the dust from a smashed subway mirror to "survey the damage" when he gets a look at himself as Doomed. Then he screams, "Hrunng coooorrwwol?!" That translates to "What the hell?" and not "Hung coral" like you might have suspected. It's probably at this point where the story will flashback to Reiser doing some of his interning at STAR Labs before whatever accident turned him into Doomed.

See? Comic books are easy to write. Especially when you don't give a shit about quality.

Now remember! Reiser doesn't remember how he turned into this monster or how he wound up underground or what happened in the penthouse last night. But he's going to tell us the story anyway!

Reiser was accepted as an intern at STAR Labs where he'll probably be bitten by a radioactive Doomsday. But before that happens, the reader must be told that Reiser is a super duper genius because every character Scott Lobdell writes must be the absolute alpha best at whatever the person does. Sure, that's kind of a staple with lots of super heroes. But it helps the reader to believe somebody like Roy Harper is a genius by showing him do smart things. The problem with Lobdell is that he makes sure the reader knows Roy is a genius simply to explain how Roy magically transforms a blender into a tranquilizer rifle with kryponite bullets that he's now using to render Superman unconscious.

As an intern, Reiser is shown every secret project at STAR Labs including the super fast running guy project and the universe within a room project and the insane tyrannosaurus project. But apparently their are rooms with things more secretive than even the Dinosaur Asylum.

Whew! I was worried Lobdell wouldn't set up the "adults versus youth" theme!

Reiser and Jayne wind up getting intern positions sterilizing the quarantine unit because that's the best way to get Reiser infected with the Doomsday virus. It's also the best way for STAR Labs to conduct business when Rule #1 of orientation was "Don't get killed." It also allows for Jayne to get off on the wrong foot with her soon-to-be fuckbuddy Reiser by snapping at him and calling him an idiot. I bet she's also thinking (although the reader doesn't get to see her Narration Boxes for some reason), "He's really sexy...for a moron!" Or "I can't wait to satisfy him sexually while he completely ignores my needs even though he's an idiot and a jerk and I hate him completely!" Or "*sigh* He's so dreamy...for a tool!"

Before the before the night shift scene, Reiser has to go home to meet with his roommate Roman. They also have to bump into their neighbor Clark Kent. And in case you're one of the dumb idiot morons who like Scott Lobdell's comic books, there's a shot of Clark's mailbox with C. Kent on it so you'd realize it was Superman. Damn it. Now I've fallen so far into the Hating Scott Lobdell Rabbit Hole that I'm attacking readers who actually like him! Sorry about that. It's not fair to attack people just because they fail at being discerning.

Roman says (about Clark), "Glad he's not one of them." Reiser asks, "Them?" And Roman acts as if that's the stupidest question in the world. I guess I'm stupid because what the fuck is Roman talking about?! Is he talking about applicants to be their new roommate because if Clark were an applicant Roman would have to accept him because Roman wants to introduce Clark to a Roman Face Mask? Or does he call it the Alpha Centurion Face Mask? It's his power move!

Roman didn't choose Clarice because of either her deformed legs or her vagina.

Before the night shift, Reiser visits his Aunt Belle because she's probably suffering from Alzheimer's which makes for some decent comedy. Also it shows that Reiser cares for other people. Plus he throws a tennis ball at the window and Aunt Belle's little dog Oui Oui crashes through it. Ha ha!

While cleaning the quarantine room at STAR Labs (and not cleaning the "clean room" like Reiser calls it), he takes off the helmet to his Hazmat suit and gets some gunk from the walls on him. But he figures it's probably no problem because why would there be anything dangerous in a room where they put people who might have contracted something dangerous? Duh!

After work, Reiser runs into Clarice who takes him up to the penthouse apartment in the future Lex Plaza. Because that's the apartment they have completed to show prospective residents. Also there is no security because why would Lex worry about keeping any of his projects secure?!

Clarice begins to take a shower and then calls Reiser to come join her. That's when he turns into Doomed for the first time because I guess boners make him change.

Whoops!

Doomed #1 Rating: I didn't realize this was going to be an allegory for sexual awakening and sexually transmitted diseases. But I guess that makes sense. Reiser contracts the disease because he didn't use protection. Then the disease manifests when he's about to have a sexual experience and it kills the mood (and maybe several innocent bystanders!). Now whenever Reiser becomes aroused, he turns into an incomprehensible monster! Sound familiar, ladies? Maybe that's why as Doomed, Reiser has no genitals. Because he's actually a huge walking, grunting, super-powered penis! Even the title is perfect! Once a guy's boner begins taking control, his life as he knew it is done. This comic book is actually going to be unintentionally good! Because I'm not giving Scott Lobdell credit for actually conceiving of this story as a book about a guy coming into his sexuality.