Bat-mite #2

If Bat-mite can fly, why does he insist on floating at cock level?

What is the selling point of this comic book (besides the homoerotic possibility that this story might be entitled "Bat-Mite Might Suck Hawk Cock"?)? Nobody wants to read a comic book with Hawkman in it! And anybody who has played Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham doesn't want to read a comic book about this jerk who is constantly putting Help Tokens in the middle of everything which I accidentally hit over and over and over again and then have to scroll through his useless "help" suggestions. It's like following Neil Gaiman on Tumblr and having to wade through post after post of people asking him how to write! I just want to get to the good stuff like punching bad guys into Lego coins or pictures of Neil in sunglasses and a black leather coat and black pants with that look on his face that says, "Stop asking me how to write, you people who suck at writing!" I'm not one of those people because I never ask him how to write. Um, also I'm terrific at writing!

One of the things Neil Gaiman always tells fresh new writers is to "finish something." My advice is to not finish anything. My advice is to abandon all attempts at writing anything forever and just go scroll through Craigslist job ads because money is better than constantly annoying your friends with half-finished manuscripts that don't have nearly enough sex scenes in them. You might also scroll through the Craigslist ads for sexual encounters because then you might gain enough life experience to make your scripts more interesting for your friends. Although they'll still probably meet up at the coffee house without you and read your stories out loud to each other as they mercilessly rip your writing to pieces and then still pretend to be your friends to your face.

I don't let my friends and family read anything I write anymore because my writing is often filled with sentences like "I hate my friends so much that they've gone right past being enemies and into being friends again!" and "I should probably call my mother for Mother's Day but PEE-YUKE!" and "My father was a disappointing father and lousy friend and my life probably would have turned out better if he'd drunk himself into an early grave!" Hmm. Now that I think about it, I don't let my friends and family read anything I write anymore because they all stopped talking to me.

So this comic book begins by almost venturing out of the E is for Everyone Rating Territory!

Judging by Victor's choice of assistants and the gender of his reanimated sex doll, I think I know why he was a clumsy lover!

Bat-mite rescues Hawkman from becoming the next body for Doctor Trauma's brain although how much could it have hurt to put a new personality inside of Hawkman's body? The old one hasn't really been working out too well over the last few years. Bat-mite feels the same way but he thinks the brain exchange is a bit much. He's going to make over Hawkman for the 21st Century! Although I don't know how he's going to do that when a robot stuck in the 1980s is writing this comic book. The makeover will probably come down to magic, nanobots, an oversized pink blazer with no shirt, or a boxing match against Ivan Drago.

Bat-mite comes up with an idea for a new Hawkman that might not work but at least it proves that Dan Jurgens is finally entering the nineties!

Weapon as arm? Check. Long hair? Check. Bad-ass tattoos? Check. Pouches? Opposite of check. He's his own Father From the Future come back to kill himself to save the past and/or future? Probably check.

Bat-mite gets gassed again and tossed into the ocean. Dr. Trauma is upset that Bat-mite's skills rival her own although I have to assume that Dr. Trauma's assistants' skills rival her own as well or else how are they going to transfer Hawkman's brain into her body for her? I think she's going to have to kill her henchmen after the surgery is complete.

Uh-oh. I think Dan is venting! "It's tough being 'male', 'old', 'stale', and, um, 'old'!"

As Nurse Agnes pulls the switch to transfer Dr. Trauma's mind into Hawkman's body, I begin to feel a sense of dread. How is Dan Jurgens going to write the rest of this comic book sensitively enough to not be called transphobic?! He's a male robototron from the 1980s! The only thing he knows about transgender issues he probably learned from an episode of Donahue and that conversation was probably dominated by transvestites and drag queens!

Bat-mite doesn't die underwater at all because he can teleport. He heads back to save Hawkman but it's too late! The brains have been transferred! It's time for an epic battle of fisticuffs but with weapons and magic.

The Golden Girls is a thirty year old reference but to a robototron from the 1980s, it seems like a timely pop culture reference.

Bat-mite gasses Hawkman and has Nurse Agnes reverse the brain switch without pulling an Airboy #2 gaff of any kind. I'm impressed! Maybe the Robototron Dan Jurgens isn't as backwards as I thought!

After the rescue, Bat-mite befriends some youths named Reagan and Weed. I bet those are just nicknames! Weed because he smokes pot and Reagan because she's into trickle-down theory, if you get my meaning! Wink wink!

I hope putting "wink, wink" after something I don't understand makes it sound sexual!

Reagan works for some place called "The Agency" or something. It's all very secretive! Unless it only seems secretive because Bat-mite just met Reagan and Weed. They might actually be really open about it and they'll tell Bat-mite all about it over breakfast in the morning. What is a secret is that they're being watched by some guy named Gridlock!

For some mysterious reason that I can't put my finger on, Gridlock is against any social changes that happened after 1989!

Bat-mite #2 Rating: No change. I know this comic book is rated E for Everyone but I don't think that's true at all! It's actually for mature readers. And I don't mean mature as in a person who remembers not to laugh at dick jokes and farts. I mean mature as in people older than forty. Although I am thoroughly entertained by Dan Jurgens using this comic book as a means to vent his feelings that he's being put out to pasture while all these young hipster kids swoop in to take his job because they can actually relate to the younger market. You go get 'em, Dan! Robototron Attack!