Star Spangled War Stories #8

Mick and Jessica are doomed!

I have no clue what the names of the characters are in this comic book and I don't really give a shit. I'm kind of hoping they all die and the world ends and somehow the words on the last page of the issue are a magical incantation that will erase the memory of the entire series from my mind. Stop publishing bullshit comic books just to maintain the trademark for stupid comic book titles that don't need to fucking exist. Just because DC Comics once published a comic book called Star Spangled War Stories, or GI Combat, or Men at War, it doesn't mean DC needs to ever publish any comic book by those names ever again. Some people might say I'm wrong and they want to read war stories but those people are jerks that should be euthanized. And then their bodies should be fed to goats.

I'm serious here, DC Comics! No more fucking war comic books! Especially ones that don't have anything to do with war! GI Zombie is bullshit!

Last issue, Sally had tried to make a break for it from the Evil Hillbilly Terrorists. She hopped into a pink VW Bus driven by a California Coast Zombie and called for help. Too bad for her and the hippie (and, mostly, the beautiful pink VW Bus), they were stopped by bad people with big guns.

Well, they're dead. I'm guessing the front of a VW Bus doesn't exactly have a whole lot of stopping power when it comes to bullets fired out of assault rifles.

As the hippie squeals down the road in reverse using all four cylinders (possibly three if the thing has recently blown a fucking plug), the hippie makes a wrong turn and backs his poor bus off of a cliff. Jessica manages to pull him from the bus before it plummets to its pink doom and hide him in the bushes as the Evil Gun Wielding Maniacs start searching for bodies.

Meanwhile on the way to save Barbara's life, I remember one of the character's names because his name is awesome: Gravedigger! And that's not even his awesome name! His real name is Ulysses Hazard! Who needs a fucking nickname like Gravedigger when your real name is Ulysses Hazard?! Although this New 52 version of Gravedigger actually has a stupid real name so I'm getting excited for nothing. I don't know why they decided to make his name boring. DC Comics sure knows how to make the wrong decision every time.

Oh my god! This issue is called The Final Countdown! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! EXPLOSION! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! Ooooo wheee ooooooh ooooooh wheeeee ooooooooooooooh! We're leaving together! But still it's farewell! And maybe we'll come back! To Earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! Will things ever be the same again?!?! It's the final countdown!

Now I'm rocking my cock off!

The plane Gravedigger and the zombie are using to fly to San Francisco belongs to the DC Universe's version of Grumpy Cat who is quite the war supporter, I guess.

Meanwhile, Mary becomes the Northern California version of Rambo. GI Zombies? She don't need no stinking zombies! Yes! Look at me saying lines like Roy Harper! Woo hoo! Does anybody want to RP me on Tumblr?!

Cynthia meets up with Gravedigger and GI Zombie on the beach where she tells them that they need to stop the bad guys or the bad guys will win. Good intel, Deb!

Carmen (somebody finally said her name so I can stop making up new names for her! Oh, and GI Zombie's name was Jared but it's easy enough to just call him GI Zombie because nobody will know who the fuck Jared is if I use his real name) and Jared storm the terrorist base, killing people willy-nilly. That's a silly way to murder terrorists! It makes it sound fun!

GI Zombie makes it to the control room where the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants is skulking. It turns out to be somebody GI Zombie once worked with! What a surprise twist that doesn't fucking matter at all! Mr. Head Terrorist tells GI Zombie that they're too late to start the Zombie Revolution. The bombs are about to go off, the West Coast is going to sink into the sea, and every American is going to become a mindless zombie. A literal one instead of a figurative one!

Gravedigger's team set off an electromagnetic pulse which disables the entire base and saves the world. Or something. But GI Zombie knows the guy in charge at the Ecuador Base as well so if anybody is so bored with their life that they think this comic book should start up again sometime in the future, the story where GI Zombie raids that base can be told.

Ha ha! They're so cute together! Maybe this comic book was really good!

I didn't really mean that last caption. This comic book was boring.

Star Spangled War Stories #8 Rating: No change. This comic book has never been what I'd call bad! It just never really interested me. Sometimes it would almost feel like it was about to tantalize me and then it wouldn't at all. And now that it's completely over, it won't let me feel happy about it because it ended with "The End, for now...". Stupid fuckers. Jerks.