Secret Origins #11

John Constantine
The secret origin of John Constantine is that his father stuck his penis in John's mother's vagina and ejaculated at least one spermatozoa which managed to swim up John's mother's lady parts (like a uvula tube or something. It's all very complicated down there) and penetrate the cell wall of one of her eggs recently ejected from one of her ovaries. It's all very much like every single one of our origins. Except our parents weren't fucking in the middle of a pentagram with dead children stacked up all around them and old men and women in black robes chanting glowing words from sulfurous books bound in human skin. Okay, maybe not your parents. But I'm pretty sure mine did since I did go to Haman the Satanic Elementary School in Santa Clara, California.

To discover the actual secret origin of John Constantine, some more of those jerks in black robes have summoned a demon to tell them the tale. But Constantine doesn't want people knowing his origin so he put up a masking spell in case of a situation like this. That means the demon is going to tell hem three stories, only one of which is true.

Come on! Even The Phantom Stranger's origin wasn't this wishy washy! At least not for the reboot.

One of his origins has him burning toys out in the yard. My first year in college at Portland State University, I could easily have burned down the entire dormitory. I had some of that shitty Brute cologne that relatives that don't know you very well purchase when you begin to get to that age where they know you're starting to stink. The only thing it was ever good for was filling a peanut butter cap full of it, setting a Dungeons and Dragons miniature into the middle of the liquid, and setting the whole thing ablaze to watch the figure melt in horror. Other fun things I did in the dorm: stared down a muscular guy that was screaming at his girlfriend in the stairwell until he turned his wrath on me, wondered what that fucking smell in the hallway was (hashish, I later found out), watched a neighbor smoking pot throw up on himself as he told me about the cockroach corpses he'd found in his room, spent an awkward evening drinking wine with an older couple sharing the room next to me and possibly contemplating asking me to join them in a three way. There was probably also a lot of masturbating. I mean by other people! I told did it with a chick or something. Probably like eight of them!

I did more stuff too! But I don't have all day to type all the cool things I accomplished that first year of college! Sheesh!

All of his stories converge at the burning his family to death moment.

Later he may or may not have done some other magical things. Also he might have worn a tie or had orange hair or masturbated while resting his chin on the edge of a dirty toilet. None of that really mattered because, once again, his story converges on a moment in Newcastle when he lost the soul of a young girl to hell, damning himself and his mates to...well, to kind of feel bad about themselves or something. Unless he beat the demon and saved the girl. I think the one where he fails but goes crazy is his television secret origin. And the one where he defeats the beast is his New 52 secret origin. And the one where he has orange hair and the young girl's severed arm is some other origin. Maybe Preboot? I really should reread my old Constantine comics!

Oh? Then I guess I don't have to reread my old comics! Thanks, John!

John Constantine Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. It wasn't really much of a secret origin, was it? His family burned to death and he had a major battle for the life of an innocent in Newcastle. Already knew that stuff! The other things were all possibilities and what-nots! The story could have at least mentioned why he can't remain in London without slowly dying. That was a thing, right? But if John says it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter. But he could have mentioned that to DC Comics before they chose to feature him in a comic book called Secret Origins! Fucking rip-off is what this was!

Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was this angry guy that didn't have any fear and was given a ring by the Green Lantern Corps because the rings don't have a very good interview process. They just fly up to a person and say, "Mister Jones of Sector Whatever, you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And then whatever sociopath it chose gets to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe! And that's how Guy Gardner was given more power than he deserved to have!

Fucking hell. Then why did I buy this fucking comic booK?!

When Guy Gardner was a boy, nobody loved him. Boo fucking hoo. Wah wah wah! First his mother died. World's tiniest violin much? Then his brother would beat him up on a regular basis. Does baby need a nappy? And then Guy broke his brother's arm while defending his sister so brother couldn't beat him up anymore. That meant it was dad's turn to punch him! God, I'm running out of sarcastic ways to point out how much I don't care!

Well, that makes up for all that bullshit then! Thanks for the mediocre apology! Those beatings are totally forgotten now!

What I think the story is hinting at is that Guy Gardner had a tough childhood.

The whole family became cops and everything was good again! Not really because Guy's father was still a miserable, bitter asshole and Guy actually cared what his father thought for some reason. Look, some people just wind up having assholes for relatives. You don't have to make excuses for them over and over again just to have them in your life. I wish more people realized how easy it is to cut an asshole out of your life even if they're related to you. It's possible it's not as easy for other people because other people feel love and emotions and connections and shit like that.

Eventually Guy Gardner becomes a Green Lantern because the Green Lantern Corps has some kind of fetish for human beings. You assholes do know there are millions of other inhabited planets in Sector 2814, right? You don't have to choose them all from Earth!

Guy Gardner has so much anger inside that he eventually becomes a Red Lantern. I'm trying to find some compassion for him but I just love to point out how cliche his past was and don't have the willpower to stop myself. I fear I may have gone too far but I hope I didn't. Um, greed.

Guy Gardner Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a recounting of all the shit Guy's been through so far in The New 52. For somebody who has been reading all of the books with Guy in it, this holds no surprises. I think. Maybe the brother beating the shit out of him was new. Anyway, it might have been enlightening for readers that haven't cared about Guy at all since the Reboot. But then why would they care about this story too?

Black Canary
Black Canary's secret origin is that she gained the power to scream people's heads off while working for Team 8. Unless it was Team 7. Six maybe? I forget how she gained the power but at the beginning of the Team 7 comic book, she didn't have any powers. And by the end of it when Gamorra sunk beneath the ocean, she had the power to scream. I think it had something to do with the Majestic Project. Unless it was something else. I don't really remember. But who cares about any of that since Grifter is in this story!

From Grifter's perspective, this panel is full of his own Narration Boxes.

This story takes place immediately following the destruction of Gamorra. Black Canary has chosen to get the fuck out of New Atlantis with the skull of Pandora instead of searching for Kurt's body lost somewhere in the chaos below. As she swats a few of Grifter's Narration Boxes out of her way and settles down in the seat next to Stever Trevor, she decides to have a Secret Origin flashback! That's when she remembers how she developed her secret powers due to secret experiments she agreed to submit to while on Team 7.

And then she becomes the lead singer of the band Ashes On Sunday! I know I skipped some parts but I don't think they were very important. Although I think she got the name of her band at Kurt's funeral where somebody's ashes were buried and it was probably Sunday.

The government (or whoever was in charge of Team 7) decides they need to make Dinah disappear but she disappears herself first. And that's basically why she's been on the run since the Reboot started. Or something.

Black Canary Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't have anything more to add to the Black Canary stuff. Once again, it was mostly stuff told in other stories. I am glad that this is the final issue of Secret Origins though! The problem I've always had with DC's Secret Origin books is that the characters that I'm interested in, I already know everything they tell me (and they rarely try to tell the story in a new and interesting way). And the characters that I don't know anything about, I'm never interested in! Otherwise I'd already know their secret origins! DC's Who's Who was always a better way to approach the history of their characters. You get a lot more into one book and you can just summarize their stories and their powers without telling a story that's been told and rehashed dozens of times before. Good riddance, Secret Origins!