Constantine #2

Come on, DC. You couldn't splurge on some glow-in-the-dark faerie paste?

Last issue, Constantine was on a quest to find the three pieces of Angus Croydon's Compass. Angus Croydon is a nod to Aleister Crowley. Also one of my sources (you're all my sources now! But if anybody threatens me to give you up, I'm giving! Immediately! No journalistic integrity here!) reminded me of the name of John's buddy that I can never, ever remember: Chaz. So I'm pretty sure Lemire and Fawkes were throwing a shout out to Chaz by naming John's first victim friend, Chris. But now John has to travel the world on his own to find the last two pieces of the compass because he allowed Sorceress Stradenko to kill Chris. The reason John could give up Chris so easily is that the compass does Chris's job. So Chris was an idiot to help John out on this one. You never give an inanimate object the chance to steal your shit.

Is a compass actually an inanimate object? Can I call it partially-animate? Or mystically-animate since it uses some kind of hoodoo to tell direction?

This issue begins with John preparing to tell the reader a funny thing about magic. Oh boy!

Hmm. It wasn't that funny. Here's his joke, reinterpreted a bit through somebody else's voice (possibly mine but I can't always be sure about that):

How does a great wizard become truly powerful? Give up everything!

People might interrupt you after you say the "give up" part with a "yes". If they do, shoot them a really hurt look for interrupting your joke and maybe even slap them in the face for being rude.

That joke wasn't very good AND it didn't quite get John's message across. Maybe I should try again!

How does a powerful wizard become truly great? By losing everyone you've ever loved and everything you've ever valued and turning bitter and twisted and rotten and hurt and shameful.

That joke wasn't very good either. I suspect John didn't mean the first definition of funny but the definition of funny that isn't really funny at all!

John's trip to Myanmar for the 2nd piece of the compass doesn't start out so well.

Once John gets kidnapped, he suddenly becomes funny! He makes a bunch of child warrior kidnappers laugh by telling them dirty jokes on the way to his captor. I have to just assume he was telling them dirty jokes because how he made them laugh was edited out of the comic book. They were probably really funny and super dirty and would have been just the sort of thing to make Hellblazer sound mature and adult! I bet some of the jokes were even misogynist but Lemire and Fawkes could have gotten away with it by pointing out that they weren't telling the jokes; Constantine was!

Next Constantine is tied to a chair and meets his captor, the blind Mister E, where he makes even more jokes when Mister E demands to know the location of Croydon's Needle!

Mister E and half of Tumblr don't take kindly to John making fun of Mister E's blindness.

Mister E uses some kind of hypnotism to make John think he's in pain when he acts like he's twisting a silver cord connected to John's soul. Come on, Mister E! Everybody knows souls aren't real things! And silver cords are just new age mumbo jumbo! Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and agree that souls are real, threatening to cut John's soul off from his body is going to attract all of the wrong kinds of attention! There are creatures that can't let John die, you know. You don't know what you're fucking with here, Mister Mister E.

Mister E is basically a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Colonel Sanders.

For being magic types, Constantine's attackers somehow keep forgetting what magic is all about. It's about misdirection. But they've all decided it's about fireballs and disintegration spells and lightning bolts. So they keep trying to overpower Constantine. And while he's playing the victim, his real plans are going on behind his metaphorical mirrors.

And his plan is to tell a joke! Finally! My whole commentary has been building up to one of his jokes!

I don't get it.

After John gets away, The Spectre attacks him. The Spectre is this douchey guy that thinks he can decide who needs to be punished for something they did. He's a real dick to be around. "YOU THREW YOUR GUM WRAPPER ON THE FLOOR! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!" Ugh. Total wank. And he takes his anger out on people in the name of God. As if God cares (or even exists!) that somebody poked another somebody in the eye one time. Leave it alone, Spectre! Let people handle their own problems. Nobody needs you!

Man that guy is a jerk.

The Spectre decides he's going to punish Constantine because The Spectre's host, old whats-his-name Corrigan, knew John's latest sacrifice, Chris. So apparently The Spectre's list of those that need to be judged is run by favours and lobbyists and nepotism. There isn't any Divine Plan to the people The Spectre punishes! And John basically points it out to him when John admits he probably deserves to be punished but he's kind of busy stopping powerful mages from displacing God over here.

This is akin to telling a cop to go catch some real criminals when he pulls you over for running over a couple of school children.

Constantine's bullshit once again wins the day and The Spectre believes him. He heads off to bully some other little magic kid while still not punishing the people that probably really need to be punished. Did I mention The Spectre is a fucktard?

Afterward, John finds Croydon's Dial inside a temple. Now he figures he has a choice. Hide the Dial and get on with his life knowing nobody can use Croydon's Compass without all three parts, or go for the Lens to look like a big shot. I'm pretty sure he's going to go with the big shot plan. And he's going to need to be a big shot because waiting for him in London is a trap set by Sorceress Stradenko: corpses hanging from buildings!

Yeah, I don't know how that's a trap either.

Constantine #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know if I totally buy Constantine talking The Spectre out of whooping some ass though. That Spectre guy is always looking for a reason to parcel out Divine Retribution! John must have really scared him with the line about having to pick up John's slack and do more work if John died. "MORE WORK?! FUCK THAT! YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH, CONSTANTINE! YOU SHALL LIVE AND I WILL GO TAKE A NAP!"