Batman: The Dark Knight #18

Groovy.

Grunion Guy was supposed to finish up Chapter Three of his story, "Temperance Goes Down", but he couldn't make his deadline. Oh sure, he claims he finished! But do I have a copy of it? Fuck no.

Grunion Guy: "Did you realize Chapter Three was about Alice getting cock?"
Me: "I am not printing that story."
Grunion Guy: "Censorship! First Amendment! Freedom of Speech!"
Me: "You want freedom of speech? Fuck you."
Grunion Guy: "Wait, wait! This is my first paragraph: "The Gerbil's brother decided to tell a story because Alice had gotten so wet. But the duck just wanted to do it. And the Dildo was all about getting some cock."
Me: "Stop it. That's enough. I won't print your explicit Alice in Wonderland porn."
Grunion Guy: "It's not worse than that Alice in Wonderland comic book on the shelves at the comic book store where she's basically sitting on the Queen of Heart's face with her pendulous breasts sliding out the sides of her apron!"
Me: "Yeah? Well I don't publish that shit. Get out of here with your Alice porn. You're fired!"
Grunion Guy: "Oh yeah?! Well have you heard about the Second Amendment?!"
Me: "Is that a fucking threat?"
Grunion Guy: "Hunh? No, I was just wondering if the Second Amendment could help since you're shitting all over the First One that I think can help me somehow. Is the Second One about ghost writers?"
Me: "I don't have time for this. Turn in a less vulgar version of your story or get the hell out."
Grunion Guy: "What if Alice ends up on a floating city with a bunch of racists and crows?!"
Me: "Good day."

Anyway (fucking Grunion Guy), this issue begins with The Dark Knight investigating a night club run by Tweedle Dee and owned by The Mad Hatter's company, One Size, Inc. He tries to interrogate Tweedle Dee but Tweedle Dee has some truth to lay down on Bats.

It's like Gregg Hurwitz was birthed directly from my brain.

This is an excellent moment. I've bitched a number of times about how Batman beats people so severely that they can easily end up dying from their injuries and yet he still espouses a non-lethal ethic. It's easy to believe that he knows the limits of the kind of damage he can do to a person without actually killing the person because, well, he is the Goddamned Batman, after all. But you would think the amount of hit point damage he deals out on a nightly basis that somebody would eventually succumb to their wounds. I have a feeling that Batman feels fine about what he does as long as nobody dies on the scene. If they happen to expire in the hospital later, it's the fucking doctor's fault.

But no matter how nice this moment is with Tweedle Dee acting righteous, Batman's response is even better.

Batman's look in that first panel is classic. "Are you fucking kidding me? Is he havin' a laugh?"

Batman continues his investigation by swinging in through windows, booting people in the face, fracturing people's palates and sinus bones and orbital sockets, cracking skulls, and unhinging jaws. It's all very effective. Although I have to wonder who he's maiming since most of them are wearing hats which mean they're probably innocent bystanders being hatpnotically controlled. Batman's "investigation" turns up a robust tea trade. All the different kinds of teas give the Mad Hatter all kinds of different powers. That's exactly like The Virgin class in the Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators! Which must mean The Mad Hatter is a virgin!

Oh wait. That's not a big surprise. He's a tiny, snaggle-toothed, cross-eyed man. Although I'm sure he's not a virgin because of his looks! Nobody in this day and age would ever judge somebody by their looks! Everybody should be willing to fuck everybody while using all the correct pronouns and being as inoffensive as possible! I'm sure The Mad Hatter is a virgin because he's an angry, misanthropic asshole who constantly reblogs bigoted shit on Tumblr.

The Mad Hatter is currently checking out his tea distribution business and he must have been drinking from the tea that makes him super strong and super agile and unscented and super quiet and invisible because he gets the drop on Batman and cracks him over the head. The Mad Hatter gets away and Batman stumbles out to find Catwoman stealing the hubcaps off of the Batmobile.

If the other villains in Gotham learned that you could get away with anything as long as you have a fuck buddy history with Batman, this comic book is going to become X-Rated.

Batman drives off after The Mad Hatter missing a hubcap. Alfred is going to be pissed.

Meanwhile The Mad Hat[t]er's play is almost ready. They only need to cast the part of Alice and they'll be set to make all of Jervis Tetch's adolescent fantasies come true. I have a feeling Jervis's play is going to be more vulgar than Grunion Guy's story. Jervis also has a chance to reminisce. In a stunning twist, it turns out it could be an experimental drug that makes Jervis go crazy and not being bullied and brow-beaten by other children.

One pill makes you bigger; one pill makes you smaller. But the kind your doctor gives you turns you into a raving, homicidal lunatic.

Now, I don't know yet if he takes the pill or not. The side effects line up perfectly with the monster he becomes but it still could be his social life falling apart that puts him over the edge after he decides not to take it. Perhaps he'll decide not to take it, find that Alice won't dance with him at the dance, and then he'll rush home and eat all the pills at once. Or he might just take them and succumb to the side effects. I like that version because it's so tragic. His friends have all accepted him for who he is up until this point. He's the only one that can't accept himself. And in trying to change himself, he's going to turn into something that his friends won't like and he'll lose them that way. I hope that's what happens.

It looks like Gregg Hurwitz is going to give all of the crazy villains a sympathetic background. The reader can care more about them and understand why they've become the person they've become. But Batman doesn't give a shit about that kind of feel good garbage. His life was tragic and horrible as well and he didn't resort to killing and hurting other people. Oh wait. Yes he did! He just decided to hurt the kind of people the police don't mind getting hurt. But seriously, he decided to dedicate his life to justice and helping others. So Bats doesn't particularly care if these maniacs came from tragic backgrounds. He didn't let his tragedy turn him into a monster, so he understands they also had the choice not to become monsters. All Batman cares about is that choice they made. And once they make it, Batman can justify beating the living shit out of them!

Later at the dance, Jervis tries life without the pills, probably for the last time.

What a whore! Can't she see how much he likes her? Doesn't that mean she owes him a chance!? What is she going to do? Find somebody that likes her that she also likes? Ugh. How dare she! I mean, this is so tragic and sad!

Back in the present, Jervis pays a visit to Alice Kahla (née Dee). He finds her a sad, middle-aged woman with a bitter husband and a brood of children. But Jervis isn't big on reality.

I'm with The Mad Hatter. Fuck reality.

And then we get the Bruce Wayne mirroring Jervis Tetch's part of the story. Bruce apparently really loved Natalya the Penis. So like Jervis, he wants that love, that perfection back. But he doesn't simply want to relive the past. He wants to live in the present and change the future. I'm not sure if the next couple of pages are Bruce's fantasy or if Bruce is actually revealing his secret identity to Natalya to get her back. Also her name might not be Natalya.

Well, he does need a new Robin.

I really can't tell if Batman has just gone through with revealing his secret self to Natalya or he was fantasizing doing this as he looked at a photograph of her. I suspect he's really going through with it as she already hinted that she knew who he was just before they broke up. So Bruce kind of has to keep her close to him before she blabs his secret to every guy she gets close to. "You know, I was fucking The Batman!" I also think a grown ass woman would be a much more appropriate Robin than a young preadolescent boy. I also can't wait to see Catwoman's face when she first runs into the new Robin swinging about Gotham.

And then the issue ends with Jervis finally deciding whether or not to take his Testosterone Supplements.

Because The Batman's origin mirrors the bad guy's origin in The Dark Knight stories, this must mean Batman took steroids. I fucking knew it.

Batman: The Dark Knight #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. Gregg Hurwitz has come along and pulled a 540 on this title. A 180 wasn't enough to rid it of the David Finch writing stench that had been clinging to it for so long. So he had to spin it full around one extra time before turning it around and making it good. I also think The New 52 needed a Batman title like this. I want stories like this that sort of stand alone and aren't completely wrapped up in the current continuity. I'm sure they are but they lack any links or indicators that tie them directly to it. Notice The Dark Knight wasn't forced to do a Requiem issue? DC needs more comics that DON'T rely on the whole world building thing. Give me good stories with good characters. Surprise me. Make me feel something for the heroes and the villains! Hurwitz is doing these things. Thank you, Gregg Hurwitz!