Threshold #3

Another day, another drunken rabbit in space comic.

Spring is here and with it comes the soul crushing realization that rebirth is simply an illusion, a cruel hoax played on humankind by the natural world. "Rejoice! Spring is here!" sing the youthful, skipping through fields, fucking passionately in the meadows, drunk from the scent of newly budding flowers and fresh fallen rain. But where is the rebirth for my aching body, growing wearier and wearier year after year? The joy of the eternal is only for the severely self-deluded and those still riding the crest of the wave of youth. For those that have been pushed past the peak, quickly descending the other side of the wave, spring is a harsh joke and a worse reminder than winter's stark cold that it all must soon end.

What I'm trying to say is, "Happy Spring everybody!"

What I really wanted to say, having the bunny theme already set up, was, "Happy Easter everybody!" But being that most of the denizens of the internet are entirely too literal, I would have received an influx of "It's not Easter" messages. But it is spring! So like death swooping down magnificently on an old woman clutching her chest and gasping for breath, I've nipped that problem in the bud!

Besides, if I say something like "Happy Easter", people might read into the religious connotations of my sentiment as if every religious holiday hasn't been completely co-opted by secularists. I guess it's only fitting since the religious co-opted the pagan ritual days. I can't wait until another thousand years has passed and Easter becomes a day where everybody barricades their doors and hides in the bomb shelters because the grenade lobbing death bunny has once again risen from the grave, hop-hop-hopping down that bunny trail to eviscerate your children and leave their bloody hearts in a basket on your doorstep.

Who are the numb-monkeys that made decompression so popular? I'm not a man of violence unless a huge, well-muscled man attacks me for no reason and I happen to be carrying a skateboard but if I would allow myself an act of violence on anybody in the world, it's the people that respond to forum posts with TL;DR. Stop reveling in your ignorance and your short attention spans and thinking that people who enjoy the act of communication are somehow jerks for trying to make you read words. What these forum assholes are really saying is, "I'm an asshole and an idiot and I think typing four letters and a piece of punctuation is a sufficient critique of your ability to put together a coherent thought.

Now all the smarmy assholes are chomping at the bit to reply to this post with TL;DR. Although who the fuck reads any of my long-winded commentaries if they're that type of internet monkey?! I've never been known for brevity. Incoherent rambling? Check! Short, succinct analyses of pop culture media? Maybe if you break it down into snippets and you categorize each of my comments as a brief analysis of a specific moment in time, you might think of my writing as a series of "brief analyses" which cut deep into the heart of some archetypical landscape of our collective hopes, dreams, and fears.

Meanwhile in the comic book, the furries are stealing weapons.

Don't get me wrong! I appreciate the utility of a well-placed TL;DR. Sometimes a person will use it on their own post when they know some of the information they're placing in the text might be more technical or more complicated than the average person scanning the web might be in the mood for. But they feel the message is of some import, so a TL;DR note at the bottom summing up the text is helpful. Then the meat of the argument/message/whatever is there for those interested, and the synopsis of the message is also clear for those just speeding through on their way to more cat videos. But as a response to somebody else? It ranks right up there with "Meh". And ranking high, in this context, means it sucks. In my mind, it's always preferable to read somebody's disagreements with what I have to say than to have them respond as if they either didn't read it (in the case of TL;DR) or as if their time is too important or their intellect too great to say anything more than "Meh." "Meh" is only used in an insulting way. You might as well not even post. Or if you begin with "Meh" and then respond anyway, how about you just leave the "Meh" off, hunh, you condescending douchebaggy banana turnip.

Meh.

Wow. That was remarkable! Invigorating! Why am I wasting so many words writing about comic books and pointing out the good and the bad when I can just review each one with a "Meh" or an "Epic!" Holy shit. Why the fuck am I wasting so much time with my own thoughts?! "Meh" is the ultimate criticism! It can't be argued against! It derides just the right amount to show the other person is an unthinking bottom feeder and I'm that person's superior! It's also not very entertaining but I can live with not being very entertaining, can't I? Especially when I suddenly have so much more time to live! I shall embrace the "Meh"! I shall live by the code of the "TL;DR"! I shall become an INTERNET GOD!

Hey Sea Green Fish Face! That's the same question I asked last Commentary!

I wonder how remorseful Jaime Reyes is going to be about killing all of these innocent bystanders once he gains control again? Perhaps he just won't have to deal with it since he's unconscious underneath the Reach armor after being kicked in the head by that silly rabbit.

I can't believe I keep talking through this Hunted Live Feed. I'm like your jerk parents that can't watch a movie without constantly asking questions throughout the whole thing. "How big do you think that guy's prick is?" "Do you think she's completely shaved?" "How old do you think that actor was before he got his first hemorrhoid?" "Do you still love me?" I should get back to The Hunted since it's gotten particularly exciting now.

Fucking gimmicks!

Caul runs into a a Hunt Club called The Eradicators. But before they get a chance to kill him, Blue Beetle comes rampaging onto the scene to destroy their hopes and dreams. You see, Blue Beetle is still in his grace period. So the Hunt Club can't defend themselves against him. They can! But if they kill him, they'll end up replacing him on the show as one of the hunted. So their only real choice is to die. Okay, that's not much of a choice. I guess they could try to run.

See? They've come to the same conclusion!

Luckily for these Crimson Thrust wannabes, Jaime Reyes comes to and suppresses the Scarab's penchant for evisceration. Jaime flies off to go to ground, so to speak, while Caul breathes a sigh of relief. He also sighs because Hawkins and his robot bodyguard Ilda have caught up to him. Hawkins is a Hunted who disguises himself with Matches Malone Cloaking Technology. He's been trying to get Caul to follow him back to a "blind point" where the Live Feeds can't find them. It's kind of a Hunted Refugee Camp. Caul hasn't been interested until now. Why now? Because Hawkins tells him that he's found his power battery.

Meanwhile Captain K'rot is arguing with Sleen (who, it turns out, is a kitten and not a raccoon. Which means I can still have a weird, furry, inappropriate crush on her) about leaving Caul to the Reach Warrior. Apparently Caul is supposed to be their friend. But Captain K'rot is the Han Solo type. He ain't got friends, princess! He just has a gigantic sidekick and, well, in this case, a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid. I wonder if she knocks over garbage cans at night and goes fucking batshit over dangled string? I wonder why Han Solo didn't have a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid? While they're arguing their argument that will probably end up with Captain K'rot feeling guilty and coming back to save Luke's life, she mentions his missing leg.

If Liefeld hadn't been allowed to fuck up Lobo's Reboot appearance, I'd guess it was Lobo that took his leg. It would have been awesome to see Lobo flying his space hawg with a gigantic rabbit's foot hanging off the handlebars.

Before Captain K'rot can feel guilty (which I'm not sure he can), a green butler appears to offer Captain K'rot a job for 50,000 credits. He wants Captain K'rot to retrieve Caul's power battery. That either puts him at odds with Hawkins or means the green butler actually works for Hawkins. Whatever the case, it means Captain K'rot will be remaining on Tolerance for a bit longer.

Meanwhile, Space Ranger Ric Starr has brought Stealth back to the Refugee Bar where T'morra (the leader of the refugees? I think?) recruits other Hunted players to the rebellion. The current known members of T'morra's little group are Hawkins, Ric Starr, Ember, and Ilda (if a Robot Bodyguard can be a member). They seem to be getting Caul with the Power Battery lure. And now they've got a proposal for Stealth.

Everybody loves a rebellious underdog! As long as they keep that love and admiration hidden from the prying eyes of the ruling government.

Meanwhile Blue Beetle is being recruited for the cause by Lonar, another Hunted who believes he's a God. Or a New God. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is! I think it has something to do with Jimmy Olsen. His steed, Thunderer, does not make an appearance. At least not yet.

Later in the back-up story, Larfleeze is busy trying to retrieve his stolen possessions with the help of the Star Rovers and, apparently, this other guy.

I'm actually surprised he doesn't have a giant rabbit's foot hanging from his belt.

This is the famous Branx Rancor! Famous in that he was mentioned by Sleen earlier in the non-back-up story.

See? Famous!

The Star Rovers and Larfleeze strike a deal with Branx for his help.

I have a feeling Branx is going to be less likable than Lobo. I like him!

The deal is going as smoothly as one would expect between a narcissist like Larfleeze and a misogynist like Branx when L.E.G.I.O.N. shows up. They were hunting Branx and his companion and now they can add the smugglers, The Star Rovers, to their list of people to apprehend.

L.E.G.I.O.N.'s apprehension of a bunch of criminals in a starside cafe is going as smoothly as possible where a bunch of innocent people are caught up in the crossfire of an authoritarian military regime and a bunch of space villains when Larfleeze's rogue orange constructs decide to crash the party.

Be with us next issue for "Star Rover, Star Rover, Send Rancor on Over" or "Orange You Glad We Didn't Say Banana."

Threshold #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I could have hated this entire issue and I'd still love that it's left me with the anticipation of some character showing up in the future with a giant rabbit's foot attached to his belt.