I, Vampire #17

Isn't Constantine's ego already big enough? Do you have to declare him Earth's last, best hope as well?

Why do you suppose DC changed the title of I...Vampire in the Preboot era to I, Vampire in the Reboot era? Not that I care. Both of them suck. Maybe I, Vampire and my Blog were mixed up in this timeline. I think it should be "Eee! Vampire!" and "I, Tess Ate Chai Tea." Except then my blog name loses all of its attitude and charm and hidden swearing. Although "Eee! Vampire!" sounds like a fun book.

At the end of last issue, Andrew Bennett had taken over The House of Mystery and evicted John Constantine. That might be a problem for most of this issue but I have a feeling the real owner of The House of Mystery might show up to set things right. You know? Cain the Original Vampire? Now, he's not the Preboot Cain, obviously. But he very well may have the same relationship to The House of Mystery that that Cain had. Not that Cain is really much of a solution to anything unless it serves his own interests. So until John Constantine can do that thing he always does where he convinces his enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests, John is going to have to figure out on his own how to boot the squatters from his house.

I think these were my downstairs neighbors a few years ago. At one point I had a housemate I called "The Troll" and at another point, there was "Dead Boy."

John has enough magic power to drive the wolf vampire squatters back inside the House of Mystery. John's companions charge after them while John finishes his cigarette. Then he heads in too. But now that they've all entered the House of Mystery at slightly different moments, they're going to find themselves in all sorts of weird rooms and situations all by themselves! Remember Frank and Amy and Orchy and their run through the House? I think this will be a lot like that! Except with Wolfy Vampire Squatters!

Professor John runs into his lesbian grandmother. Virgin Bloody Mary winds up in a room full of the animated corpses of all of her previous meals. Deborah Dancer finds herself with zombified Mishkin (her lover the dog was named after). And John finds himself alone with Tig with his first opportunity to convince an enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests!

Constantine continues on the next page, "Well, kid...I suppose you should do something about that." These are my favorite moments when doing these commentaries. When something I mentioned earlier about a character actually proves out a few pages later. Although it can only be done when a writer knows his craft and allows the characters to be themselves. You'll never see me correctly guessing how one of Scott Lobdell's characters is going to act!

While the good guys are involved in their little House of Mystery detours, Puppy Mishkin and the two lesser members of Andrew Bennett's team, the magic vampire and the Van Helsing's artifact librarian, are busy doing some magic rituals involving the brick from the Tower of Babel. The librarian says something in Runespeak but he fucks it up so I don't know if his spell is going to work. He says, "Sere's the damn Runespeak again." Pretty sure he meant to say "here's" instead of "sere's". Dumb dumb!

During the ritual, guess who appears easily enough inside the House of Mystery? Oh, you don't have to guess. You know I always make the right call!

I forget what Constantine told Cain last issue but whatever it was, he may have already convinced Cain to help out.

The ritual being performed is one which will open a gateway to Hell. Cain is here to use the portal himself and bring his bride Lilith back to Earth. And he's more than powerful enough to get through these newly vampired yahoos.

Meanwhile, Professor John's grandmother has turned into a lesbian octopus flailing on the floor. She's just a distraction anyway. Andrew Bennett is John's real problem.

Holy shit! Is that how gay sex always ends?!

Constantine must have convinced Tig that he didn't kill her father because instead of being dead when he next appears, he's wandering in on Virgin Bloody Mary covered in writhing corpses. He saves her and then binds Andrew Bennett to the wall before heading off to close the portal to Hell.

This comic book might as well be the first issue of Constantine. Or the last issue of Hellblazer. Maybe it's the bridging story.

By the final page, it seems like Constantine fails to close the portal before Lilith comes through. None of that is shown though so it may not be too late. It could be Cain merely jumping the gun. But that's secondary news. The real ending is when Virgin Bloody Mary kisses Andrew Bennett and he bites her lip to begin sucking her blood to change her back to normal Bloody Mary! But he doesn't get to finish the process before my sweet baby Tig comes back into the story.

Apparently Tig is a huge nerd.

I, Vampire #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Two of the supporting characters were killed in this one? Feels like they're closing up shop! I just hope Tig survives and winds up in Green Arrow where she can once again be drawn by Sorrentino and I can continue to crush hard on her.