Firestorm #17

That's it, Tim! Use your smarts! A right fucking hook is going to bring down Firestorm. You, sir, truly are the biggest genius in the DCnU.

From this cover, it looks like Firestorm's biggest weakness is his aim. For some reason, I tend to think that Firestorm's powers derive simply from his thinking what he wants done and it happens. But it looks like he first has to hit the thing he wants to transmute with his Nuclear Fisting Blasts. Which then makes me wonder how the fuck he took out Kid Flash first?! Bart Allen, you are truly horrible at your job.

Here are my wishes for this comic book:
1. Ronnie's mom pulls some racist bullshit and pisses off Jason's dad. Hopefully during anal sex.
2. Jason and Ronnie have at least one scene that can be read as if they're in love.
3. Tim Drake loses his virginity. Doesn't matter to whom.
4. Kid Flash is more entertaining written by Dan Jurgens than by Scott Lobdell (this is less a wish and more a certainty).
5. Solstice hits on Ronnie or Jason and is rebuffed.

The issue begins with Firestorm "fixing" Mt. Rushmore. I put fixing in quotes because he's really just returning it to National Monument Normality. He should turn the faces into Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Black Lightning. Or maybe Max Lord, Amanda Waller, Niles Caulder, and leave Dr. Megala.

Come on, Dan Jurgens. U2? Really? You do realize it's 2013, right? Why not KISS? You could have at least had him suggest The Village People or Abba.

Firestorm easily changes the faces back to the old white guys that were originally carved into the rock when a military attack helicopter earns its name (it attacks while helicoptering! Duh!). Instead of fleeing or turning the helicopter into pudding, Ronnie decides to sit on the co-pilot's lap and have a quickie. Quickie discussion, I mean!

Do it, Mister Officer Sir! Put out the flames! I've been wondering what would happen!

Ronnie's speech doesn't change General Eiling's mind because General Eiling represents America. And America doesn't care if someone attests that they'll only use their power for good. They still have the power! And America knows only America is righteous and good enough to handle so much power! Go America, you nation full of fearful and arrogant bastards! I should know because I'm one of them although I'm just arrogant and not fearful. All this "freedom isn't free" bullshit and hero worship of soldiers is so tiresome. You know what keeps America's citizens free? American citizens! Sending soldiers across the ocean to kill people with slightly different skin pigmentation isn't accomplishing anything but bad will. Wait. What does this have to do with Firestorm?! Fucking General Eiling and his smug, sunglasses wearing persona distracted me!

Let's see if the Teen Titans agree with me! They're currently discussing Firestorm because Red Robin trained with Batman so he subscribes to the belief that anybody with too much power needs to be watched closely. Bah! He's just like America!

That's what I thought, Red Robin! Especially when he dropped that knowing "U2" reference! Obviously a youngster!

Red Robin (being the obvious genius he is) thinks he knows where to find Firestorm. He probably did some triangulation by the cosine of the reverse square of the tectonic variations in the ionizing photosphere divided by pop culture references and figured out Firestorm would obviously be visiting Star Labs next. Or Wayne Tech has invented some pretty sophisticated Gaydar.

Back in Walton Mills, Ronnie's mom acts really creepy by telling Jason that his dad is a really special man. Then she heads off to fuck him, leaving Ronnie and Jason both severely creeped out. Darn. Maybe Jurgens is saving the implosion of Ronnie's mom's relationship for the final issue of Firestorm.

Eventually Firestorm heads off to repair Star Labs where he runs into three of the Teen Titans (the ones on the cover!). I don't know why Bunker didn't make it. Perhaps he would have interfered with Red Robin's Gaydar. Kid Flash mentions how Red Robin was right again and when is he ever wrong? Well, he's wrong in the panel immediately following their appearance when he accuses Ronnie of being one of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s soldiers with some nasty agenda! Why is Red Robin a super genius at times and an arrogant bastard that jumps to incorrect conclusions at others? Oh wait. I think that question answers itself.

Another timely pop culture reference to prove that Firestorm must be a teenager.

Ronnie decides he needs to fight the Teen Titans because fuck everybody shitting all over him all of the time. He has Transmogrification Powers! Why is he letting everybody piss in his mouth? It's time to git real! Word up! Yo! MTV raps! Headbanger's Ball time, bitches! Firestorm is about to go John Hinckley, Jr., all over your asses! It's fucking Hammer Time! He's gonna fight for his right to party! No whammies!

Ronnie's opening move is to shoot Solstice in the tits. Jason is horrified but he can't do anything because he's just an impotent incorporeal floating head. Next Ronnie turns Kid Flash's boots into flippers. That's actually a pretty smart move! Now Kid Flash will probably only be able to run half the speed of light. And Kid Flash can't take his flippers off or his feet will vibrate out of control and explode. Time for Red Robin to stop this!

Prepared with pills?

The pill thrown by Red Robin simply explodes. I don't know how that's preparing for a guy with Transmogrification Powers. Perhaps because the pill is too small for Firestorm to hit with his blasts. Firestorm finally remembers that he has pretty much the greatest power in the DCnU and decides to unleash a small atomic blast. That's better. The Teen Titans are used to getting their asses handed to them.

Wrong question, Solstice. Why do they always begin in conflict? It would be one thing if heroes actually tried to begin in a dialogue that isn't completely composed of threats.

The Teen Titans and Firestorm make nice after the Teen Titans learn they can't beat him. Red Robin tells everybody that he knew exactly what was going on all along. Kid Flash continues to buy into it and believe Tim Drake is a true genius. Jason finds Solstice attractive in a weird way. Perhaps because she reminds him of a drag queen? But Firestorm isn't able to rebuild Star Labs. Red Robin asks him to join the Teen Titans but Firestorm has a better offer on the table from the Justice League and turns them down. And that's the end of Firestorm's story this month.

Too bad Ronnie Raymond still has one big surprise waiting for him at home.

Ronnie's mom! NOOOOOOOO!!!

That's what happens when you don't take your secret identity seriously! I'm not sure how Ronnie didn't take his secret identity seriously but the proof is on the wall in his mom's ketchup. He was probably bragging at school how he's a great big super hero when he merges with the newspaper nerd. Actually, he probably leaves the merging part out of it. Anyway, from the skull symbol on the wall, it looks like Bolt has Ronnie's mom. Or, you know, somebody else maybe. The Punisher?

Firestorm #17 Rating: No change. Dan Jurgens is definitely still writing comic books for the 1980s.