Demon Knights #18

Why are those vampires vicious and mean? I thought they were supposed to be emo and sexy?

Last issue, Jason Blood led his group of ladies and horses and hermaphrodites to Madame Xanadu so that she could give him back his mouth. Being that he had no mouth, he couldn't tell them where they were going. Things almost erupted into a huge magic battle except Madame Xanadu recognized everybody. I wondered why Jason Blood couldn't take the time to write his companions a note to let them know where they were going. Seemed like the courteous thing to do.

Well, I guess that's a little bit better!

Xanadu informs the others that she can reverse the spell placed on Jason Blood and give him back his mouth. But she's really uppity and bitchy about it. Look, lady. I'm sure you were sitting in this dank cabin for years wondering where the fuck Jason Blood was and resenting him more and more each day. But you don't have to take out your hurt and anger on the people that brought him to you! Besides, why didn't you throw some bones and read some tea leaves or something. You could have known exactly when he'd return to this meeting place and then showed up ten minutes after that. Some seer you are!

You may have gotten the hint that I have no patience for Madame Xanadu.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he gets his mouth back:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood was Vandal's prisoner for several years, Vandal Savage told him all kinds of wacky stories. His favorite story to tell Jason Blood was how when Blood was in Hell and Etrigan was palling around with everyone, Madame Xanadu was constantly throwing herself at him.

Vandal: "Did I tell you the time I woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss and drunkenly wandered back into Xanadu's tent?"
Jason: "Mmmmph! Mmmph hmmmph!"
Vandal: "No? Well there she was, naked as a nymph, her knees pressed firmly to either side of Etrigan's face as his forked demon's tongue spelunked her witch's cave."
Jason: "Mmmmmmmm! Mphhphmmmph!"
Vandal: "What did I do? Well I joined in! You know what I really wanted to try though? I wanted to shove my dick right up Etrigan's ass and then make him say the chant to bring you back! Ha! I would have loved to see the look on your face! I'd have needed a mirror for that, I guess. But you know why I never tried it?"
Jason: "Mmmmm-mmmmm!"
Vandal: "Oh, I'm sure with the proper incentive, Etrigan would have been up for it. No, no. The reason I never tried it was because I was afraid my penis would go to Hell lodged in Etrigan's nether orifice. And being immortal without a penis? No, no. Not worth the risk at all."

Stories like that have made Jason a little bit cynical as to why Madame Xanadu has finally turned up with the other companions. And once they say they need Etrigan, Jason cries like a bitch. He figures it's all true! Madame Xanadu did love Etrigan more!

I hope she did!

Apparently Jason would rather spend some time in Hell than listen to more of Xanadu's protestations, so he says the chant to bring Etrigan back. Is that really wise? Etrigan's been trapped in Hell for years! He's probably not going to want to switch places with Blood any time soon.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he returns from Hell:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "You just want to fuck Etrigan!", Etrigan's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "Let's fuck in front of everybody!" Gotta say. Etrigan is killing it while Jason Blood is just being a whiny bitch. I bet Glenda, Randu, and Harry all secretly liked Etrigan better as well. I mean, I bet they WILL like him better! I forgot what year it was!

Sir Ystin tells Etrigan about Cain and his cannibal army and Etrigan is actually interested. He's heard about this guy Cain that even Lucifer has no dominion over. I guess Lucifer can't recruit people east of Eden. So it looks like Proto-Stormwatch is together again!

I should take a moment to talk about the new Companion in the group: Brickwedge. Brickwedge is the Horsewoman's new horse partner. He's a stumpy little guy with a big attitude and you can't help but like him because unlike all the other horses, he thinks about more than just carrots and apples. Last issue he was annoyed with the way Exoristos was talking about him and the Horsewoman, so he slyly unbuckled her horse's saddle (with his mouth! Brickwedge doesn't have hands!) so Exoristos fell on her ass when they all took off. He's a cheeky little fella!

This is Brickwedge being disrespected by a bird.

This is Brickwedge continuously bitching about everybody else. I like this horse!

Brickwedge and his horsy companions (plus Ystin's pegasus whose name, not surprising anybody, I've completely forgotten) succeed in getting the moronic humans to the shores across from Themyscira in time to catch Cain's vampire army battling the Amazonian Coast Guard. I hope the Amazons don't suddenly attack Exoristos while ignoring Cain and his army! That would be just like a comic book!

The Amazon's first reaction. Jerks!

They're not even on Themyscira and the Amazons have to point out how Exoristos has been exiled and she's getting awfully close to breaking Amazonian Law! Instead, they should cheer and say, "Yay! Help has arrived in the form of somebody we know is a really terrific fighter because she trained among our people even though after this we probably won't be asking her to tea!" I guess that's an awfully long greeting while a dozen vampires are breathing down your neck.

The Coast Guard teach the companions how to kill vampires. I guess they weren't raised on horror movies and Stephen King and Anne Rice and Buffy and *pains me to say it* Twilight, so they're less familiar with vampires than 21st century two year olds. Plus, you know, it's years before Dracula made being a vampire sexy. Well, sexy if you let him charm you. Not so sexy when he's murdering the fuck out of you and sticking your head on a pole.

Once they learn the method of destroying vampires, the battle quickly comes to an end.

Looks like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea just got a new Header in the queue!

After the battle is over, the Companions discover that this was simply a small band of Cain's army. The rest have already set sail for Themyscira. So it looks like they'll be traveling to Paradise Island. Without the penises and Exoristos, of course. So Etrigan and Sir Ystin will have to remain behind. Of course I'm just speculating due to Themyscira's anti-man policy!

But before they can even find out if they'll be allowed to help the Amazons fight, Etrigan needs to return to Hell to rejuvenate. But he finds Jason Blood unwilling to return.

Oh boy! Here we go! Blood is seriously daring Lucifer to be worse than Vandal Savage? Man. A broken heart can really make a guy say some stupid shit.

And speaking of Vandal!

Yay! Before I wasn't sure who I wanted to win. But now I know! Vandal!

I hope this means Vandal Savage will end up on Themyscira. I want to see him go toe to toe with Queen Hippolyta! Also, Queen Hippolyta is oooooooooolllllllldddddddd!

Demon Knights #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. If the Preboot version of Paradise Island and Queen Hippolyta are anything like the pre-Crisis era Paradise Island, then the Amazons have nothing to fear from Cain and his vampire army. That's because, according to the Who's Who, Aphrodite gave Queen Hippolyta a girdle because she looked fat. I mean, she gave it to her because it was magic and it meant that as long as Hippolyta wore it (or kept it in her footlocker. I wasn't too clear on the details), the Amazons would never be defeated in battle. Also, I guess all of the Amazons remain young and good looking as long as they remain on Paradise Island and despise men.