Aquaman #17

In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!

I'm seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I've been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I'm curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

"The art in this issue wasn't up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman's motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though."

That was some good writing practice! I think I'm ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It's uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It's a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: "The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, 'The Seven Seas.' But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, 'Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!' And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, 'Hey guys! There's a whole other sea on the other side of the island!' And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, 'MIND. BLOWN.'
Aquaman: "But then more successful cultures were all, 'What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!' And then an even more successful culture went, 'Oh? You think they're the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term--' And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, 'Ocean.'"
Aquaman: "And then everybody's minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+."

I can't find where I said it because I'm eternally unorganized and can't remember most of the things I've written from commentary to commentary, but I'm pretty sure when I speculated as to what Aquaman would be doing after fighting Black Mantis and Ocean Master and dealing with Atlantis, the only thing he would have left to deal with are Japanese Whalers and Dolphin Killers. Well guess the fuck what?

The Japanese Whalers have gotten their hands on some Atlantean Whale-killing tech and are having a gay old time. Literally a gay old time because whaling is an old career and whalers loved doing gay things to each other. Sheesh, read Moby Dick sometime!

Paul Pelletier has a funny way of drawing Japanese people! Maybe these guys are Icelandic or Norwegian! Wouldn't that just be typical of DC? Even when they're portraying bad guys, they have to pick white guys! Except of course when Aquaman's enemy has "black" in his name! Black Manta really should have been a Japanese Whaler.

Aquaman shows up with a squad of Atlantean Whaler Killers to stop the horrible abuse of ancient land mammals that signed a treaty with Atlantis for protection if they only moved into the ocean. I'm pretty sure that happened. And since the Atlanteans are defending the whales, maybe the weird coral-looking Whale Cannon the Whalers are using isn't Atlantean Technology. Unless Garth is some kind of black market Atlantean Tech fence! Maybe Dolphin sold the tech to the Japanese Whalers so they'll leave the dolphins alone!

Oh! I get what's happening. Those fucking whales are so Goddamned noisy with their singing all of the time, some Atlanteans can't get any fucking sleep. So they sell some Atlantean Whale Killing Tech to the land dwellers and have them silence those loud-mouthed water mammals!

After Aquaman stops the whalers, the Sea Devils (who have been fighting against the whalers themselves) climb on board the whaler's ship and yell at Aquaman.

Aquaman: "Thank you, Sea Devils, for helping us defeat these bloodthirsty villains!"
Sea Devil Dean: "You're a fucking terrorist and nobody likes you."
Aquaman: "Jesus fucking Christ in a pita pocket. You land-dwellers act as if your genitals are constantly caught in the pincers of a crab."
Sea Devil Judy: "Tee hee! I'm just doing this to research a part in a movie! Tee hee!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Fucking Judy. You do realize you've been Rebooted, right? Drop the stupid actress bullshit!"
Sea Devil Judy: "Hey asshole! We've only been in the Reboot for like ten fucking seconds. How do you know I'm not an actress?!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Well look at fucking Little Nicky. Not so little anymore, is he? And does it look like we're Frogmen searching for lost treasures and battling ancient underwater civilizations?"
Sea Devil Nicky: "Actually..."
Sea Devil Dean & Judy: "Shut the fuck up, Nicky!"
Aquaman: "I don't have all day here, guys. Did you need to do something other than calling me names?"

Because of this confrontation, Aquaman earns the mistrust of the human Sea Devils as well as the mistrust of the Atlantean Men-of-War. Arthur just can't win.

Afterward Aquaman goes to talk with Amanda Waller about some arms dealer selling Atlantean Technology on the international black market! I fucking knew Garth was up to no good! Actually, the technology that's being sold is stuff scavenged off of the bottom of the ocean left over from the very, very recent war between Boston and Atlantis. And "scavenged" is the operative word here because the page before Waller and Arthur discuss the world's hatred for Atlantis, Scavenger is shown scavenging the tech on the bottom of the sea. I had no idea who Scavenger was but I recognized his Shark-mouth Scuba Suit from the cover of Who's Who #XX. Apparently he's super mysterious and once devolved into an infant and then into sperm (or an egg (or both?)) and then into Limbo. But that probably never happened since that's old time Pre-Crisis History. That's so far removed from The New 52 that it might as well be a Marvel story.

Waller mentions that Orm may possibly get the death penalty for leading the attack on Boston. Really? It was just fucking Boston. Everybody calm down! Aquaman looks worried even as he declares that Orm wasn't a scapegoat and that Orm really does need to be punished for his decision to go to war. I think Aquaman is in denial because he wants to fit in so badly. But he should really listen to Waller here. She knows what she's talking about. Orm is absolutely a scapegoat. And if Waller had any feelings at all, she'll remember this moment and stick Ocean Master (Orm! Sheesh!) on the Suicide Squad so he'll stand a chance of beating the electric chair. But since Waller doesn't have any feelings at all, Orm had better just hope one of her super secret not-so-secret Suicide Squad missions takes place underwater.

How does Amanda know how Atlantis feels? Where does she get her information on everyone? She even knows why Mera wants nothing to do with Atlantis! Does Amanda have a better version of Who's Who than I do?!

Of course Waller being Waller, she immediately gets on the phone and tells her contacts they should take Mera now. Oh Amanda. You unfeeling bitch. Somebody throw a pie in this woman's face already.

While Mera is shopping, a bunch of cops show up to take her to the station for questioning. Well, that's not as bad as what I expected. I thought we were going to get a Mera/King Shark throw-down! Dammit. Now that's what I want to read!

While Mera is being arrested, Aquaman answers Amanda Waller's question.

Now aren't you feeling even a little badly about ordering Fish and Chips in Issue One?

Now I'm having one of those weird moments I think only girls are supposed to have. I feel all queasy in my stomach and my mouth wavers a bit and my vision becomes blurry as if I were walking in the windswept rain. This is not a boy feeling at all! How come I don't want to punch or fuck something right now? Why do I want to hug kittens and save puppies?!

Aquaman's Vuu Vuu Vuu telepathic waves reach all across the oceans and are eventually picked up by some guy beneath Antarctica who says, "King of the Seven Seas? How wrong you are." I don't know who this guy is but since he seems to have a problem with Arthur declaring himself King of the Seven Seas, it's probably Poseidon (even though he's super busy right now fighting The First Born in Wonder Woman).

Aquaman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were a few beats in this issue that were really well done and which I really enjoyed. You can tell I liked it because I completely forgot to make fun of Aquaman while reading it! I still think he's being a bit harsh and cruel toward his brother but he may eventually send Murk and the Men-of-war to free Orm since the land-dwellers are threatening to give him the death penalty. More likely, Arthur will just kind of look the other way as Murk and the Men-of-war free Orm on their own and they become Ocean Master's loyal henchmen.