Suicide Squad #16

For a comic book that I once relied on to actually kill characters, this Suicide Squad is having real trouble keeping its members in the grave.

After commenting on last issue, I realized that I hadn't quite grasped the scope to which people hate The New 52 relaunch. But when I began to read that people were bitching about Floyd Lawton not having a mustache, it hit me. I finally realized that haters gonna hate. And nit. And pick. And moan. And whine. And bitch. You know, there are legitimate reasons to be upset about DC's New 52 for fans of the Preboot Universe. But Floyd Lawton's mustache? Let's not make the argument against The New 52 weaker by whinging on about superficial bullshit. I mean, by all means, whinge on about everything you want! I'm not The New 52 police and I'm definitely not the counsel for the defense of it. Pile on everything that's different as a "con." I just don't see how Floyd missing his mustache ruins the fucking experience. There are plenty of other things doing that already!

I guess every time a fan has to look at the face without a mustache standing next to skinny Amanda Waller and whore-costume Harley Quinn, it's like an ice pick to the heart and a reminder that this isn't the world they're used to. But I have a super secret super secret: I'm enjoying Suicide Squad. Here's a superer secret super secret: I enjoyed Keith Giffen's run on Suicide Squad and was severely disappointed when it came to an end! And here's the supererest secret super secret of all: I never read Gail Simone's The Secret Six! Now, now. Don't choke on your cheetos. I'll get around to it. It's just that before The New 52, I hadn't read many comic books for about eight years. Which is why I'm the target audience for DC's relaunch. A mega-fan that had wandered away from the flock during some history heavy years and now is back to enjoy a brand new start! So ha ha! I'm reveling in their welcome, embracing, Grifter-writing arms while they ignore your hurt feelings and shattered psyches!

Everyone loves a gloater, right? Do I have that right? I'm sure I have that right!

But how what? How did somebody put an orange shirt on you?

Last issue, this guy woke up from a bed in the hospital. It's weird that they highlighted this guy since we were also discovering that Deadshot was alive via a Narration Box. I don't even know who this guy is! I mean, if he had a mustache, I'd guess he's Floyd Lawton. Maybe this is Guy Gardner. Was Guy Gardner in the hospital for some reason? I think Guy Gardner was being arrested or something last time we saw him.

Harley Quinn is also in the hospital undergoing radical wrist cuteness reconstruction. She hurt her dainty little albino wrists while escaping from The Joker. I think she might also need foot surgery after walking from New Jersey to Louisiana after escaping. Unless she hitched a ride from one of the other escaped lunatics of Gotham.

"Oh my god. It's full of stars!"

What Deadshot was really curious about when he woke up was how he woke up. Since he shot himself through the heart to kill Regulus, Deadshot should be dead. But Amanda Waller has a secret project called Samsara that helps dead people come back to life. Just ask Harley Quinn after Deadshot shot her! A fact that I remember but Harley has conveniently forgotten due to the love hormones radiating out from her heart vagina.

Maybe she doesn't remember Deadshot's willingness to shoot her because Harleen Quinzel was still repressed at the time. Or maybe she's simply referring to this one moment because he was supposed to kill her this time due to hypnosis but couldn't as opposed to last time when he simply needed to maim her. Or perhaps his lack of mustache has caused her to not recognize him as Floyd Lawton. Or perhaps there's some other excuse that doesn't finish with "bad writing."

That scene above this sentence takes place in a flashback to Regulus's headquarters where Harley made sure that the other jerks in the Suicide Squad who only care about themselves took dead Deadshot with them when they evacuated the temple. She also wanted them to grab frozen El Diablo. And seriously maimed Iceberg. What kind of Suicide Squad is this? "Let's make sure everyone makes it back safely!" "Let's not leave anybody behind!" "Did everyone make it back on the bus? Head count!" "Did we remember to grab our umbrellas?"

Dr. Harleen Quinzel is going to be the death of the reputation of this team! They're committing suicide by teamwork! One for all and all for dead!

See? See what happens when you waste time gathering up the wounded?

The person that electrocuted Boomer and King Shark is Grey Lora last seen in Issue #4 (according to the editorial box. Thanks, R. G.!). She has an unhinged jaw and sharp teeth and a long tail with an electric stinger on the tip. She's the one that they traded Captain Boomerang to so that he could become a double agent. Or a double double agent. Or a triple agent? A quadruple agent? I don't know how that spy fuckery works.

Grey Lora knocks out Iceberg next which leaves Harley Quinn the only member still standing. But then Harley Quinn says, "It's on like Donkey Kong." And I no longer care if she lives or dies. Why do comic book writers not know when to not use stupid, shitty, retarded slang that never sounded good even when the first person who said it said it? I suppose she'll start using phrases like "mad on" and "like a champ" and whatever other phrases Scott Lobdell uses because he's hip to the teen lingo.

The rest of the fight is really annoying. A lot of poorly written quips from one to the other while Harley avoids pulling the guns from her holsters and just shooting the snake woman. Perhaps they're just clown props. But I know she doesn't ignore them because she's averse to killing Grey Lora.

Since that's what she, you know, ends up doing. Just like Jumpman defeated Donkey Kong! Maybe. I could never get past third elevators.

Harley then picks up one of the automatic rifles sitting on the ground (an AK-47 if my Call of Duty Edumickashun serves me good) and blows away the last of Regulus's army. And thus Harley Quinn saves the Suicide Squad! Booo! Let one of them die already!

Returning to the present, Floyd decides to pay Harley a visit. They kiss and then beat the shit out of each other because Harley knows Amanda is watching via their surveillance contact lenses that I'm assuming can't be removed. So it's all an act so that they can keep fucking each other in secret. But then Harley blows it by needing to tell Floyd why she's acting like a lunatic. As opposed to the way she normally acts.

So now Amanda has a record of Harley telling Floyd about the contact lenses! Dumb dumb! And whatever device helps Amanda hear what's being said as well. Audio Nostril Plugs?

I guess if they whisper, Amanda can't hear what they're saying because the microphones are right on their bodies. Does that make sense? I'm sure that makes sense somehow otherwise Amanda can hear everything they're saying to each other! Harley also tells Floyd that she's positive he was dead. And that she just got 36 stitches in her wrist (that's a lot of stitches for such a dainty wrist!) and now they're gone. And now she wants him to break her nose and they'll see how quickly that heals.

Meanwhile Iceberg has entered a state of metamorphosis and is living it up in a gigantic ice cocoon. Hopefully when he hatches he'll think up a better name than Iceberg. Maybe he'll name himself On the Rocks! And then he can team up with Lime! But not El Diablo because El Diablo has decided to be a Satanist or an Atheist or something even worse now that he's turned against God. Amanda is super happy about the change because, fuck, religious people are so annoying! Now Amanda won't have to listen to El Diablo moan about doing ungodly things with his burninating powers. Lastly, Amanda learns that Black Spider betrayed the Squad of his own illusionary free will.

Buddhists don't want anybody or anything! That's kind of the whole point!

So Amanda is going to send everyone on another mission to retrieve some mysterious package that's probably more trouble than he's worth. I mean, it's worth! I'm sure it's an it this time! The team is composed of Deadshot, Harley, King Shark, Yo Yo and one more jerk.

Goddammit! Didn't I just get done saying how stupid it is that nobody stays dead even in this comic book?! I think the only person actually killed so far in this thing was Lime Light! And she'll probably come back after this mission is over!

The mission is to steal something from the Chang Gang and kill their leader, Red Orchid. Otherwise known as Yo Yo's sister! Is that how Yo Yo is going to earn his comrades' respect? By killing his own sister? Enh, works for me!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: No change. I seriously considered dropping it a few ranks due to that fight scene between Grey Lora and Harley Quinn. Ugh. Painful. Be glad I glossed over the horrible dialogue. And I also thought it should drop a rank for bringing back Voltaic. But he has been brought back brain dead (or close to it), so that's okay. Maybe. But I like that Yo Yo is back and a member of the team. Oh! I also didn't like Harley and Deadshot whispering to avoid Amanda hearing them when the bugs are right on their own bodies. That was pretty stupid.

You know what? On second thought, let me do that rating thing over!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is about killing characters not about creating a Resurrection Potion to keep them alive so they can be rekilled over and over again! It's like this comic book was castrated. The whole fun of this comic is feeding B-list characters a bullet! Also, I'm still upset that Adam Glass killed Lime instead of Light. What a fucking missed opportunity to have a super villain running around named Lime. Makes no Goddamn sense! Which is why it would be beautiful!