The Phantom Stranger #3

The original Doctor Thirteen did.

Last issue ended with The Phantom Stranger being strung up in a noose by The Haunted Highwayman. Of course this can't happen without The Phantom Stranger having a stray thought or two about how this was how he first died.

This panel gives me hope for this series.

In my mind, this story about The Phantom Stranger paying for the crime of betraying Jesus Christ by doing God's work has been bullshit from issue one. But this scene! Ah, this scene! It makes it all so much better! Judas hangs himself because he's completely guilt-ridden over what he has done. He believes he's done something so horrible that he can never be forgiven and in his crazed and desperate state, he kills himself. It is the only sign of repentance he can think of that can equal the staggering evil of his crime against the world. And so, he dies hanging from his tree.

And then this panel. Perhaps (and, of course, most likely) I'm painting it with my own bias and beliefs. But Judas says here that after he died, he did not deliver his "act of contrition." Perhaps he simply means he wasn't given the chance to deliver it to the steps of heaven because he wasn't allowed to completely die. But I prefer to read this another way. Perhaps he realized, when he looked upon the face of God, the truth of what had just happened and refused to feel guilty anymore. He takes back his act of contrition when he realizes he was used by Jesus and God to fulfill the events that needed to happen for Jesus's word to spread across the globe. And in his sudden refusal to feel bad about killing Jesus, God becomes exceedingly wrathful. Look at God's face in this panel. Doesn't he look angry? And that anger at Judas's refusal to be sorry is why he punished The Phantom Stranger to walk the Earth for all time. God wants The Phantom Stranger to repent not of the act of killing Christ but the act of not being sorry for it.

That's what I choose to believe this story is about. This also makes The Phantom Stranger a much more interesting and sympathetic character. It sets up a great story underneath the story of The Stranger doing The Font in the Sky's will where The Stranger is seeking a way to rebel and pervert his mission. The story then becomes not about The Phantom Stranger's redemption but his revenge and escape from the bonds of unjust punishment.

But getting back to the more mundane comic book action part of his comic book, The Haunted Highwayman becomes frustrated that his burning hangman's noose has no effect on The Phantom Stranger. He tries to choke The Phantom Stranger but is burned by The Stranger's cloak which is full of Jesus dander. Most evil is, of course, extremely allergic to Jesus.

"It's seersucker! Because, um, you know? It seers suckers? No? Fine, it's aba, okay? Jesus Christ, lighten up, Mr. Highwayman."

Luckily the Haunted Highwayman is a complete and utter idiot. Dawn is approaching and so he must head back to his "unholy resting place" (Motel Six). He hasn't been battling The Phantom Stranger for hours so it can only mean that he attacked Terrence Thirteen about fifteen minutes before he had to leave. That's pretty stupid in my book. Perhaps The Haunted Highwayman only just found him this night and figured this would be a quick and easy job. That's a slim possibility that I'm not willing to give any actual credence to because I'd rather believe The Haunted Highwayman is incompetent.

The Phantom Stranger is released from the noose as the Highwayman flees. And just in time, as The Stranger feels himself about to lose consciousness. I can't imagine he could have been killed so easily since The Font in the Sky probably isn't going to let him out of his job so easily. As The Stranger tries to catch his breath, he begins to hallucinate.

I guess The Font in the Sky can also manifest as a Scottish Terrier doing a Shrek impersonation.

This young Terrence Thirteen tells The Phantom Stranger his family's history and connection to The Haunted Highwayman. That whole story can be read in All Star Western #11 and #12. The editor's note that reminded me in which issues that story took place called the comic "All-Star Western." With the dash, see? That's wrong, you stupid jackass! Even in the simplest of moments, DC's editors can't get anything right. Who Edits the Editors?! Man, now I feel like Rorschach.

Anyway, this young Thirteen says the original Terrence Thirteen eventually encountered the vengeful spirit of The Haunted Highwayman and defeated it. Come now! More on that story! That's not the meat of the story now, is it? The real meat of that story is that the original Dr. Thirteen didn't believe in the paranormal and spent his life debunking it. So what happened when he actually encountered and defeated an actual ghost? Or demon? Or unholy man on horseback, anyway? It sounds like one of those stories that some hack writer came up with years later that just fucking ruins everything about this character. Sort of like when Scooby Doo began dealing with real ghosts. That just fucked up the whole point of the show! The show was about logic triumphing over superstition and kids sorting through the bullshit and nonsense showered on them every day by adults. So if Dr. Thirteen finally did meet a paranormal creature, that means his entire life up to that point was based merely on luck that each of his cases didn't happen to be evil or demonic or undead or godly or supernatural! So the real story is: How did the fucking Doctor react to this knowledge that his entire life was based on his logical and rational yet seemingly incorrect assumptions?

The Phantom Stranger realizes this is a matter between Terrence Thirteen's descendants and The Haunted Highwayman and therefore none of his business. Like the supreme douchebag he is, The Phantom Stranger tells Thirteen to deal with it himself. He has more important matters to attend to. But I'm pretty sure The Haunted Highwayman isn't going to leave The Phantom Stranger alone. If he held a grudge so badly against one man that he came back to life as a flaming demon (and got his horse to come back as well!) so that he could kill every single member of that man's bloodline, he isn't going to let The Phantom Stranger off the hook when he burned him with his cloak full of Jesus germs.

Later, The Phantom Stranger as Phil goes to a party with his wife so he can enjoy some human drama for a change. Philip's neighbor Henry is going to Thailand for six months to build condos and is upset at having to leave his family for so long. The conversation they have is a nice scene that makes me like The Phantom Stranger a little bit more while despising his neighbor for his wretched normality.

Henry's problem and Philip's solution.

Henry begins the conversation with a flawed premise that probably brings more despair than joy to people in the world. Nobody is here for a reason. A few people who believe that will stumble into positions and opportunities in their lives that make that seem true, therefore they'll believe it wholeheartedly about everyone. "If I could find my purpose, everyone can!" Some people will live the life they want to live and find purpose somewhere in that, thus making it seem true as well. "My children are my purpose." But many people will live their entire lives feeling that they never quite lived to their potential or discovered the thing they were put on Earth to do. Because there isn't one. Whatever you choose to fucking do is the only purpose you need. There isn't any overarching meaning to your random placement in space and time. You're here on Earth because the Earth happens to be in the perfect place in space to support life and happens to be in a solar system with a moon and some gas giants that have probably protected the Earth for enough time for complex life to evolve. Henry, you are right about one thing: the entirety of the universe did not spring up so that you coud "build condos in Thailand." But it also didn't spring up simply so you could "spend time with your family."

The Stranger's response, on the other hand, is perfect. If you don't want to do something, don't fucking do it.

Henry's argument against going and Philip's response.

Now Henry laments the trap he's in. Life has conspired against him. He can't do the thing he most wants to do. The trap he's in is believing that the past is accumulated stuff that you have to weigh against future choices. To Henry, not going means losing all the time he's spent at his current job. But that time doesn't exist anymore. That time is not a real thing. The only thing he's losing by going is his future time which he'd rather spend with his family. That actually exists. Forget the past because it's garbage. It's gone. It is not a thing to put on a shelf and cherish. If you want to stay, stay.

Philip's response, once again, I agree with completely. People love to put up pretend barriers which force them into doing things they'd rather not do. But this is your life. It is not your employer's life. It is not your debt's life. It is not your parents' life. It is not society's life. It's yours. This doesn't mean there won't be obstacles in the way of the goals you want to achieve. Making a choice doesn't mean it will work out for you. Happiness and success aren't guaranteed. And many times there may be real and very serious dangers and impediments to the life you want to live. Making those choices that put your life in danger take even more strength than most people have (including me, probably! I'm no fucking Gandhi!). But this conversation is not anywhere close to that. This is pretending that other things are keeping Henry from making the choices to try and live for the life he desires and it's simply a sad delusion.

Henry's real motivation and why the entire conversation was just masturbatory bullshit anyway.

And then the real reason I eventually found myself disgusted with Henry. Not that he wants the money. Six figures for six months sounds like a great opportunity to set himself to do the things he wants to with his family for a long time. What disgusts me is his need to rationalize the decision to leave his family for six months simply for money. "It's other people that made this choice!" He's not asking Philip for any actual help with this decision. It's already been made. But he needs someone to bear witness to his agony over the decision to leave his family. The need to expunge his guilt. And it's a guilt that he doesn't even need to have! Henry. Do what you need to do already and shut up about it.

My problem with Henry's attitude here doesn't mean I have a problem with this scene! I think this is a great moment (as you can probably tell by my going on at length about it) since The Phantom Stranger understands guilt. He gets guilt. And this scene isn't about Henry's problem anyway. It's all metaphor for The Stranger's past. The Stranger probably just wants to say, "Henry, I understand how guilty you feel leaving your family for six months to earn six figures. I killed Christ for 30 pieces of silver. Our problems are nearly identical. You blame your work for forcing you to go. I blame this guy Pontius and Rome and the Pharisees for putting me in the position they put me in. I get it, man. I truly do." And so Phil's answers to Henry's problems are also things he might have said to himself back in Gethsemane.

Philip's good time and self-reflection are interrupted by a call from Terrence Thirteen. The Phantom Stranger packs it in and heads off to help Thirteen. Actually, he heads off to yell at Thirteen face to face but he obviously knows if he's there in person that he's going to have to end up saving Thirteen. It feels a little bit like saving face. "I didn't really want to be forced to help you but since I'm here yelling at you as the big flaming asshole arrives, I guess I can save your life."

But even now, The Phantom Stranger refuses to take part. Since it is a family matter, The Stranger decides that family should deal with it (he got this insight from Henry saying that they were practically family! It's like an episode of House!).

Does this mean Dr. Thirteen doesn't believe in himself? Shouldn't he disappear in a puff of logic?

Sorry! I made the assumption this was all paranormal! Obviously there is a rational and scientific answer behind it all! If only I were as smart as Mister Terrific so I could figure it out.

After the problem is solved and The Haunted Highwayman banished to whatever scientifically rational and logical place exists that is kind of like Hell, Terrence Thirteen tries to become The Phantom Stranger's sidekick. But The Stranger destroys Thirteen's lab and tells him to go fuck himself. I think that's almost exactly how Batman reacted to Tim Drake's request to be the next Robin, so Thirteen might be getting a sidekick gig in the near future!

The Phantom Stranger #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm not a fan of the art although the style seems to fit this comic book, so I can live with it. But the story, so far, is well-crafted and doesn't seem to be using the Judas identity as simply a hook. DiDio is weaving it into the motivations of the Stranger and the fabric of the story, and that's really nice to see. I'm looking forward to more of this even though I know it can all go way off track very, very quickly!