Superman #14

If I trusted DC Comic book covers to tell the truth, I'd be dancing on the table right now.

So there's this guy. His name is H'el and he claims to be from Krypton and he claims to have some kind of association with the House of El. Like maybe a third cousin twice removed. Is that a thing? Anyway, he's come to Earth to recruit a few other Kryptonians in his quest to save Krypton which was destroyed about 25 years ago. I could probably be more accurate with that since a recent Action Comics showed Superman in an observatory to watch Krypton explode but I don't want to dig that comic book out of the box. Especially since my fat cat is sitting on the box licking his ass.

But the recruiting isn't going so well (just look at the cover!). Instead H'el has a major case of Supergirl fever and is just making enemies with everyone he meets. Plus his pet Space Dragon was killed. That has to be pretty painful.

At first I thought that sound effect was "FAP FAP FAP" and assumed Lois had caught Clark masturbating.

Here's how Scott Lobdell begins Superman #14. There are, of course, six more Narration Boxes on the bottom half of this page. I won't repeat what I say every time I have to begin a Scott Lobdell comic book; you can look back in my archives and see that in a dozen other titles. But can you spot the gigantic mistake Lobdell committed here? Here, let me clear it up for you.

Ta-da!

Those weird white spermatozoa floating around Lois's head in that picture? That's Superman's X-ray vision at work. How exactly does Superman control x-rays so precisely? It's less like x-ray vision and more like making objects light penetrable so that he can see exactly what he wants to see. I think that might be magic!

Clark Kent decides to answer the door, probably because his super hearing can't take much more of her incessant knocking and her shrill, nagging voice. He lets her in and immediately walks her into his bedroom.

Why would she say that? Does she know Clark Kent is Superman? Is this a clue? Or is she simply surprised that Clark and Jimmy haven't sexed the bed up because they do seem to have a special connection. Now, I know why Clark responds the way he does. Fucking ice queen Lane.

Lois is here to try to get Clark his job back. Just like I figured she would try to do. Lois Lane thinks she can accomplish anything. If she just says the word, Morgan Edge will hire Clark back no problem. I'm not sure why she thinks Clark should be rehired though. I think it's because nobody else can seem to get close to Superman and Lois's nether regions just couldn't live without the occasional contact with Superman.

They did not rise through the ranks of The Planet together! Lies! Misconceptions! Lobdell sucks at knowing things! Clark Kent made a splash at the Daily Star which got him the job at The Daily Planet where Lois was already a fucking big shot.

I might be wrong about the above caption but you must remember that Lobdell could also be wrong about the above panel. And who do you trust more to know things? A narcissistic, arrogant asshole who constantly shits all over Scott Lobdell and points out how ignorant he is and what a terrible writer he is and how he's constantly fucking up The New 52's continuity? Or the terrible, ignorant writer that's always fucking up The New 52's continuity? Yeah! I know who I'd trust!

While Clark and Lois bicker about whether they're best friends or potential lovers, a surprise guest drops in. And before I reveal the super secret surprise guest that surprisingly doesn't punch Lois in the face, let me point out that the first sentence of this paragraph was misleading at most and a lie at the worst. Nobody actually even comes close to discussing romance. Clark sort of hints that his feelings were hurt that Lois is moving in with a guy and Lois explicitly and without any chance of incorrectly interpreting her words tells Clark that he is her best friend and that's all he's ever been and that's all he's ever going to be, so stop thinking about the pussy, asshole. Look at the end of that last sentence! That's how close the pussy actually is to the asshole! It's like the comma is the taint! Okay, now to reveal the "super" surprise guest whom you may have already guessed the identity of since I mentioned Lois was lucky not to get punched.

Luckily, and for some unknown reason, she asks for "Clark" instead of "Kal-el."

Superman takes Supergirl to the park to yell at her. It's at the park where Superman finally meets H'el. H'el explains that he was like a son to Jor-el and he was the first Kryptonite (Kryptonian? Kryptoner?) in space and he just recently landed on Earth and he has this extra Superboy that needs killing as well if, you know, nobody minds.

How does Superman know this? Oh wait. He doesn't know it since he got it all wrong. "Unmanned" space flight wasn't illegal at all. In fact, that's why clones were created. For technically "unmanned" space flight. Oh, did you perhaps mean "manned" space flight, you super douche?

Superman refuses to believe any of this because Superman knows nothing about Krypton therefore he knows better than Kara and H'el. To prove he's speaking the truth, H'el once again produces Superboy and offers to kill him in front of the Supercousins to prove that he's a good guy and he speaks the truth. Hey, it couldn't hurt, could it? Anyway, I'd like H'el more if he killed Superboy. I have a feeling Superman isn't going to allow that to happen though.

One other thing: H'el has lost the backwards "S" on his chest. He also wasn't sporting it in Supergirl #14. Did someone decide that this wasn't going to be Bizarro after all? Or did they decide that should come later after H'el ends up brain damaged and talking like a broken, confused, contradictory robot? Maybe H'el simply healed since his appearance in Superboy although I don't know what had scarred his chest in the first place. Probably Harvest.

Instead of letting H'el kill Superboy or stopping him in any constructive or diplomatic way at all, Superman punches H'el in the face. I sure would hate to see a Kryptonian family reunion. Haven't they ever heard of shaking hands or hugging? And thus the gigantic conflict begins!

Hey Supes! Remember what you just said here next time Batman tells you he doesn't trust you. Get it now?

Some more punches get thrown and as usually happens in comic books, the bad guy (H'el!) wipes the streets of Metropolis with Superman and Superboy. He also beats up Supergirl but he does it disguised as Superman so that Supergirl won't ever trust Superman again. This guy seems to have every power Lobdell can think of. Eventually he just flies off claiming that Superman sucks but he'll let him live in honor of Jor-el's memory. But he's determined to save Krypton with Supergirl's help. I guess since he has every single power ever thought of in the DC Universe, H'el has the ability to reverse time and resurrect Krypton and save it from destruction. I bet Lobdell will think of some fantastically idiotic method of doing this. Like maybe he'll set up some kind of mirror thirty light years from where Krypton exploded and bounce the light back in the direction of the exploded planet so that when it gets there, it will reincorporate the busted remains of the planet and everything will go back to being normal!

However Lobdell is going to manage it, it's going to be a fantastic suckfest of total bowel-ripping nonsense. And I'm looking forward to every moment of it!

Superman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. For those of you new to reading my commentaries, here's all you need to know: I hate the way Scott Lobdell writes.