Superboy #15

I fucking hope not!

Last issue, I wrote an unflattering commentary on Superboy (you know, like I do every month!). Here's one of the response I received from StripperNightwing (he likes to Role Play Nightwing as a Stripper and suck off other male superheroes like Superboy and Quicksilver (Totally ridiculous, right? Marvel and DC suck at crossovers! (I wonder if Quicksilver blows his load quickly?))):

Uh..okay tessatechaitea…lemme take some time to point out EVERYTHING that’s wrong with this post. You do realize that the entire thing is a contradiction right? If you hate this comic so much WHY ARE YOU STILL BUYING IT? It’s nobody’s fault but your own that your wasting your money on a comic that you don’t like. Stop being stupid now plz. Kthnx.

The way he emphasized EVERYTHING, I was sure he was going to go through my commentary point by point. He must have accidentally used the wrong word when he meant to say ONE THING. And then he claims this is a contradiction: I hate the comic but I still buy it. What is contradicting what? He also uses "your" when he meant "you're" but I'm actually going to let him slide on that one since I do it occasionally too. Sometimes the brain works a lot faster than the fingers and you change thoughts mid-sentence and forget to change a word that now winds up being wrong because your stupid fucking asshole brain went and changed up everything. Or just one thing! But I am going to point out that when you correct someone when they're making a joke and using hyperbole, you don't look smart. You look like a humorless asshole that completely missed the fucking joke. And then, worst of all, he asks me to stop being stupid! Dude! That's my whole fucking schtick! You want me to be serious? Well, hmm. I guess I could try going that way. I'll try EVERYTHING once!

Um, get your mouth off of that, strippernightwing. I meant that figuratively.

Okay, let me take a moment to wrap my head around not being stupid. I should probably stop pretending to not know things that I actually know just for a joke. I should drop the hyperbole since it's often misconstrued and taken as gospel. That's what happened when I blamed everyone else for my having to read Superboy. That was what really got me into hot water with Strippernightwing and fuckeminthefacequicksilver and ballsonyourchinsuperboy. I think I'm ready!

This comic book was written by Tom DeFalco who is a professional comic book writer who deserves respect for having a career. In his writing, he uses certain "patterns" and "motifs" which really cement the character in a thematic and consistent narrative structure. One of the ways he does this is by beginning every comic book with, "My name is Superboy." Superboy then goes on to explain how he was built by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon. But I have a feeling he's going to change that up this issue. Since Superboy has been unconscious (or semi-conscious, at the least) over the last few issues he's been in (Superboy #14, Supergirl #14, Superman #14. I guess he was conscious in Ravagers #6 and Teen Titans #14. Damn. He sure is in a lot of comic books!), I think Tom DeFalco is going to change up his opening page. It will still be a full splash page but I think it will be H'el saying, "My name is H'el." And then he'll describe who he is and where he came from.

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. If you're not going to try, neither am I. I'm going back to being stupid. kthnx.

Look at this mess! I don't think even Tom DeFalco knew where he was going when he began this page. Each month he begins his script with the "My name is Superboy" nonsense and then follows it up with the clone and living weapon spiel. DeFalco has proven to be such a crappy writer that I can't even give him credit for the turn of Superboy's thoughts even on a single page. People might argue that this was well-crafted to make the reader believe Superboy was declaring this all ends now because Superboy was going to rise up against everyone and declare himself to be his own man! But then the narrative turns at the end to take the reader by surprise! This isn't Superboy declaring he's had enough; this is Superboy realizing he's dying! Shocker!

But no. Tom DeFalco hasn't proven to me that he can write like that. So all I read here is that even Tom DeFalco fooled himself. He didn't know he was going to write the "I think I'm dying!" box at the end of this page! He probably just got near the end of this page and it came to him like a shot: "Oh! Wouldn't it be great if these were his DYING thoughts?!" Or maybe his editor had a talk with him.

Chris Conroy: "Um, hey, Tom. Have you been reading the other issues of this crossover? Yeah, Superboy's kind of getting his ass handed to him every issue. This sounds like he's about to jump up and beat the shit out of H'el. I don't think he's in any shape to..."
Tom DeFalco: "No no no! I haven't finished that page yet! Here, see: 'I think I'm dying!' See? That works, right?"
Chris Conroy: "Oh yeah! That's fantastic! Great! Superb job! Hey, have you seen Howard Mackie anywhere? I need to discuss his script for Ravagers #7. He simply handed me a folder with a bloody tampon inside of it."

While Superboy relaxes on a taxi thinking the longest, most boring dying thoughts anyone has ever though (probably! I haven't been privy to ALL of them!), Superman is off confronting H'el in a part of Metropolis I've never heard of: Suicide Slum. I thought H'el took off at the end of Superman #14 plus their dialogue sounds awfully familiar! So I dig Superman #14 out of the comic book box and realize this scene is exactly the same as the last page of Superman #14 except drawn differently. A little confusing but I don't mind. H'el zips away faster than Superman can follow. Superman has more immediate problems anyway. He hears the EMTs saying that Superboy's vitals are crashing! Ha ha! I know what "vitals" are! They're his testicles!

Superman flies Superboy off to his Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic. Hey, good job, Tom DeFalco! You got that right! Don't say I never congratulated you for a job well done. Superman thinks he can keep Superboy from dying somehow. And for a dying bastard, Superboy can't fucking shut up!

"A little too arrogant and reckless for my tastes!" Is that a joke? Does the exclamation point mean Superboy meant that as a joke? Should I excuse Tom DeFalco's inappropriate humor because Superboy is delusional and dying? Oh wait! He's not done Narration Boxing!

Why is this bullshit inner monologue important? I am so mad at Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina right now!

Hey wait! Even Chris Conroy gets in on the over explaining!

Thanks, Chris! Can't expect comic book fans to think for themselves! Although I figured it had something to do with Superboy's tactile telekinesis and Superman's ball sweat.

Superman sticks Superboy in some kind of diagnostic chair that indicates Superboy is suffering massive trauma to his genes. Fuck you, that's what the comic book said! You want to read it yourself, you're welcome to!

Superboy: "Ow! The color of my hair is really hurting! And my left-handedness is bleeding profusely! OH MY GOD! My Kryptonian propensity for punching people in the face when I first meet them is rupturing!"

Superman is better at me at the medicine so he gets down to business and uses his microscopic vision to check out Superboy's DNA. What he finds is truly of Coast to Coast AM proportions!

I would say this was silly if it weren't for so many people believing adding a new strand of DNA is some kind of super spiritual evolution. They're silly! And if you Google this shit and find articles on Alfie Clamp having three strands of DNA, those people have no reading comprehension whatsoever.

 

My guess is that Tom DeFalco decided that by giving Superboy three stranded DNA, that would mean he has three gene donors. That way we can have even more surprises about who and what Superboy is! And since he was a clone created in a lab, I'm going to fucking have to allow it, aren't I? Forget genes and chromosones and the way information is encoded in two stranded DNA that would make absolutely no fucking sense if you shoved a third strand in there. Like a GPS device, does the DNA just recalculate when it realizes a third strand has been added? So a strand of DNA that holds the information on how the brain is created gets a new strand of DNA shoved in. The first two strands separate long enough so they can all hook up in various ways. Now you have a new piece of DNA and Superboy has no brain!

Granted, I actually don't know anything about genetics except that there are smooth peas and wrinkled peas. And I'm pretty sure I nailed why this is all bullshit although I don't have a degree on my wall to prove that I know what I'm talking about. Well, I have a Literature Degree but I don't think that's stellar proof that I understand genes! But you know what? I'm going to accept this information without any more whining and moping and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. Superboy has three parents! That's exciting!

Meanwhile in Supergirl's Sanctuary of Underwaterness:

What the fuck happened to his scar? Was he meant to be Bizarro and then editorial said, "No, no. Fuck that! We'll take off the scar in the trades later."

So they're having their little who is sexier party, Superboy's condition and the science behind it continues to get worse.

This is no time for petty jealousies, Dr. Veritatas!

So Superboy has DNA comprised of a triple helix and each strand is completely different. But apparently the proteins still have matches in the alien strands. That's either a major coincidence or Kryptonian DNA and the unidentified DNA are simply Human DNA but they're different colors or fuzzy or some other aesthetic difference which identifies them as non-human. Or else Tom Defalco was thinking that Superboy has twenty two trios of chromosomes. I'm saying twenty two because given his standard male features, he probably simply has an XY pair of sex chromosomes.

But I don't care, remember! However the science works, it means Superboy has a Kryptonian Father and a Human Father and an unclassified Mother! I'm so psyched to find out the answer to this mystery. And the way Tom DeFalco reveals answers to the secrets in his comic books, we'll be told somewhere in 2021!

Now if only Superman had some way to halt the rapid decay of Superboy's DNA! And if only there had been some clue as to how he might do it? Hmm.

Superman takes off his suit because it did something to his DNA a long time ago when he was just an idealistic kid. He sticks it on Superboy because when you've got a patient that you don't know how to cure, you might as well try any random thing. That's how they do it in the hospital.

Nurse: "What's wrong with this patient, Doctor?"
Doctor: "His genes are hurt. I'm not sure how to fix it."
Nurse: "Maybe if you play "Louie, Louie" on this trombone?"
Doctor: "It couldn't hurt! I mean, it could. But it could be the cure too! We won't know until we try!"
Nurse: "Maybe I should put my penis in the patient's mouth while you play? You think?"
Doctor: "Why not!? That always gives me a lift! Now everybody blow!"

The operation is a success! Superboy jumps up from the table in full Superman gear but his tactile telekinesis is gone! That must come from the unclassified DNA which the Super Suit hasn't bothered stabilizing. Superman also has 1/3 of the revelation that won't be fully revealed until 2021.

Oh my God what a surprise revelation! It's so expected that I think Superman is probably wrong. He could be Supergirl's clone. Or Jor-el's clone. Or Martha Wayne-el's clone (I forgot Superman's mother's name. It probably started with an "L" like all the women in his life).

After the usual fisticuffs between the two good guys, they settle their differences and get ready to track H'el. But that's not necessary! He shows up just at that moment to pummel them both and fling them out of the Fortress of Solitude. This guy is the most powerful creature since Helspont. Or was it Darkseid? Or maybe the Court of Owls' Talons. Or the Third Army? Or Harvest? Or every other fucking villain when first encountered by a super hero? I'm sure H'el will become much less powerful in a few more issues of this crossover.

Superboy #15 Rating: No change. This was just one long issue of Superboy recovering from his injuries. DeFalco did reveal that one part of Superboy's DNA was from Superman but then he added a third strand of DNA, so we're back in the same boat of ignorance! We still don't know two of Superboy's gene donors! This really is a horrible, horrible comic book. Why does it tie in to so many other comics? Legion Lost. Ravagers. Teen Titans. Superman. Supergirl. If he'd just stay out of Supergirl's comic book, I wouldn't mind him tainting the other titles. He can't do much more damage in those.