Detective Comics #15

I think I'm tired of this cover!

Last issue Poison Ivy proved to everyone that Katana isn't as accurate with her sword as she makes herself out to be. She also proved she loves big, sculpted, malleable dicks. That's why she married Clayface! Because he has and is one both! I just added that last sentence so all the people making their own jokes could see that I meant for that statement to encompass both meanings of dick. And even more meanings of dick if there are any more!

The Penguin's goons decide to bury Poison Ivy alive instead of killing her. Now, I seem to remember Ogilvy saying the boss wanted Poison Ivy dead. And I think planting Poison Ivy in the ground is a far cry from blowing her brains out against one of Gotham's poorly constructed walls. Ogilvy really isn't too smart to live in Gotham, is he? He's going to make it big here someday seeing as how stupid he is! Putting Poison Ivy in the ground is like gently setting a plant in a pot and packing it firmly (but not too firmly!) with potting soil and nutrients, watering it carefully and giving it a nice warm ledge on the kitchen window. That's pretty much the opposite of making something dead!

Oh stop playing the damsel in distress! Just make like the beginning of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show and sprout the fuck up out of the ground already.

One few weeks ago, Poison Ivy and Clayface went on a month long crime spree. Priot to that Poison Ivy married Clayface in Las Vegas. Prior to that she had to break him out of Arkham which was impossible. Prior to that she had to resurrect herself after having been killed by Katana. Now months after she was killed, somebody finally put her in a hole in the ground and her husband is pissed.

What is it with everyone and blood smears lately? Is Clayface possessed by Father Lost too?

Oh give it a rest!

Clayface is not possessed by Father Lost but he is being controlled by Poison Ivy. So maybe a person's obsession with turning another person into a bloody smear is a surefire way to know that someone is being mind controlled!

Back at the Iceberg Casino, Ogilvy checks in with the Penguin to report that Poison Ivy has been taken care of. And they both show why they're so spectacularly successful in Gotham City! It's because they're dumb as fucking rocks.

Poison Ivy is both an animal and a plant! She provides her own oxygen and her own carbon dioxide. Dumb dumbs!

The Penguin is too busy to think about how Poison Ivy can't suffocate in an airtight container because he needs to get ready for The Joker's party. He's so nervous he can't even speak correctly.

Oh Ogilvy. You just became too smart for Gotham. Well, it was good getting to know you.

Batman does his detective thing after he escapes from the clutches of Clayface. He discovers that Clayface has only been out of Arkham for a week and that he hasn't been on any crime spree and he hasn't been to Las Vegas and he has not once set foot in Poison Ivy's private garden. You know what garden I'm talking about! It's the one located next to her septic tank. During he's research, I think he's about to reveal what happened to Poison Ivy when she was killed by Katana!

Yes, yes. Since her incident with the Birds of Prey--when she was killed? Is that what you're going to say, Batman?!

Oh, fuck you. What about the incident when they got back? The one involving the Japanese sword and the Japanese sword she wields!

Batman doesn't really give a shit about the mysteries I give a shit about! He's currently invested in finding out how Clayface is being manipulated. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, Clayface doesn't usually run around with flowers sprouting out of his grit. But Batman has to know for sure. He has to know what plant is being used. He has to know where the plant is from. He has to know the right growing conditions for it to flourish. He has to know what it feels like to rub it up along the inside of his scrotum while Alfred slides the bat dildo up his ass. He has to know if it makes a good pizza topping. He has to know every fucking thing about it before he does what he was going to do no matter what he learned about the flower: bathe Clayface in herbicides and napalm. Come on, Batman! Everybody knew that was what you were going to resort to.

Batman then has to explain to Clayface how the happiest month of Clayface's life was a total sham.

Yeah, imagine because you certainly aren't going to ever experience it, you mud sack.

After I get back from imagining what Poison Ivy could do with a man and a plant, I have to read about Batman feeling bad because he didn't realize Clayface was capable of a broken heart. How fucking patronizing, Batman! Just because he's a big, disgusting, smelly, rotten-toothed mess of a lump of dirt, you didn't think he was capable of feeling love? Those kinds of wrecks are the worst when it comes to falling in love! He probably falls in love with every single woman that's ever nice to him. I see you smirking, you Bat Jerk! You love doing...oh hey! Has anyone seen the object of affection lately?

There she is! Ogilvy is digging her up because he knew all along about plants and oxygen and reciprocation and hand jobs.

Oh Ogilvy! My, er um, you little schemer you! p.s.iloveyou!

Those dashes after Ignatius Ogilvy's name lead into the most groaner inducing splash page I've ever seen in all my many, many years of reading comic books. I'm going to scan that page but I'm warning you: Do not read it if you're easily nauseated. Do not read it if you're pregnant. Do not read it if you're taking medication to thin your blood. Do not read the following panel if you have any respect for yourself at all. Are you ready?

Are you sure? I'm serious about this warning! You can't come back from this!

You're still in for this, hunh? You think you're a tough guy, right? "Oh, it's just a fucking character name reveal! I've seen hundreds of those! No way this is as bad as a Plastic Man comic book or any Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew pun-filled dialogue. Bring it on!"

Okay. Fine. But by reading this next page, you're acknowledging that you're the type of person eager and willing to have sex on the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Okay. Maybe after that lead up it wasn't so bad. But that lead up was like body armor! I took that shot straight to the face!

The back-up story stars Clayface pouting in the sewers. Yeah, that big lug was in love. He had it bad!

Hey Tumblrites! Ship this! What are you going to tag this one? ClayIvy? Or PoisonFace!

Clayface sits in the sewers reminiscing about how he fell in love with Poison Ivy by reading her letters but mostly because of the seeds included in the letters that grew in his clay and made him open to suggestion and caused him to hallucinate. He decides to meet Poison Ivy later at their rendezvous point.

Does that question mark on the end of FIN indicate rape? Or impotence?

Detective Comics #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aw shit. I enjoyed reading this comic book. I also really like Ogilvy. Although he almost lost me when he dropped that Emperor Penguin line. So corny, sir! But what I really liked was the pathos in the Clayface story. The poor, pitiful, woman-abusing bastard.