Batman #14

The cover is one of those joke covers because this is The Joker. "The Joker's back."

Last issue ended with Batman trapped inside a giant vat in an ACE Chemicals warehouse. It was filling with chemicals, Harley was skedaddling, and Batman was about to die. How do real comic book reviewers review this issue without spoiling that cliffhanger? I guess it's okay to spoil the cliffhanger left over from the last issue or else you can't really review the comic book. Although I've seen plenty of reviews that purport not to spoil the plot of a new comic but that actually just means they won't spoil the last page. Anything else is fair game! But I don't know why anybody would want to discuss a comic book without actually talking about the comic book. Then it's all vagaries and bullshit and "it was awesomes" and "it made me laughs" and "the art was specataculars." I wrote movie reviews for awhile and spoiled the fuck out of every single one. Because I actually wanted to talk about the movies! Those (as well as these comic book commentaries) are really meant for people who have already partook of the entertainment. They're not about getting people to see a certain movie or read a certain comic book. They're about seeing someone else's take on it.

Or perhaps seeing that other people understood it the way you did.

Or maybe it's just about being as stupid as I possibly can be.

Although I think it's really just to pass the time in a way that allows me to forget that death is nipping at my heels.

One of those. Anyway, here come the spoilers!

Batman survives!

Now that I've just spent an hour rereading my hilarious movie reviews from twelve years ago, I'll get back to reading Batman.

Remember how last issue ended with Alfred opening the door and being attacked by The Joker? This made me suspect that maybe The Joker knew that Batman was Bruce Wayne and then that jerk Scott Lobdell's Jason Todd as Robin story might make a little bit of sense (even though it doesn't and it's the dumbest thing I've ever read). But this next page clears that up and leaves me relieved to know that Scott Lobdell still sucks.

Even Scott Snyder's Batman book isn't immune to errors. Stupid jerks! Unless the ammonia Joker used is called "with ammonia." Then I'm sorry for calling everyone a jerk.

I don't really think the creative team of Batman are jerks! I just had to say that it doesn't look like I'm biased against Howard Mackie.

Anyway, according to this page, The Joker doesn't know Bruce Wayne is Batman. And according to Legends of the Dark Knight #2, The Joker doesn't know Bruce Wayne is Batman. I'm sure fans on the side of the debate that The Joker does know but he doesn't care will have their arguments against this page and why The Joker is pretending not to know. But that's just ignoring any evidence that goes against their stated case. Especially if their stated case is based on evidence from the Preboot universe. According to all stories in The New 52, The Joker doesn't know Batman's identity.

Later Batman goes to see Jim Gordon and make sure he's safe. But remember that thing about The Joker always poisoning people before he makes an appearance? Yes. Jim Gordon collapses in Batman's arms bleeding from every orifice. Probably every orifice. I made an assumption with the orifice thing since he was wearing pajamas.

Gordon ends up in stable condition and in a protected hospital room. Batman wanted him off the streets and under protection anyway so maybe Batman poisoned him. Batman was worried about him enough to point a gun at him. Batman! With a gun! Boy, The Joker really has him knocked for a loop with this one. And it's easy to tell why.

Dick is the only member of the family being told Alfred has been kidnapped.

And then Dick and Bruce have a little chat about whether or not The Joker knows Batman's identity. And the scene leaves it ambiguous enough for the "Joker Knows" fans to cling to their beliefs with the hope and loud-mouthery of the true know-it-all.

The thing Batman isn't telling Dick which he finally tells Dick is not about The Joker but it's told in such a way that it makes it sound like that wasn't the thing Bruce isn't telling Dick. If you know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is The Joker knows side of the argument is absolutely kept alive with Batman's odd response.

What Batman tells Dick is that he knows where the Joker is going next. He'll be at the Gotham Reservoir poisoning the water. Again. Dick heads to the Aqueduct while Batman heads to the reservoir to confront The Joker at the place where they first really got to know each other.

Oh! Another thing I wanted to say about Alfred being captured. The whole reason for secret identities is to keep loved ones safe. So Batman being as public as he's been with Bruce Wayne as his financial backer seems completely counter to the whole secret identity thing. They're practically partners so why don't more people simply go after Bruce Wayne or his loved ones. And since his only loved one is Alfred (if you discount all the women he's always fucking), Alfred was bound to become collateral damage.

At the reservoir, Batman and The Joker finally meet. I would have said come face to face but The Joker makes that joke himself by tacking another "to face" to it. And Joker tells Batman that he's already taken care of everything so that they can simply enjoy each other's company.

Pay careful attention to that last bit. The Batman's first encounter with The Joker taught Batman how profitable fighting criminals could be. If Bruce Wayne had owned that poor real estate, he could make thousands by renovating now that the squalid and poverty stricken were removed by upgrading and getting a wealthier crowd!

Batman overreacts and loses his cool. That's the problem with caring. The madman is always going to have the upper hand simply because he doesn't care. Batman becomes ensnared in a suitably Jokery trap so that The Joker can deliver some bad news to The Batman and his entire family who are, presumably, listening over the police wire since Batman sent out the alert to them all to be careful of The Joker.

Is this where I apologize to all the mouthbreathers for calling them "know-it-alls"?

This still doesn't make Scott Lobdell's Joker story any less insane since you still have to believe that The Joker controls every fucking thing in the universe to make a plan like that come off. Not even Harvest is that good! Maybe I'd believe it if Lex Luthor planned it.

But does The Joker really know who they all are? How would he have obtained the information? I guess if he truly knows The Batman like he believes he does, moving from the knowledge that Batman is Bruce Wayne to Nightwing is Dick Grayson isn't that much of a leap. And so on down the list of Robins. But does he really know or is this a crazy, insane gambit? Perhaps the next page will make it absolutely clear!

It doesn't make it clear at all! In fact, it obfuscates it once again back the other way with Batman's response!

Since this issue's main story is over, perhaps we'll learn The Joker knows their true identities in Batgirl #14. Especially since he emphasized Gordon's daughter, although that could just have been because he shot her in the spine.

The back-up story is about The Joker coercing The Penguin to take part in the party he's planning for the Bat-family. The Penguin accepts the invitation. See you all there!

Batman #14 Rating: + 0.25 Ranking! I've decided to begin doing partial ratings at the upper and lower ends to differentiate the best and the worst better. And this was another fantastic Batman book. It looks like the various crossovers will involve The Joker capturing each member of The Bat-family so they can attend his special party. It's going to be a riot. Or maybe a blast. Or perhaps bloodbath is the word I'm looking for.