Batgirl Annual #1

Whips. Latex. Three women fighting. This looks like the best Annual ever!

Dear Diary,

Why the heck am I up at 3 in the morning writing a new entry in you? Well I'll tell you why! I had a surprise dream that I totally wasn't even expecting to have! And it seemed kind of important, like if people didn't really know me that well, they might seem kind of interested in it and decide they want to know more about me. But then it also felt like the people who love me and really like to make sure I'm okay month after month wouldn't be that interested in it. But it was a pretty erotic dream, so I figure I should write it down! Catwoman was even there! That whore!

So it started out in the slums of Gotham City like most of my dreams. Hey, don't judge me, diary! I spend a lot of time there, fighting crime and increasing property values. In my dream, I'm looking over some buildings and I'm telling the story to someone I can't quite see. It's sort of a vague image of a person or maybe a couple people, possibly thousands of people. They're hanging on my every word so I try to be funny, you know, to get them on my side early!

That was funny, right? Was it? If it wasn't, blame my stupid dream head.

I'm looking down at all of these buildings from outside myself, assessing the situation. Six buildings on fire. Two blackouts. A bunch of thugs needing some facial reconstruction. And then I'm me again and I'm standing there in the thick of the fight, fire swirling all around me. I've got my grim face on and I think to myself, "Karma? Who needs fiskin' Karma?" Hmm, that's not right. I don't remember exactly what my dream-self thought but it was probably full of drama with maybe a super witty pun thrown in as well.

Turns out, these guys I'm fighting are just some homeless guys roped into burning a bunch of buildings. Sounds like insurance fraud! Or maybe the building owner is tired of the low rents in the slums and decided to burn down his buildings so he can rebuild some swanky ass swank condos with through the roof rents. Funny how in my dream world, I actually think some property is owned by someone other than Bruce Wayne!

Okay, let me backtrack a second! At this point in the dream, I didn't know it was a dream. But thinking back on it, I should have realized because of how goofy everything was. You know how dreams are? You're running around town looking desperately for a lost cat or something and the entire time, you're playing soccer with kobolds and flirting with the mailman. But it all seems to make sense until you find the cat and you call it "Boo boo" and you stop and think, "I don't own a cat!" And then you realize you're dreaming and you wake up almost instantly. Well, in this dream, I was fighting homeless people in a burning building until I told them to just knock it off. And they did just that!

Gah! So embarrassing. My hair was just awful in that dream.

And then the baby comes out of nowhere! Seriously? So the homeless guys leave and I save a mother and her baby. Now with six buildings burning, you'd think I'd be concerned about all of the other tenants, right? Well not tonight! Tonight I decided to take a six month old baby and her mother and dive through a plate glass window to the streets below! And right when I smashed through the window, I suddenly knew that Catwoman was watching me and she didn't flicking like me at all! In my own dream! Dick!

And then suddenly I'm Catwoman and I'm breaking the mute Talon I Batgirl met a few months ago out of jail. This is weird because I'm Catwoman and my boobs are flippin' gynormous (that's a pun!) although the weirdest part is that this Talon wasn't sent to Blackgate to be put on ice like all the rest of them. My brain really thinks Batman would slip up that badly? And I always thought I thought he could do no wrong. I mean, now that I'm awake I think that! But I apparently don't actually think that. Unless I'm reading too much into my dream. Really it's just all random bullpoop.

I had this dream one time where I could see a bleak and desolate landscape, smoke roiling out of volcanoes and dark thunderclouds covering the sky. Lightning flashes lit up more barren mountains. It was very cinematic. And then in a deep, calm voice, a narrator said, "Obviously, the dwarves won." Seriously? WTF, amirite?

Anywhats, back to my current dream! I break this Court of Owl's Talon out of jail as Catwoman (by the way, this Talon looks nothing like the poor little thing I defeated months ago), and then I'm back in my own hot little body looking for clues by visiting Rickey, the one-legged car thief! We're in an alley in the slums and, well, I've been kind of lonely and a little bit horny lately. So I'm not surprised the direction this dream went. Can I leave it at that, Diary?

I swear this is as far as we went!

So then out of nowhere, some weird old guy in glasses shows up with the answers I've been seeking. Talk about convenient! I'm like, "Arrr! Homeless people! Who sent you?!" And he's all, "Miss Bat! Miss Bat! I have the answers you seek!" And I'm like, "What? Oh! Okay! Cool beans!"

And just like that, I know where to look! I really should have realized it was a dream at this point! The flippin' wise old man shows up with an answer after I've been spending months and months dealing with female antagonists that always have some sort connection to a problem or issue in my own life? Hello? Wrestling with my Anima for the last year? I know, I know! It's weird that I'm not wrestling with my Animus but it makes sense, right? I'm like totally acting masculine all the time by following the Batboys around emulating their derring-do and punching people in the face and acting as if I had a couple of orbs secreting testosterone all up in my shit. But this dream with the wise old man with the ready answers is a good thing! It means I'm moving past some of my issues! I'm incorporating the different aspects of myself and becoming a stronger individual! I just hope nothing traumatic happens in the next week that could really set me back!

So back to the dream, the old man sends me to the guy behind the homeless person arson plot: Mr. Parsons! Yeah, you would think the reveal would be more dramatic but that's fruitin' dreams for you! I suppose the dream just decided the name "Parson" was sort of like the Person behind the Arson or something. Or maybe I was just thinking of my old martial arts instructor. So I get up on the roof and I'm watching for weird crap and guess who shows up?

All of a sudden this dream just entered fairy tale territory.

As I'm eavesdropping outside, Catwoman tells Parsons to go fuck himself or whore words to that effect. Unless it's affect. What do I care? This is my diary and if some grammar jerk is currently reading it, that's way worse than using the wrong word in the wrong place! I secretly admired Catwoman for standing up to this guy but it may have been the wrong move. Because he gets the Talon to turn on her! So I break in and save the day! Hooray Batgirl!

Boo Mr. Parsons!

And then I wet myself as four more Talons appear and sentence Catwoman to die. Sure, I probably could have gotten out of there since they didn't sentence ME to die! But what kind of a dream warrior would I be if I did that?

Speaking of wetting myself! I hate when I'm dreaming and I have to pee and the dream keeps getting interrupted over and over again as I find a place to tinkle. And then I tinkle (in my dream!) and try to go back to the dream but since I didn't really piddle, the feeling comes back and I have to interrupt the dream to wander off to find a place to pee again! That's so annoying!

Back to the fight, Catwoman and I are losing big time. Hey! It's four frickin' Talons against two itty bitty super hot and sexy girls! But luckily, my dream mind believes that I somehow researched who the Talon was that I fought! Crazy, right? Like I had any leads or anything! But in my dream, I knew exactly who she was and that her family had all been burned alive in Hiroshima (unless her family was killed by a Japanese Balloon Bomb in the Northwest many years later. That part of the dream was a bit fuzzy!). Anyway, her family was burned! So then Catwoman (being me at the same time that I was also Batgirl me!) says, "Yeah, dumby!" which I totally do not approve of even if my dream self did snicker a little bit. And so the Talon turns on the other Talons and saves our lives! Only to be betrayed by the guy she betrayed that betrayed Catwoman earlier! Yeah, yeah. I have some subconscious issues with betrayal that need to be dealt with.

Ha ha! Liquid Nitrogen filled bullets! I can't believe I didn't wake up laughing at this! My head is so filled with nonsense!

And then everything stops so the guy can answer his cell phone. After I woke up, I checked my cell phone. And I had a missed call from Alysia just a few minutes before I woke up! So I heard my phone ring while sleeping and Mr. Parsons answers his phone in the middle of the dream at the weirdest moment! And the call ends up being from some mystery Court of Owls person that tells Mr. Parsons to shoot himself in the head! And just like that, we won!

But the police were on the way and Catwoman had to get out or she was in big trouble. But she wouldn't leave the Talon for the authorities. She decided she would distract the cops while I helped the Talon get away.

And this was so ridiculous that I realized I was dreaming and woke up.

Can you believe it, Diary? Catwoman doing something that selfless? Right? Ka-Ray-Z! Anywhom, I'm flippin' beat. I wonder what Alysia wanted? She's out with that new guy she's been dating that she hasn't introduced me to yet. I hope everything is okay! Goodnight, Stephanie my brown Diary!

Batgirl Annual #1 Rating: Jungian.