Superman #13

And so it begins! The first of many other Kryptonians to survive the planet's destruction arrive on Earth!

I'd rather not remind everyone about the horrible events of the Zero Issue, so I'm going to dive right into this one with my fingers crossed that this will be Bizarro and that Bizarro will not have the personality of an entitled teenager that just doesn't give a fuck about anything. Who am I kidding? Lobdell is writing this.

Issue Thirteen begins with the scene that was included at the end of every issue of last week's releases. I think the scene was supposed to excite people about Superman so they'll begin buying it. But it almost had the opposite effect on me. I was tempted to throw this issue back in the face of my local comic shop owner and scream, "How dare you sell this brain-damaging, toxic bullshit in your store!" But he'd probably point out that I asked him to put in my pull box and that was an implicit contract between us that I'd pay for it. But I can share the pain with people not willing to pay for this tripe!

Just add this moment to Scott Lobdell's Flaccid Science Fiction portfolio.

Superman has been working out for five days straight. That's the most believable part of this dialogue. How, while on Earth, do you devise a contraption that allows somebody to lift the weight of the Earth? You know how Lobdell side-steps the answer with his brand of sci-fi logic? He places the device near the center of the Earth. Sort of. No, seriously. That's what he says! "The Block. An advanced research facility located not far from the center of the Earth. Sort of." Then to help explain what might be going on here without really explaining it (it's comic books anyway. Why don't I let it go?!), Rocafort draws a gigantic space with multiple versions of the woman training Superman seen around the space. So perhaps the inter-dimensionality of the space explains it! Although I like the "sort of" as explanation.

But putting all of that aside (even though it's so stupid it sticks to the brain like artery clogging cholesterol), what I find most disturbing is that Superman is much stronger than this. And he goes around punching normal human villains all the time. Is this why Superman's fights last so much longer than they normally should? Because he pulls his punches so that he's hitting at a strength that wouldn't harm a normal human? And then he ramps it up a bit each time so he's careful not to kill his opponent? I know the answer to that is no because when he first meets Green Lantern in Justice League, he wallops the fuck out of that guy without considering for a second what kind of defenses Green Lantern might possibly have to survive a punch from a guy that can lift a planet.

I'm sure Superman has accidentally killed a bunch of people. He probably has a vault in The Fortress of Solitude filled with corpses. But he's able to forgive himself because he knows deep down that what he's doing is right and that he's protecting the world. And he's so self-righteous, he's probably compartmentalized that side of him that knows he's killed and buries it deep inside his alien brain. So even if someone were to read his mind, they won't discover he's a crazy ass killer. I bet he even has to kill people that witness when he kills! Maybe he feeds them all to Krypto.

The woman who invented this implausible machine is Dr. Veritas, the Omniologist. Let me give you a moment to let that bullshit sink in.

So her name is Doctor Truth and she studies the science of everything!

Dr. Veritas spends all of her time sort of near the center of the Earth inventing things that may or may not work because they're based in utter bullshit. No, that's true! She even calls her inventions "crap." This planet lifting bench press was designed to get Superman to actually strain and now the Doctor knows it works! Superman says he's exhausted and you know what happens when you become exhausted? One bead of sweat drips off of your spit curl.

I'm tempted to dig through all of my New 52 issues just to find an image of Superman sweating.

Superman later begins thinking scientifically about the results of his tests and comes up with this whopper of a conclusion:

Oh you beautiful arrogant bastard. "What are you saying?! I'm not a...a...GOD?!"

Superman takes his leave and flies up to stare at the sun for a bit and recharge. This whole time, he's thinking in thought bubbles instead of Narration Boxes. Turns out I don't like Scott Lobdell's characterization and writing any better when he does it via thought bubbles! He just sounds stupid and narcissistic. "The whole world has only two theories of me and they're completely opposite! And I can't change their minds no matter what I do! Although if I change their minds, I guess I'd just be changing them to the polar viewpoint since I just pointed out how half the world thinks one thing and half the world thinks one other thing." He then decides to go to work because "someone has to pay the rent." No, nobody actually has to pay the rent, Supes. You don't have to eat or shit or breathe, it seems. So just go live in your Fortress of Solitude. And if you really feel you need money, dig up some goddamn gold or diamonds or something. Go mine an asteroid for precious metals. Start your own precious metal company. But I guess the lure of writing compels even Superman. Or maybe it's just Lois's tight ass.

Clark heads into the Daily Planet where J. Jonah Jameson Perry White and Lois Lane yell at him for not turning in any stories about Superman over the last week. They don't seem to care that he wasn't even around the offices. Or that they weren't able to reach him via cell phone since there is no service when you're sort of near the center of the Earth. Clark snoops through Lois's body with his X-ray vision to see her text that she's moving in with her boyfriend. This causes him to pout and walk away.

I like how Perry acts like they weren't just ganging up on him. If Scott Lobdell were paying attention to his own fucking story, Perry might say something like, "Were we too hard on him?" But instead, Lobdell wants to hammer in the point that Clark is heartbroken about Lois having a serious boyfriend. So Perry notices how sad and forlorn Clark suddenly has become.

Next on Clark's list is to blow up his fucking job. Morgan Edge stops by roll a little more shit downhill on Clark. But now Clark's had enough. He stands up and gives a passionate speech about the horrible state of the press. Basically it's just a really eloquent way of saying, "I quit!" Morgan Edge sends him packing for having the nuts to want to report on real news instead of feel good bullshit and stories meant to scare and horrify their readers.

I'm sure Lois will stick up for him later so he gets his job back. But at least during lunch, Clark finds a job for Superman.

Well now Superman has seen some really fucking stupid bullshit here on Earth as well!

Superman gets his ass handed to him by the Dragon Monster as it knocks him all the way to Ireland. But it follows after him and Superman uses his Super Vision to look at its DNA. He notices the DNA is decaying which probably means it's a clone from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. He's able to defeat it by blasting some oil beneath the surface of the Earth, causing it to blast out in a huge explosion and destroying the creature. But not him! It may have been stronger than Superman but it apparently wasn't more invulnerable! And then Supergirl arrives. She doesn't immediately punch him in the face but you can tell she wants to!

Why is Supergirl constantly looking for a fight? Chill the fuck out, woman!

Supergirl makes the most illogical assumptions! The Kryptonian Bullshit Dragon can't be there unless Krypton is still *ahem* "alive"? Maybe its parents put it in a rocket before the planet blew up so its life could be saved as well. I think the Latin Kryptonian name of the bullshit dragon is "Triple Footed Bodyguard Dragon." Anyway, if it was a prehistoric creature, how would that prove Krypton was still extant? Supergirl isn't just full of anger! She's also full of dumb.

Superman #13 Rating: -1 Ranking. I have to give it a negative rating because it was too stupid to believe. Also, the cover asked a question that the comic book didn't answer. The picture on the cover also didn't have anything to do with the story inside. The most believable part of this story was Jimmy Olsen fucking his girl in Clark Kent's shower. And we all know how improbable that is! Maybe I'll like the next issue better!