Earth 2 #5

Holy fuck. Grundy is a God? Why wasn't he leading The Legion of Doom? I guess his trouble with the English language always held him back.

Last issue, The Atom had just squashed Solomon Grundy beneath his feet. From the looks of the cover, I'm guessing that squashing didn't quite take. The Atom was also in the middle of arresting Hawkgirl by manhandling her with his giant potato paws. And then the Zero Issue interrupted all of that with that stupid Mr. 8 jerk. What a dumb name, Mr. 8! I wonder if he confronts people and goes, "I oned it! You twoed it! I threed it! You foured it! I fived it! You sixed it! I sevened it! You ate it! MISTER EIGHT IT, THAT IS!"

This issue begins with the rescue of the president, a woman named Lightfoot. It's possible she's a hobbit. Or a halfling. Or a kender. She's rescued by a couple of guys in scuba suits with an emblem on their chests that looks a bit like the Canadian flag on a caffeine high. Although that's just a guess as it's only seen in one panel and it's mostly obscured in that one. Anyway, they manage to grab her and dematerialize before Grundy's rotting roots desiccate them.

The American flags in the Oval Office have a red stripe touching the bottom of the blue field of stars. So that's either one of the differences between Earth One and Earth Two or it's just a mistake. Or maybe it's not one of the differences at all since the last comic which took place on Earth One and had an American flag in it, it also had a red stripe touching the star field. But I forget which comic that was. Stupid artists better get on the Goddamned research wagon! I was also just rereading Chis Ware's Jimmy Corrigan and when he takes part in the human flag at the Chicago World's Fair, the kids have the colors wrong there as well. But that can be explained away in the story as an idiot organizer that didn't know any better and gave out the wrong costumes to the wrong lines of children.
Also, fuck that Jimmy Corrigan is a good book. But fuck is it depressing. Depressing as playing Call of Duty by yourself while getting fucking wasted depressing. Although that actually isn't very depressing! Especially if you talk in a high pitched voice and call yourself Madison. But don't do that since Madison is MY high-pitch voiced boy's name!

Oh yeah! I forgot about The Sandman. Oh! And Hourman too! I wonder if he'll be all cracked out on his pills?

The World Army stiffs consider nuking DC to end the threat since all vegetation on Earth is dying due to Grundy (they may be dropping the Solomon on his name which would be too bad. Don't worry, Grundy! I'll keep calling you Solomon!). But the guy in charge, KAHN!, wants to wait and see what the new wonders will do. "Wonder" is the fancy term on Earth 2 for "super hero." And by fancy I mean retarded. Unless that's offensive and then I mean gay.

While they're watching, they witness the ending of Earth 2 Issue Four. Time to celebrate now that The Atom has saved the day!

That's a hate crime, right? He called him "gentleman" and then punched him.

The Flash knocks The Atom down with some super fast face kicking footwork, freeing Kendra the Hawkgirl. The Atom's "Plan B" is to begin whining at them because he was just doing his job and how dare they not go peacefully now that the gray man is dead. And then the grey man decides he isn't dead at all and gigantic roots begin grabbing at The Atom looking for sexy orifices.

Grundy takes down The Atom and covers him in vines. By draining The Atom's nuclear energy, Grundy has now accelerated the decay of the Earth and the World Council begins to panic. They send in the Smartest Man on Earth Two to save the day! Um, that would be Mr. 8. Whenever I type Mr. 8, it just looks like I'm forgetting to finish an emoticon. Here's my Alice Cooper Emoticon:

=8=[

Green Lantern comes back to smash Grundy into powder. But he knows Grundy will just reform again. So he suddenly pulls a plan out of his ass. Maybe his ring told him what to do. Or maybe Earth itself explained it to him. I mean, Earth 2. What he decides to do is meditate and then travel along his silver cord deep into the Green. So deep that he'll end up in the Grey. Or the Gray. Whatever. But to do this, he'll have to leave his body at Grundy's mercy. That's where the rest of the Justice Society comes in! They need to protect Alan Scott while he gets his New Age on.

Once inside the Grey, Alan Scott finds he can communicate with it. He asks it how to stop its avatar. What a chump! "Hey, Grey? You know how you're destroying the world? How do I stop that?" Luckily the Gray isn't completely stupid like you might expect after hearing its Avatar try to hold an intelligible conversation. It tells Alan Scott, "You're going to fail and there's no hope and, you know, how about joining us since you're going to lose anyway? Maybe this will convince you:"

It would be more convincing if he were naked. And not covered in cobwebs and fungus.

While The Last Temptation of Alan Scott goes on in The Grey, Terry Sloan has launched a nuclear strike on DC. And Hawkgirl, Flash, and The Atom continue to fight Grundy to a stalemate. Everybody is waiting on Green Lantern to return and save the day. But he's kind of busy right now.

Hee hee. I bet "Endgame" is a euphemism for gay sex. I think this comic is a fundamentalist morality play: The Earth will die if Green Lantern (as Jesus) has gay sex!

Earth 2 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Look at how generous I'm being with the rankings in October! My brain chemicals must be all fucked up from all of the potential Halloween Candy I'm thinking about eating. Is that how that works? I think so! I'm so excited to eat bags and bags and bags of chocolate and sour things!