Wonder Woman #0

Wait! Wait! I know this origin story!

Zeus: "Hey, babe. What's your sign?"
Hippolyta: "Oh come on. Does that actually work?
Zeus: "Sometimes. For the others, I created this thing called rape."
Hippolyta: "Zeus, you're a fucking pig."
Zeus: "That can be arranged. If you're into that sort of thing."

Except that's not what's happening in this comic. This comic looks extra special super amazing though!

Yes! All-Girl Adventure Tales for Men!

Diana is stealing a Harpy's egg to make her cake for her birthday. Azzarello and Chiang do a magnificent job creating an old school style story about Wonder Woman. The thought bubbles, the omniscient narrator that loves alliteration, and, of course, Chiang's art which is perfectly suited for this kind of story. I'm just three pages in and delighted by the entire thing.

How many young comic book readers are wondering what the fuck is going on. What are those fluffy looking bubbles coming out of Diana's head? Who the fuck is speaking in the Narration Boxes?!

The girl Aleka calls Diana "clay" and Diana beats the bloody snot out of her. Then she runs off crying and saying she's sorry. Why would Hippolyta tell everyone such a stupid story? And then allow Diana to be teased every single day of her life because she's basically a pot? Is it that shameful to have given birth to Zeus's child? An Amazon has to get pregnant from somewhere. Why not Zeus? Except maybe for that weird fetish of his where he likes to fuck women while in the shape of some other species. Kinky!

After Diana runs into the woods to cry, she meets War, The God of War. He offers to teach her fighting tactics every full moon. Watching them is an Owl which, I believe, is one of Athena's creatures. Maybe she's going to want to get her claws into Diana as well. And then all of the other Gods are going to want a piece of the wonder girl and pretty soon Diana will be training every single night.

On her 13th birthday, Diana must once again bring a precious gift for her mother or the year won't be counted. Once an Amazon reaches her mid-twenties, she starts "accidentally" failing to bring gifts to her mother. "Oh fuck! I'm 25 for another year? Damn!" But this year, War feels he has trained her well enough to send her into the Labyrinth to face the Minotaur.

This is how she got her name.

Diana eventually meets the Minotaur and bests it in combat using her wits and some luck. War points out that the Minotaur's head will be the gift to her mother. Maybe not as nice as roses or a new bra but at least it'll be from the heart.

Pussy.

Because Diana refuses to kill the Minotaur, War calls her a failure and abandons her. But when the Minotaur regains its feet, it looks upon Diana and lets her be, disappearing into its labyrinth. Diana finds her way out by following her rope and wonders if her mercy can be the gift she gives her mother for her birthday.

That's a cheap gift! "Here, mom! I got you an abstract thought for my birthday! Can I turn 13 now?"

Wonder Woman #0 Rating: Since Wonder Woman's origin story was already revealed within the pages of the regular series, I wasn't expecting anything to do with that. But I was hoping for two other possible stories: why Diana was living in London at the beginning of this series or how Steve Trevor and Diana first met. Trevor is doing so much work in other titles, it looks like Azzarello has just decided to be hands off with him. Good choice unless you want the DC Editors fucking up your shit on a daily basis. Anyway, this was a fun story simply because it was such a flashback to a way of telling comic book stories long dead.