Superboy #12

Aha! Things are looking very slightly better! Tom DeFalco is now writing Superboy instead of Scott Lobdell. One less comic book written by Lobdell (even if DeFalco is taking over) is one less comic book written by Scott Lobdell!

Last issue, Superboy received a Superman Logo tattoo from a tattoo parlor run by Kobra. At least that's my speculation. Does Superboy have healing powers or can he just take a really good beating? If a super hero does have healing powers, can they keep a tattoo? Or a piercing? Or scarification? What about a vasectomy? Wouldn't that heal up as well? Can a hero with regenerative abilities get cancer? I'd imagine so and then it would just explode out of control, right?

This actually passes as an acceptable first page in a comic book:

What kind of a writer wastes this much space? So much more can be done on this page. And it can be done so much better so that the whole leading Narration Boxing thing doesn't make you think he's setting up a joke. It could actually be done so it seems like someone is really threatening him.

This is where comics have begun to fail. Instead of using the medium to take advantage of the way it can portray time, writers are now just writing inner monologues and plastering them on static pictures of characters. Scott McCloud is probably weeping across several panels while the tears falling from his eyes drip down across the page until they splash in the lower right corner.

I don't know what's pounding on Superboy's door here. My guess is it's an angry woman whom he went on a single date with and he never called her back. Or maybe it's Wonder Girl just stopping by to tell him how cute he is before she scolds him for trying to kill her.

Or not. And who would ever say, "It's not like you were raised in a test tube"?

I actually think his tactile telekinesis could help him out here. He seems to learn everything else when he uses it. It would seem the easiest thing in the world to learn how to dance since he's already touching her. I'm sure if I wasn't so lazy, I could march into the house, dig out the last eleven issues of Superboy and find examples where he used his tactile telekinesis to learn the moves of his foes. Normally I would call Superboy a stupid jerk here but he still just has the mind of a six month old, so I'll give him a pass this time.

Last issue, Superboy went out on a date with Bunker. This time, he's out on a date with some woman named Dallas. I guess Superboy is trying to figure out what he likes.

During Superboy's big night out, he flashes back to last issue where Bunker tells him stealing is wrong.

I make typos and drop words occasionally as well. But then I'm not asking you to pay me $2.99 for reading my crap. I'm also not paying editors to catch this kind of shit. Chris Conroy, DC Editor for Superboy, you suck.

The scene is revisited so that Tom DeFalco can show Superboy saying that he should probably return the money. Either DeFalco or some editor at DC probably didn't think it was right to have Superboy begin life as a bank robber. Of course he still hasn't returned it. But at least he seems to think he should. Or he just wants Bunker to think he seems to think he possibly should think about returning it. It seems.

Back to the party, DeFalco manages to point out that Bunker knows how to pick fashionable clothes.

I wish he acted only a few months old.

While at the club, Superboy enjoys his first alcoholic beverage.

Superboy sounds like my girlfriend!

Well, Superboy, vomiting is the body's fail-safe. And I think it's good to test your fail-safe mechanism for a time when there is a real emergency! And the memory loss is an added benefit so you don't remember shitting in the bathtub and you can completely deny it. And the death, well, you know. Some people want the comfort of the grave but are too cowardly to enter it immediately. So they take the long, leisurely, wobbly stroll.

While Superboy is simply hanging out with his landlady (Dallas) and other people he barely knows, a woman named Kiva walks into the club. Superboy can feel she's trouble. And then Dallas takes off out the back door with Kiva following. Superboy tries to use his Telekinesis to stop Kiva but it doesn't work. It simply creates some kind of feedback that knocks Superboy over. So he follows them to the back alley where Kiva is demanding her money.

Superboy tries to protect Dallas but Kiva screams that she's "THE MISTRESS OF THE LOST DOMAIN" and things get all wonky. Superboy suddenly finds himself flipping back and forth between the alley with the two bodyguards and a strange landscape where the bodyguards are actually demons. At first he's no match for them but then he uses his Telekinesis to vomit up the alcohol and then he fights much better. But then Kiva eats him.

Too bad Superboy didn't wait to expel the alcohol. He could have gotten Kali drunk with it and then she'd vomit him out.

Once Superboy has metaphorically been swallowed, he realizes Kali is using his own powers against him. He lets go, surrenders, and opens up to her. Once Kali can see inside him completely, she screams and goes catatonic. Superboy wins because his soul is disgusting! Yay!

Meanwhile in the epilogue, Detective Jocelyn Lure has been keeping an eye on him with some super futuristic equipment. Now she thinks it's time to either help Superboy become the hero he should be or stop him once and for all.

Superboy #12 Rating: No change. Once again grading on a curve, Superboy is getting better. Just slightly. Just incrementally enough to maintain its crappy position in the ranks.