Batwing #12

This cover screams, "I AM A COVER ARTIST AND I GIVE NO FUCKS!"

I didn't think things were going so poorly last issue that Batwing has to resort to help from Justice League International this issue! But you know what, before I begin commenting on the comic, I'm not done with this cover.

Look at it! LOOK! I'm pretty sure it's half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing's left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand). A few of the characters have the majority of their bodies off-cover while the rest have a good amount of their bodies covered by other characters. No background. And where are they coming from? Batwing and Booster look like they're flying. Nightwing is doing his typical crouch jump. Godiva, Guy, General, and Batman are running down a non-existent hill. And OMAC is just belly flopping into the mix. I would like to say this is the shittiest, laziest, most horrible cover of the New 52 but there have been so many bad ones that I'm just not willing to commit to that statement. Okay. That's enough.

So, this issue looks like Batwing and the JLI (who kind of, sort of possibly still represent the United Nations? Or at least people probably think they do) are about to invade a sovereign nation. Bully for them!

The issue begins with Batwing, Nightwing, and the JLI already engaged in battle with Tundi's protectors, Blood Storm. Eww. Gross. Here's the problem with naming your Super Powered National Bodyguards "Blood Storm." Isn't exactly a picture of nicety-nice, is it?

Tundi Tourism Board: "We have beautiful sandy deserts! We have gorgeous wild animals! The people are the friendliest you can meet! But please, do not come to Tundi! DO NOT STEP FOOT IN TUNDI! Blood Storm, the name of our metagene enhanced protectorates, is a literal name! They will explode you like the fabled blood sausages of Bloodsausagonia! A whirlwind will be created of your vital life's elixir! The gore that used to be infected with your personality will rain down upon our people! Tundi thanks you!"

Anybody want the real names of the members of Blood Storm? The Hooded Reliquary is actually Sniper. Dora the Horror is Striker. So close! The Concierge is Neith (named for the Goddess of War). And Schwa is actually Fallen. Because he fell from the sky! Duh! So those are the real names of the people who are about to defeat Justice League International!

But at least Justice League International were still on their feet and fighting when this comic book begin as opposed to being unconscious like in their own title! At least Judd Winick has a modicum of respect for their abilities. But that fight is getting ahead of the story anyway because Judd likes to tell his stories out of time. He once saw this little movie called Pulp Fiction and he got ideas. Big, lofty ideas that he could never reach so he went with this stupid thing where he starts a comic book in the middle of a fight and then a few pages later he puts up a "10 hours ago" caption.

So, ten hours ago everybody was getting briefed in Haven. Batwing revealed that Tundi had a nuclear missile (care of The Penguin!) and were prepared to use it on a rival nation. Tundi needed to be stopped.

I'm glad to see Booster has the same reservations that I had.

And I'm glad to see Guy doesn't.

Then the team sneaks in and then the team is discovered almost instantly. It's as if the story didn't even need the flashback! Maybe I was wrong about Judd Winick ever seeing Pulp Fiction! Where are the subtleties in the exploded narrative that explain other parts of the narrative? Where is John Travolta constantly missing everything because he's going to the restroom, a habit that eventually gets him killed when he refuses to acknowledge the sign of the bullets that missed them? What am I talking about? Why the fuck do I think any mainstream comic book writer is ever going to impress me at this rate?! Perhaps it's time to call this writing exercise complete and dive back into Grunion Guy's novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous?

You know what used to keep me reading comic books back in the eighties? I was excited to see how the lives of these characters would turn out. Now, 95 percent of all of DC's characters have no personality outside of their super heroing persona. Maybe Batwoman. Nightwing. Batman and Robin. Fuck, Jason Todd if he was being written by an actual writer could be a fucking fascinating read! But instead, Lobdell treats him as a teenager with an attitude. Lobell has had less than five really interesting pages in eleven issues of three different comic books. That's about two percent of his writing on target. Yet if he had a good editor, the editor would read his shit and point to those five pages and say, "This! This is where your story needs to go!" And how the fuck did I end up ranting about Scott Lobdell? Judd Winick dodged a bullet here!

Continuing on with the comic, I find the next few pages quite enjoyable. But I find them enjoyable because of me and my project! I did that little fanfic Tundi Tourism Board thing earlier. So when Batwing and the JLI encounter Lord Battle, he says, "Welcome! I hope you are enjoying the Nation of Tundi! I'm afraid your visit will be a short one!" So even when I'm fucking around, I'm beating these writers to the punch and outguessing most of their moves.

Listen to me! Going on and on, yet again, about how shitty these professional writers are while I've never published anything professionally. But that's okay. I'd like to point to Dwarf Lover to show that I can put a better comic together than this tripe. Oh, and this issue of Batwing isn't even that bad! I've just gotten into complainer mode so it sounds like I'm hating Batwing #12 when I'm really just despising DC in general! It's probably time for a picture!

Like a good mudslinger, I cut out the context for that last narration box because I want everyone to see Batwing saying that the JLI are useless!

Before I continue with the battle and get to the part where they realize how to defeet (misspelling intended!) Lord Battle, let me say that the match-ups shown at the beginning of the comic never happen. When Blood Storm is introduced on the first page of this issue, Nightwing and Godiva are fighting Striker and Sniper. But later when the team is attacked, Sniper fights with OMAC and Booster while Striker battles August General in Iron and Batwing. Fallen does encounter Guy, so that's okay. And Neith attacks Booster and OMAC instead of Booster and August General in Iron as shown on page one. Just wanted to point out that whole discontinuity crap.

With the help of Matu (Batwing's Alfred! The guy that owns the shirt with the incorrect dice on it!), Batwing realizes that Lord Battle seems to gain his power from his connection to the land of Tundi. So OMAC lifts him off of the ground (he DEFEETS him! Bwa ha ha!) and tosses him to Batwing who flies him out of his country's boundaries. Lord Battle loses his power once he's removed but his entire country begins to lose its vitality. Sick people begin dying. Trees wither. Blood Storm become gaunt and weak. Without Lord Battle, the country will die. Lord Battle pleads to let him go back for the sake of his people and his country.

New prison nickname: Lord Butthole!

The issue ends with a foreshadowing page of some asshole named King Shadow who has apparently organized every conflict that Batwing has faced so far in this comic to create an Africa devoid of super powered people (Massacre, Lord Battle, members of The Kingdom) so that he can take over. Good luck, King Shadow, organizing Africa under one rule, even a tyrannical one. It'll never happen. You're defeated before you even started by overstepping what is possible! Jerk!

Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?