Superboy #10

I apologize beforehand for using the words "fuck", "shit", and "cunt" multiple times while reading this comic book.

I threw away Issue #9 of Superboy it was so awful. Well, I symbolically threw it away and took a picture of it in the garbage. But then I fished it out and put it back in its plastic sleeve and then put it in the comic book box. And now I find myself reading Issue #10 and I'm nervous. My stomach hurts and my face is flushed and I'm already embarrassed for everybody working on this comic book. I just know it's going to suck. I just know it!

Let's begin with Page One in which we learn a good lesson about why the current trend in Narration Boxing is fucking horrible.

See? They're not thought bubbles because he's passed out yet he's describing the action as it happens. Or he's commenting on the action from a future place as he watches/reads the comic with the reader. Lame. And it's not an omniscient narrator because it wants to use the personality of the character. It's fucked up bullshit is what it is.

Superboy and Wonder Girl wake up awkwardly and Wonder Girl immediately accuses Superboy of overstepping his bounds. Fucking sexist cunt. After bickering with each other because some day they're going to fuck, they fly up in the air to get a better view of where they might be.

I get it. We're being whimsical this issue. Okay.

At the end of The Culling, Superboy and Wonder Girl and a bunch of Teen Titans were trying to escape from deep within the earth as NOWHERE headquarters collapsed all around them. Somehow as they flew away, they blacked out and woke up on the Mysterious Island of Mysterious Mysteries. And since Lobdell doesn't believe in cause and effect, this makes complete sense. Lobdell's target audience are either the kind with no short term memory or the kind who just say, "FUCK YEAH FIGHTING AND SEXY BITCHES!"

The two decide to search the island and luckily for me and the other readers, Superboy recaps the whole Culling cross-over. OH FUCK ME IN THE FACE I'M RELIVING THAT GARBAGE! Please stop, Superboy. STOP. RIGHT NOW!

Okay, now that that's over, I'm ready to see how Cassie's hatred for Superboy turns into love. She already thinks he's a motherfucking sex bomb but she hates him and his deep blue eyes because he beat the shit out of her that one goddamned time.

I know, right? You fucking try to kill a bitch one fucking time and she can't forgive you even though she keeps calling you a sexy motherfucker. What's up with that?

While Superboy and Wonder Girl are arguing, a dinosaur swallows Superboy whole. But Wonder Girl punches it in the stomach and it spits out Super Boy. Now, did you hear what I just typed? Oh, I mean read. Did you read it? Yes. A fucking dinosaur. Yay! The twelve year old boy in my basement is super excited about this turn of events. Did I say basement? I meant in my head. You know. The old me when I was twelve. Not that kid in the basement. That's nothing.

Oh I do so hope they find more than just a Tyrannosaurus! Maybe it's time for another visit from the famous author Grunion Guy.

The Land That Time Forgot Because It Was Lost One Million Years Ago
By Grunion Guy

An explorer and a scientist and an architect walk into a bar. The architect says, "I dig up bones for a living so I know that dinosaurs do not exist but did you read the newspaper today?

The Explorer said, "Read it? I was the subject of that story because I found a lost city of dinosaurs on an island when I fell down a waterfall into the past!"

The scientist said, "That is what you call Chaos Probability. That means that if a butterfly flies around in China the chaos will probably ensue. It's very factual and things. I read it in a book that I checked out of the library."

The architect whose name was Mr. Brady lied, "I have read that book as well!" He lied because he didn't want the scientist to know that he liked watching television more than reading. "Oh, Mr. Explorer?" he asked trying to change the subject so that everyone would stop talking about books. "I would like to see this land of dinosaurs because I dig up fossils for a living and would like to see a living fossil, you dig?"

"Oh my that was very droll," proclaimed the Explorer who was British and in British, droll meant clever instead of stupid like most Americans think it means even if it doesn't. I think. "I will take you to the hidden land of dinosaurs immediately!"

The explorer and the architect and the scientist left the bar to go explore the land of the dinosaurs where things would be very exciting because they would probably see a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Brontosaurus and a Stegosaurus and a Mechasaururs and a Placebosaurus and a Tarantusaurus too. But when the explorer tried to hail a cab, they were all hit by a bus and died.

The End!

This is not the end of the comic book.

Wonder Girl and Superboy beat up the Tyrannosaurus. While doing so, they banter back and forth like flirting idiots. No, no. They really do sound like idiots. Scott Lobdell is horrible at this casual banter in the middle of a near death experience. But they manage to pull together and knock the fucker out.

Really? A vegan? I guess animal rights only matter right up until the point that your life is threatened. Sheesh. Typical!

After the fight, Wonder Girl decides to bathe naked. And then she invites Superboy to bathe naked with her. It's Blue Lagoon all over again. Look it how the woman who he tried to kill warms up to him because he's super sexy! The romance is so believable! It's giving me goosebumps!

Guess what the rest of the night is like? Cassie's cool to Superboy. Then she warms up to him. Then she gets angry with him. Then she feeds him fruit. Then she cools off. Then she warms up. Then she gets angry. Ugh.

If you hate him, stop complimenting him every single time you tell him you hate him! Oy fucking vey. Both of these Goddamn pricks are cunts.

After Cassie punches Superboy in the mouth for trying to kiss her even though she keeps telling him things like his ass is tight and his fucking cock would look great in her mouth and she loves licking alien assholes, they notice that the Tyrannosaurus is gone. After that, they find a cellar door in the island. After that, they find another cellar door at the bottom of some stairs leading from the first cellar door. After that, they find another upside down island on the other side of the cellar door. And then the comic is to be continued in Teen Titans #10 which I guess I'll read next.

Superboy #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. This entire budding romance between these two characters really relies on the fact that fans expect these two characters to be romantically involved again. So I think Lobdell thinks he's being clever when he makes it look like they're about to kiss or get close and then he makes them fight again! Ha ha! Pulled the rug out of the fans who want this ship to sail. And I actually think the relationship (not intimate, just whatever) between Cassie and Kon-el could really be played well if weren't being treated so jokey by Lobdell.

Other than all the bullshit stupid flirting going on (which, really, is an insult to everybody who has ever been in an abusive relationship), the rest of the comic played out like a TSR module from Gary Gygax's time with the company when most modules tended to offer a lot of tongue in cheek encounters.