Superboy #9

Let me guess: Warblade is immune to telekinesis.

I don't really want to read Superboy next but I figured I'd finish up The Culling while it's still fresh in my mind. Then I can immediately let it drip out the back of my skull while I continue on in ignorant bliss of this crap ever having existed.

Here's the main problem with The Culling: it's about killing off super heroes but I feel pretty confident that no super heroes are going to die (except for Skitter because she's fucking useless). The tension inherent in this plot exists only if the characters have the possibility of dying. And they just don't. At least in Battle Royale and The Hunger Games, you know just about everyone is going to die. The excitement, fear, terror, and worry all stem from the voyeurism of a gory, grisly event and from learning about (and liking!) the characters that you know are about to meet their end. And the hope that your favorite will somehow make it through and survive. But even if I had been told only one character could survive, I wouldn't really care! Besides, it would be Red Robin, totes.
The Culling! Could a worse name have been thought up by the creative team? How about The Brawl? Or The Beating Up? Because nobody besides Artemis is going to die! And she was introduced in the same issue she was killed in.

And where are the Young and Twisted and Full of Cum couple that were sent to the Colony a few issues ago? Maybe they'll make an appearance in Superboy's Issue of The Culling which I'm reading right now!

Here's Superboy to catch us up:

Let me guess: I'd be wrong, right?

I'd have another think coming, wouldn't I?!

Look at that panel above. It's supposed to be a dynamic pose where the characters are all ready to defend themselves against The Ravagers. But everyone is so stiff and awkward! Red Robin and Tyroc are looking toward the cameras waiting for the director to give them some direction. And Superboy looks like he's pop-locking toward them. I think Timber Wolf just snarled, "Bah!" and waved his arm at The Ravagers in elementary school disgust. Chameleon Girl and Lightning are doing whatever the hell Superboy is doing. And Cassie is either sliding on a newly waxed floor or getting ready to fucking Crane Style these bitches. But they can be forgiven for not looking worried because The Ravagers are even more lackadaisical.

Hey! If you fill half of the panel with smoke, you only have to draw half of each person! Unless, you know, Rose Wilson decides to float on top of it.

Look at these assholes! I'm not even scared and I'm a veggie pacifist non-meta human! Although I'm also three dimensional, so I've got that going for me. But look at Rose, Omen, Captain Eyepatch, and Psykill, the big iron giant! More people looking at some action behind the camera. Or artist. Maybe R.B. Silva owns a fucking parrot or something and it's sitting on his shoulder squawking away and distracting the characters. And Miss Belief just looks curious. I also don't remember most of their names. I remember most of them were dumb though.

That's the title? SRSLY? Was Warblade an aide in a legal firm? Or am I supposed to just think of this as an acceptable pun because he has claws and claws rhymes with cause?

After reading this title, I decided to see if there had ever been a movie named Santa Claws. And there was! Take a look at Duke's synopsis of the movie. Go ahead. I'll wait.

So the movie is about a guy who catches his mom fucking a guy dressed like Tim Allen? Fuck, I'd shoot that mother fucker too! Was he grunting as he was giving it to her? "To the uterus! And beyond!" Damn, that's worse than Lost Claws! Now I'm sad.

Back to the action, we never get to find out what Warblade's word was because Superboy blasts him with a telekinetic super blast.

That's clearly what's happening, right? See his hand still there? And a blast shooting out?

Except he doesn't shoot him with a blast. Superboy blasts into Warblade and carries him off somewhere. I guess maybe that happened in-between panels because the very next panel, Red Robin is commanding Solstice to go after Superboy. You know who I'd send after him? The Flash, you dumb twat! Tyroc suggests Dawnstar go because she's an awesome 31st Century tracker and she can find footprints in lava way better than the rest of the people here. Or she can smell his Super Sweat on the air to track him down.

While Red Robin and Tyroc discuss who gets to chase Superboy, the rest of the characters have a dance party.

Gates is dancing to Thriller.

The page after this one is an advertisement for the television show American Ninja Warrior. And I really hate the ads for this show because they're made to look like a comic book. It's distracting. Also, Wonder Woman wants you to defile her. Oh, pretty please?

When did the official uniform for the Amazons become a belly shirt tank top?

Also, the competitor's hand is all thumbs. And he's going to grab Batman's crotch.

Back to the comic, Superboy did slam into Warblade and carried him more than a mile away and drops them both in a lake of lava.

These two just went off to have their own dance party!

Superboy is disappointed that Warblade doesn't melt and claims Warblade must be made of something more durable than metal. Which metal? All metals?! Or maybe he's just made of something with a much higher melting point than "metal." Maybe he's made out of "rock." Or "liquid." Or "candy".

Geez. This fight is epically bad. Amazingly horrible! It's awesomely terrible! It's literally shit. Okay, maybe it's figuratively shit. But it's literally shit in the way that it's not but it's so super bad that I need to really emphasize my point so I use the word literally uncorrectly and every-one looses all've there ability 2 conversate 4 ever moore!!!! LOL!

Oh God. My brain just exploded a little bit. But that sentence didn't hurt it as much as the following actual quotes from Superboy #9:

Red Robin: "These wings are pure Inertron. You'll find them rather resistant to harm. In fact, they're almost as tough and resilient as I am!"

Red Robin: "How you doing, Wonder Girl?"
Cassie (not fucking Wonder Girl, asshole! But she lets this one slide) Sandstrom: "A lot better than Miss Belief!" (I should probably clarify here that her name is misbelief but I'm going to always and forever call her Miss Belief)

Warclaw Warblade: "No, Red Robin. The only way this ends is in a pool of blood. Yours."

Warblade: "Trying to take out the opposition's leader shows real battle smarts. I'm almost impressed."
Superboy: "I almost care."

Timber Wolf: "Have you been fighting another man behind my back? I thought we had an understanding, Rose."
Rose Wilson: "Timber Wolf! I've been hoping we'd get another chance to dance. I would love to introduce your spleen to my sword."

Wait wait wait. Hold up. Is that proper dance etiquette? "MADAME SWORD, PLEASED TO MEET MASTER SPLEEN!" Squish! I would suggest Rose introduce her sword to an organ that Timber Wolf actually needs to continue living. Also, I fucking told you they were dancing, didn't I?

While I got caught up in all of the horrible dialogue, I forgot to mention that Red Robin was rescued by Flash when Rose was about to stab him in the face with her sword. I forgot to mention it even though it was storyboarded so horribly that she never should have had the chance to get the drop on him. They were distracted from their fight by Ridge being thrown to the ground in-between them. This caused them both to fly backwards from the shockwave. But the very next panel, Red Robin is on his back and Rose is standing over him ready to lobotomize him. She misses because The Flash rescues him.

Ooh la la! What is the nick slang for in the 31st Century? Oh! Um, I'll just stick this here. In the Annual, Timber Wolf smelled that Flash was from the future. Well, Kid Flash ran by and Timber Wolf sniffed so I'm pretty sure that's what they were getting at.

Back to the Superboy versus Warblade part of the comic book, Superboy can't use his telekinesis on Warblade and he can't melt Warblade with lava. So he tries to force semen into Warblade's lungs. Um, excuse me. How exactly are you going to get it past Warblade's helmet?

Gah! Superboy! Enough with the cumshots, dude.

Even the facial doesn't stop Warblade. It seems like nothing can stop him! But then Dawnstar grabs him by the armpits and flies him up over a lake of lava and drops him in. He never struggles once or tries to slash her or headbutt her or anything. It's almost as if he's suddenly being written less powerfully! Weird! Or maybe it's Dawnstar's boob window that mesmerizes him and takes the fight out of him.

Besides, dropping him in lava is already proven not to work. Maybe Dawnstar could defeat him if she had a vagina as powerful as Dove's.

Then while Kid Flash is zipping about looking for Skitters, a mysterious figure seems to recognize him. The mysterious figure (Timber Wolf) also uses a thought bubble! Gadzooks!

Normally I wouldn't guess Timber Wolf because he's supposed to be fighting Rose Wilson. But when has any panel in a Scott Lobdell comic followed any other panel logically or consistently?

It is Timber Wolf because later he jumps out and tackles Kid Flash while Kid Flash is running at super speed. Like I said, nothing is logical or consistent. Did Timber Wolf and Rose ever even fight? Or did he just distract her with his witty comment and then they parted ways once Red Robin crept away? Whatever happened, he's here now and Rose Wilson must have moved on to fight someone else. Maybe he ate her. I don't know. He threatens Kid Flash, calling him a monster and accusing him of being the cause for much death and suffering. But Tellus the Fish Psychic gives Timber Wolf an aneurysm so he doesn't end up revealing what Kid Flash did in the future. Maybe Tellus's big secret has something to do with Kid Flash?

And yet another fucking miserably done page right here with a brief cameo from the stretchy guy from Issues #3 and #4 (the Superboy Cumshot cover!) Here's the full page:

The dialogue doesn't matter here. What matters is the writer and artist's awareness of space and time. Panel 1: Superboy pummeling Warblade in front of him. Panel 2: Superboy is stopped and turns to Stretchy McStrectharmstrong who is about six feet away. Panel 3: A small amount of time elapses as Superboy turns his back on Warblade. See? Superboy's arm travels about a foot and a half to release Stretchy's grip on him. Panel 4: Stretchy is stabbed in the back by, you guessed it, Warblade! So Warblade can either teleport or burrow through snow super duper fast.

And after all of that, the lava and the beating and the facial, with Warblade barely showing any sign of slowing down, he's knocked out in one panel when Dawnstar throws a rock into his head. Someone might argue that he was already pretty beat up by Superboy at that point but it's not like someone with strength or super speed or super human throwing abilities threw the rock. It was Dawnstar who threw it! And it cracked the green glass in his eye helmet she threw it so hard! So she can throw a rock with more force than fifty thousand punches from Superboy. Fuck you, Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!

Superboy and Dawnstar return to the others to find them victorious over the Ravagers. Um. Yay?

Why oh why does R.B. Silva draw women that look like male rock stars from the 80s? Actually, every member of Poison looked more feminine than Wonder Girl looks here.

And then Harvest appears and says, "Ha ha ha! My plan was to get you to fight each other so that you would become tired out so that the rest of The Colony would kill you but I knew you wouldn't fight and you'd save them and then my Ravagers would come to kill you themselves! But my plan counted on you defeating them as well because I wanted you to feel hope before I crushed you myself! Ah ha ha! And you fell for it!" Oh, fuck this.

Superboy #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm curious as to the age of the reader that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are writing to. I admit I'm probably way past the age of the target audience for some of these comic books. But even if you're writing to younger folks, start with the premise that they're fucking intelligent and they deserve the respect of a well-told story.

Since I don't know if people actually like Superboy much, I'll discuss Lobdell on his Red Hood title. I've been genuinely surprised by the fandom out there for Jason Todd and Red Hood and the Outlaws. But that's mainly because I haven't been around comics for awhile and Jason Todd came back while I wasn't paying attention. It looks like a lot of people like his sort of Batman with Killing attitude. But I was reading the book based on the writing and Pee-Yew! Lobdell just seems to think that the panels bear no relation to the other panels. He can rewrite the story from scene to scene and it's just fine for him. And the fans accept it and sort of look away because they're just happy to read a Red Hood and the Outlaws story. Well, DC, I see how you treat your fans. You just dish out the swill and expect them to gather round the trough. It's a pretty sad state of affairs but it also makes me even more determined to continue to read your New 52 and point out every miserably stupid panel. That should be the name of my blog: Every Miserable Stupid Last Panel.

P.S. I just watched a video of Scott Lobdell answering questions and snooze.

P.P.S. I know I was pretty hard on Scott Lobdell. Feel free to replace his name with Tom DeFalco if DeFalco was the main reason this comic was put together so poorly. Also, in Lobdell's defense, the last issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws was actually pretty good and made a lot of sense.