Stormwatch #1

At some point in this comic, Martian Manhunter is going to take the shape of Apollo and end up having sex with Midnighter. It's practically inevitable.

Before I could even begin reading the first page, I began to speculate on the first crisis that Stormwatch will be facing. A Great Old One? No! An Elder God which the Great Old Ones themselves worshiped! Or maybe they'll face off against the Earth itself which is rejecting human beings. So Stormwatch has to figure out how to stop the Earth from killing everyone. The challenge is Stormwatch can't just beat the shit out of it like they would normally do or else they'll wind up killing everyone!

I also just remembered that there was that guy on the team with the feet who felt empathy for the city he was in. Or gained his power from the city around him. Jack Something? Jack Hawksmoore? Fuck if I can remember. Oh, then there was also the Engineer! And the lady with the wings! From the cover of issue one and issue two beside me, I only see Apollo, Midnighter, and Martian Manhunter though. Maybe it's just a boys' club this time.

Well, reading the first page reveals Angie the Engineer is still on the team. She's talking to someone I don't recognize. But there's a small girl on deck of the Headquarters ship. That must be Jenny Sparks.

Angie and the other guy are investigating a giant horn that was blown over in Superman #1. Why it was blown by the cyborg toad guy in that comic and not over here is a question I was going to say was unanswerable but I'm pretty sure I know why it was done that way. To try to get all of the audience that would definitely be buying Superman to possibly pick up Stormwatch since it looked like they might be crossing over somehow. And yet, I've read the first five issues of Superman and had completely forgotten about the horn blowing frog cyborg because it's never mentioned again.

Perhaps things like this will happen across all the comic books. Because Stormwatch is kind of like a localized hyperspatial galactic police force which deals with all the really horrible cosmic ending events that none of the other super heroes even notice. Perhaps that's how all of the stories will be set up! Except I haven't run into any other notes to check out the pages of Stormwatch to follow up on this one page that means nothing to the current comic. Maybe that's because this storyline is still going on here in Stormwatch. When it ends, I bet something will happen in Batman with a footnote to check out Issue #7 of Stormwatch for more information!

Engineer calls the guy I don't recognize Adam and that doesn't help me at all. I just remembered that there was also a drug crazed member of the team who had some connection with nature. I don't remember who that was at all! It's been a long time since I've read Stormwatch!

OH HAI JACK HAWKSMOOR!

It looks like Apollo is the guy Stormwatch is in Moscow to recruit. And that's foot guy Jack. But I don't know the other two! Maybe the normal guy in the suit is Martian Manhunter.

The female in the group is called Projectionist. Her super power is to get out of class to get the projection equipment when it's time for a slide reel. Or her power is to project all of the current media on any subject in the whole world. She does this about Apollo and gets three hits. One of them is a girl's Slash Fiction. I wonder who he's fucking in it? Batman probably. Which isn't too far from the truth!

Oh, I should probably also mention that Projectionist can manipulate the media as well. It's good to have someone like that to keep your group covert. Also, the normal guy was Martian Manhunter. Ha ha! After all these years, Manhunter, you can't fool me!

Can I give myself 1/2 a point for guessing the Earth would be their first enemy?

This guy named Harry Tanner who does some thing with energy blades was investigating something on the moon. The moon quakes cause him to follow through the surface and into a cavern where a gigantic eye begins talking to him. The moon calls itself The Scourge of Worlds and it's decided to make the world stronger through devastation.

Can I get another 1/2 point for the Elder God of an Elder God guess? Hunh? Close enough here?

Okay, the Scourge of Worlds is actually trying to help. And it isn't the moon, exactly. It just has the ability to animate matter and it chose to animate the moon. Something horrible and huge is coming to Earth (of course!). And the Scourge is here to help make the Earth stronger in the hopes it can defeat whatever huge thing is coming.

The Scourge of Worlds reads Harry's mind. He sees old versions of Stormwatch (The Demon Knights were a faction?) It discovers Stormwatch is run by a Shadow Cabinet of the dead. And then it uses Harry Tanner as its host.

Oh! Was that drug guys name The Shaman? I think maybe! The goatee guy named Adam seems to be some guy who keeps watch over Century Babies like Jenny Sparks. I mean, Jenny Quantum. Memory fail again. I don't quite remember what happened to Jenny Sparks now. Or did she somehow become Jenny Quantum? Again, fuck if I know!

Manhunter, Jack and Projectionist are about to take down Apollo and force him to join Stormwatch when the Midnighter appears and easily takes them all out. You know why he easily takes them all out? Because he was designed to be Batman on Steroids. But now Midnighter and Batman are in the same universe. Which means Midnighter is just Batman without the no-kill ethics. And Batman can now beat up Midnighter since Batman can defeat anybody in the DC Universe. Oh, and the Marvel Universe as well.

I don't know who Midnighter is currently working for. Probably Stormwatch.