Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #33 (Early July, 1992)

Is this some kind of Kristallnacht subtext?

You can tell I'm a heterosexual male who's spent too many hours of my life in strip clubs because my first attempt at spelling "Kristallnacht" was "Krystalnacht".

For those young people who don't know anything about Kristallnacht (or just the superficial stuff), might I recommend the Wikipedia page on it or the local library and not trying to learn more about it via YouTube. But that's just me because I like to know more about reality and less about other whackjob's versions of reality as seen through being "red-pilled", the worst-named process in the history of the worrrrrrllldddd oh shit-well-don't-forget-to-look-up-Kristallnacht-because-I'm-being-dragged-away-by-a-tangentAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If one were to watch The Matrix with the realization of what being "red-pilled" meant in today's (or a not-so-long-ago vernacular, anyway), one would think that taking the red pill meant that you didn't want to know reality and would rather have your mind poisoned so that you'd be angry and fighting phantoms on the daily. So you'd watch the movie and realize that Neo's life at the beginning of the movie was reality. But by being red-pilled, he started to see imaginary enemies all around him, made-up by the angry assholes who convinced him to take the pill in the first place. He spirals into delusion and madness which eventually winds up in a mass killing. The woman stranger sitting by me when I first saw The Matrix in theaters when it was released, a woman I often make fun of because of her reaction, may have been more right than I knew when she gasped and said, "The trench coat and the shooting! It's like Columbine!" Being red-pilled isn't about understanding the world at all. It's about being driven crazy by stupid bullshit until you eventually break and kill other people and yourself because you couldn't find joy in reality. You could only find joy in anger and resentment.

Oh, I got here because I looked at the cover which says "JEW" backwards on the broken window of a high-end shop. I'm sure there's also some kind of pogrom or holocaust reading of The Matrix as well but I'm not going to look for it right now. After this, I have to re-read Steinbeck's To a God Unknown which I read about a month ago was left thinking, "Wait. What?" I think I have a bit of a grasp on it but I need to read it again with the half-formed ideas from the first read (actually second since I read it about 30 years ago).

Oh, so now Gotham has a jewel thief to deal with too?

If you own jewels and you learn that somebody has been going around stealing people's jewels while not harming them or destroying their property or kicking their dog, then you're not now living in fear. Thinking somebody might steal your jewels, one small percentage of your outrageous wealth, isn't fear, you soft, smelly pieces of fucking diaper fruit. You can't report on a jewel thief and claim people are living in fear when some other guy has been, for way more than just two weeks, killing elderly people. I guess if you're over 63 and you have a massive pile of jewels in your home, you now find yourself spending way more money each week on Depends than before. But that's about it! Don't fucking bung up my television programming by declaring rich people are living in fear because they might lose what amounts to pocket change. I'll tell you what I really think: rich people actually should be living in fear! Every fucking day of their lives should be ruined by the worry that the masses are going to relearn how to build guillotines.

Batman doesn't give a shit about a burglar (except that maybe his dick twitches at the hope it's Catwoman); he's busy not being able to stop Mr. Lime the Old People Killer. He's so frustrated that he's smashed up the entire Batcave. Or maybe Bruce Wayne smashed it up because he's so scared of his jewels being stolen.

The attitude you can show to your boss when you can't be fired because you know his deepest secrets.

I bet Alfred has a massive Henry Hoover but he's painted a bat cowl on it.

The Batsignal is just Gordon needing Batman's help to stop rich people being robbed. Batman tells him to fuck off because he's busy trying to deal with crime that actually matters. He suggests Gordon contact The Cavalier since that guy seems like the type who would love to beat up a non-violent criminal and later be showered with adulation from rich folks. Gordon's all, "Okay. Sorry I bothered you but you know the police are really only here to protect rich people's property. I get that's not what Batman's about. You must not be a rich guy, I guess."

The Cavalier is currently busy telling criminals that drugs are bad and to not do drugs after he's beaten the shit out of them. I don't know about you but I'd rather let some people in Gotham do drugs than worry about people who do drugs getting fucking destroyed by some fop with a thin mustache in a bandanna. I know it's not an either/or situation but also if there wasn't a guy beating people up, I still wouldn't care about people doing drugs. Now I'm thinking there should have been an '80s anti-crack campaign that could have had Marie Antoinette saying, "Let them do coke."

The burglar who probably isn't The Cavalier, I'm totally sure of it, works for an evil man named Randolph Salt. I know he's evil because James Robinson spent several narration boxes describing how some people are evil and then other people are, like, really super evil! And Randolph Salt is one of those super evil types. Also he's basically white he's so pale which means he's not full of life's passionate juices. He's a dry, husk of a man. But he has something that the burglar wants and will only give it to him after he does one more major burglary. I hope it's not WayneTech or Bruce Wayne's mansion!

Oh yeah! I'd forgotten how the last issue ended because my brain had to process so much Objectivist bullshit in the interim! Cavalier had saved that super pale woman from killing herself. Could she be a relation of Randolph Salt, a man so evil that he drove her to suicide? And now is he working for him to earn her safety? I don't know because I stopped reading the comic book to write all of this speculation!

While The Cavalier obsesses over the woman he found and subsequently politely kidnapped, I guess, The Batman thinks he's figured out Mr. Lime's next victim!

Mr. Lime decided to just start shooting people now because there were too many variables in setting fires and hits-and-runs so Batman's a little more focused on events like these.

Batman hangs upside down over the stage like, um, a kid on a jungle gym is probably the best way to describe it. He's ready to stop Mr. Lime's faster-than-sound rifle bullet before it hits its so-fucking-old target. Nobody notices him up with the lights even though his cape hangs down about twelve feet. I guess it just looks like more stage curtains.

This motherfucker's talking about Batman Returns (in theaters now (back then!)!), isn't he?! Let him die, Bruce!

Batman notices the podium is ticking and he swoops down to save the old guy before it explodes. In the explosion, a piece of debris nails Batman in the base of the skull. He notices Ameche, the actor, is okay but Batman struggles to get up. Oh fuck. He'd better go to the hospital or he's going to go the way of Bob Saget and thousands of people's elderly grandfathers who fell off of ladders and were all, "No, no! I'm all right! Just a little Easter egg on the old noggin'!"

While Batman shivers and can't see straight and tries not to vomit on the old guy, the burglar begins their final burglary before Randolph Salt will give them whatever the burglar seems to need from them. Probably Ellen the Suicidal Pale Girl's freedom. While trying to steal the massive gem from a museum, he slips, falls, and sets off all the alarms. By the time he gets to the roof, the cops are there with spotlights. They light up his face and his whole life turns to shit because he fell in love with the wrong suicidal woman.

I mean, maybe don't wear your hero mask to your crime?

Nobody knew who the fuck you were, dude. You get arrested? You probably don't kill your career as The Cavalier if you leave the mask at home. But I guess this is the kind of shoddy planning you'd get from a guy named The Cavalier! Now the big dumb idiot is going to have to fight Batman. Luckily, Batman's had a recent head injury so the battle should be fairly even!

Batman knows he should be home getting a nice massage from Alfred but he's going after this non-violent thief who even the cops identified as committing the recent burglary crime spree because Batman can't stand being fooled. Batman's about to get himself killed from a swollen brain because his widdle bitty feewings were hurt when he was lied to by The Cavalier. On the other side of the chase, The Cavalier's just happy to have his adrenaline pumping. Motherfudging stuntmen, amirite?!

I'm publishing this post before the Watershed so I had to tone down some of my bloody swears. I was talking about the American watershed which doesn't exist but also where the simple word "bloody" isn't a stupid swear word. Not that American broadcasting doesn't care about airing adult material! They totally fucking care because they suck which is why I watch so much British television. But if America had to acknowledge a watershed, it would be from 10 PM to 6 AM. But, again, even at those hours, prudes gonna prude to the FCC by letters and emails.

The Cavalier throws a knife at Batman that disables his one-man Batcopter which crashes to the . . . what? Oh yeah! You want to see Batman's stupid solo copter? Or is it cute and adorable? I'm struggling as to how masculine or feminine I should be about the copter. Part of me is all, "OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING ADORABLE! Why didn't Bruce paint it pink? Why isn't there a cute little chibi bat mascot on it?!" And the other half is all, "So stupid. It's totally stupid. How lame. Not cool at all. See how I'm not smiling even more than when I usually don't smile? I'm a fucking guy, man. I can't enjoy stuff. So stupid."

It's like a high chair for a big bat daddy.

The Batcopter may also be a flying toilet. Bats is definitely using it as a disabled vehicle here being that he can't swing on a rope without crashing through an apartment window.

Okay, so The Cavalier causes Batman's copter to crash but then Batman can't make his muscles work and he's about to die in the fiery wreckage. So The Cavalier, bewildered at Batman's inability to do anything cool, drags him from the fire and points out that he could have left him to die or killed him himself. So maybe take that into consideration maybe for when he's feeling better and winds up kicking the living shit out of him. Maybe go a little easy on him, you know?

Ellen tells The Cavalier to flee but he's all, "I have to get your ownership papers so we can fuck! It's totally worth maybe getting beaten by Batman and thrown in Blackgate!" And Ellen's lady place is all, "Whoosh!"

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #33 Rating: A. Was this entire series this good? Okay, minus the single issue "Family" by Hudnall which was just kind of bland. But James Robinson and Matt Wagner and Tim Sale? This is some great shit!