Thursday, July 30, 2020

Justice Society of America #9 (1993)

I bet Guy Gardner makes a "Wood is your biggest weakness!" joke.

Back in the late 80s/early 90s, there were two stories that every single DC comic book had to tell: the protagonist battles and defeats Lobo and the protagonist puts Guy Gardner in his place. The first one proved that the protagonist could beat the toughest bastich in the DC Universe. The second was just satisfying to a lot of customers. I hated every single one of these stories. Except maybe the Hitman story where they defeat Lobo by taking pictures of Bueno Excellente ass-fucking the unconscious Lobo. I don't think that's using rape in an offensive way because Lobo was a murderous, genocidal psychopath and Bueno Excellente loved to fuck things in the ass.

I suppose my love of Lobo and Guy Gardner in my teens and twenties says something unpleasant about me. But you can't deny that Lobo was the character every DC fan most wanted to fuck. And I mean every DC fan. I still find it weird that somebody could create a character that was both super sexy and also looked like a clown. And I just felt sympathy for Guy Gardner. These were the days before you had to account for mental illness and traumatic brain injury when assessing somebody's personality and attitude. But I was there for you, Guy! I knew what you'd been through and how unfairly everybody treated you! If only Harley Quinn could have been around to tell everybody to stop being so hard on Guy because he was suffering from severe brain trauma and couldn't help flying into rages on a near constant basis. Instead we just had Batman to lay Guy out in one punch and "fix" his personality until he was hit on the head again like some amnesiac Fred Flintstone.

When we last left the Justice Society of America, the people of Earth were being driven toward hatred due to the unearthing of Kulak by Hawkman and Hawkwoman. It reminds me of something that happened in 2016 but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

I suppose if comic book artists can't help making corpses sexy, I shouldn't be surprised that they're making me think about fucking a seventy year old.

I know Joan Garrick is just a fictional drawing but at least I'm honest about when fictional drawings of old people and corpses give me a boner.

"One cop's nightmare." Yeesh. I'm afraid to ask how this movie ends.

Doctor Mid-Nite relaxes at home listening to the radio while coming up with old man takes to impress his young assistant.

Just wait until he gets a load of Twitter and Internet memes!

Thunderbolt and his dull friend work out that some kind of sorcery is affecting the Justice Society members, causing everybody to despise them. But it doesn't seem super important so Johnny Thunder decides to leave it for morning. I can't blame him for not knowing the whole world can burn down in that time; he isn't outside the story like I am so he can't perceive the whole of it all. Normally I would blame him and call him an idiot but I'm feeling charitable tonight.

Thunderbolt does rush off to investigate because he senses something familiar. So at least the Hex Bolt is being cautious instead of lazy. And maybe Johnny isn't being lazy but have you seen the way he's drawn? It's not like he's in a hurry for anything except maybe a nap.

Meanwhile, a new program has popped up: Current Affairs Spotlight. It's basically the Kulak version of Fox News, reporting questions that they don't really want to answer but by simply asking them causes their audience to distrust the subject of the questions. On a related note, Sean Hannity is a huge piece of shit.

I mean, they do have "society" in their name. They were just asking for the socialist accusation.

Alan Scott smashes the television and flies off in a rage. I guess I know who else was watching that program and believed every bit of it because his traumatic brain injury causes problems with his ability to assess the validity of facts over propaganda! It seems like I know a lot of people like that these days.

I forgot Alan Scott runs a television station until he starts complaining about the propaganda airing on his station. He says, "I don't think that Molly should be censoring programming, but the station should have some standards. And she knows that report is sensational nonsense." Welcome to modern media, Alan! It's no longer up to the standards of the station to decide what bullshit should be shoveled onto the viewing public! Now it's just about how much money can be made on advertising while espousing some kind of freedom of speech fair exchange of ideas nonsense! It's exactly the problem that has been exploited by people who actually want less free speech. You muddy and obfuscate the truth by putting out whatever outlandish bullshit you can come up with and then if a station refuses to air it, you claim they're biased toward the side of the political spectrum you're trying to fuck over with your bullshit. I mean, that's Fox News. The other stations are the ones that have been cowed by Fox News into being horrible both sides news vehicles.

Guy Gardner attacks Alan on the way to the television station because Guy was watching the show, of course. Remember, random television news broadcasts was once how super heroes got all of their breaking news alerts! How could they fight crime otherwise?!

A man with a traumatic brain injury has the same general understanding of fascism and political theory as the average Fox News viewer.

Guy Gardner doesn't make a wood weakness joke because he doesn't know about Alan Scott. Len's idea for this battle was probably, "Guy can only beat Green Lanterns because he's cheating using that yellow ring! But now let's see him fight a fair fight against a Green Lantern!" Which is exactly what happens! Alan Scott gives Guy a lesson on how to be a Green Lantern. I'm sure later, when Guy isn't being manipulated by Kulak, he'll process the information and accept it as wise words and valued experience from an old timer. Or he'll just vent and fume and look for an occasion to get even with him.

After defeating Guy, all of the normal people on the street begin attacking the Justice Society and calling them fascists and commies. I'll accept their gullibility because it was caused by sorcery. Otherwise I'd be rolling my eyes at, once again, every regular citizen of the DC Universe being bamboozled by some demagogue.

Hawkman drives up to save the day but instead just drives everybody right into Kulak's clutches.

I am surprised that Thunderbolt being driven on a stake through his asshole made it into a Comics Code Authority book.

Justice Society of America #9 Rating: B+. Sure Guy Gardner got his ass kicked like usual but at least Guy Gardner was in the comic book! That totally made it worth it to me! Except for how he was portrayed and the lines they gave him and the assumption that everybody thinks he's stupid and the idea that his only redeeming quality is being tough. But he looked like Guy and they called him Guy and he made some yellow rockets with his ring! So cool!

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