Oh, so now I'm supposed to refer to this comic book as "The Darkstars"? I don't think so.
There's an ad for Passenger 57 on the back of this comic book and even though it's been decades since I've seen that movie, I still think it's the worst movie I've ever seen. I should probably rewatch it to make sure my opinion is still valid because since then, I have seen The Boondock Saints. If I remember correctly, in Passenger 57, Wesley Snipes is suffering from PTSD because he got his wife and/or some bystanders killed while trying to be a hero. Later in the movie, he's on a plane that's being hijacked and he gets a bunch of people killed while trying to be a hero. But this time it's different because he wasn't sleeping with them, maybe? That's not the worst part! The worst part is so bad that I must be misremembering it! It's how the plane lands at a fair so that Snipes can chase the bad guy on a Ferris Wheel and then they go back to the plane and it takes off again. That can't be right, can it?!
This issue begins with a great example of 90s art.
This issue begins with a great example of 90s art.
Maybe I'm wrong and this is good art because legs are actually that long compared to the torso. I'm not really a pictures critic; I'm a words critic!
I couldn't remember the title of The Boondock Saints so I Googled "terrible movie Saints" and Google was all, "Oh, you mean The Boondock Saints. Here is the IMDB link and a selection of every streaming service that is actually a toilet."
The Lawyer, White, hears a news report that says the jerk she got acquitted was the crime boss behind the Loco drug ring and I can't tell if she's devastated because she really didn't know he was a major criminal or she's devastated that everybody else now knows he was a major criminal. I'm pretty sure it's the second one. And also, she's not that devastated because she's still going to get paid for helping him avoid a murder charge. She'll make a great Darkstar.
The frantic and paranoid guy in space tries to contact some Darkstars for help but they don't listen to his pleas to simply take him at his word and use deadly force on the aliens pursuing him. It makes me think maybe the Darkstars aren't the terrible fascist police I thought they were. They're actually acting rational and diplomatic!
The Lawyer, White, hears a news report that says the jerk she got acquitted was the crime boss behind the Loco drug ring and I can't tell if she's devastated because she really didn't know he was a major criminal or she's devastated that everybody else now knows he was a major criminal. I'm pretty sure it's the second one. And also, she's not that devastated because she's still going to get paid for helping him avoid a murder charge. She'll make a great Darkstar.
The frantic and paranoid guy in space tries to contact some Darkstars for help but they don't listen to his pleas to simply take him at his word and use deadly force on the aliens pursuing him. It makes me think maybe the Darkstars aren't the terrible fascist police I thought they were. They're actually acting rational and diplomatic!
I don't know if that Darkstar has a tiny head because of his alien physiognomy or because of 90s art.
Anyway, the Darkstars are killed because they didn't beat first and ask questions later. I guess this scene was just to get the audience to approve of future uses of excessive force. "The guys who didn't murder the possible criminals were killed! So of course these guys were just defending themselves when they slaughtered that bus full of schoolchildren headed nearly directly at them!"
The space guy shrugs and remembers that there's that green guy from Earth that could possibly help him. So I'm still guessing this guy is Evil Star. You might have wondered why I might guess that last issue. Now that you've seen the cover to this issue, you know why I guessed that.
Darkstar Colos explains to his new sidekicks, Homeless Mo and Detective Beer-and-Pretzels, that he's a member of an Intergalactic police force run by the Controllers. It's not that the Controllers care about a universe full of law and order; it's just that the Controllers don't want crime and poverty leaking into their section of space. So the Darkstars are like increased police patrols in inner city neighborhoods. If you didn't take that for the criticism it was and instead nodded your head thinking, "That makes sense," maybe this isn't the comic book blog for you.
Darkstar Colos extends his offer of sidekicking to his new Earth buddies and it's the best offer I've ever heard. Sure, they have to wear the terrible suits that I probably thought were cool in 1992 but they also get paid once a month in gold! Seriously! I don't think any other heroes get paid! Except for maybe Booster Gold in advertising revenue. I'm assuming they also get palm-masers so at least one of the is going to blow their junk off while jerking it.
Colos gets a call from his commanding officer alerting him to the approach of Evil Star and his Starling robot henchmen to Earth. Since the Green Lanterns were having issues in 1992, it's up to the Darkstars to apprehend Evil Star. They don't realize he has no idea who he is or what's going on and is being chased by his diminutive little robot monsters.
Lawyer Carla White has an attack of morality and quits her job. She acts like she didn't know all the unethical crap their family law firm was doing in defending their clients but I think it's all bullshit. She's just trying to save face after getting caught lying about some criminal piece of shit to reporters the previous day. Getting humiliated like that can sometimes be the best motivation.
Okay fine. She's probably actually a good person but she was just a bit naive. If she was being naive on purpose by simply ignoring it so that she could enjoy her family's money, can you blame her? At least now she's going to always do the right thing which includes never voting Republican again.
The guy who would be Evil Star crashes on Earth. While the Darkstars fight his little robot henchmen, he decides it was better to be a powerful immortal monster with a star on his face than a scared prisoner who once laughed at his wife and son dying of old age. He throws on his stupid star face and gets to work being evil or conquering the world or maybe just being immortal, I guess? I'm not too clear on his motivations.
Darkstars #3 Rating: B. Reading Darkstars has made me appreciate Green Lantern more. This series seems more like a cop procedural on Network television. Too many scenes with lawyers and crime bosses and not enough scenes with magic rings battling aliens. Hopefully that will change next issue now that Evil Star has arrived to really comic book up the plot.
The space guy shrugs and remembers that there's that green guy from Earth that could possibly help him. So I'm still guessing this guy is Evil Star. You might have wondered why I might guess that last issue. Now that you've seen the cover to this issue, you know why I guessed that.
Darkstar Colos explains to his new sidekicks, Homeless Mo and Detective Beer-and-Pretzels, that he's a member of an Intergalactic police force run by the Controllers. It's not that the Controllers care about a universe full of law and order; it's just that the Controllers don't want crime and poverty leaking into their section of space. So the Darkstars are like increased police patrols in inner city neighborhoods. If you didn't take that for the criticism it was and instead nodded your head thinking, "That makes sense," maybe this isn't the comic book blog for you.
Darkstar Colos extends his offer of sidekicking to his new Earth buddies and it's the best offer I've ever heard. Sure, they have to wear the terrible suits that I probably thought were cool in 1992 but they also get paid once a month in gold! Seriously! I don't think any other heroes get paid! Except for maybe Booster Gold in advertising revenue. I'm assuming they also get palm-masers so at least one of the is going to blow their junk off while jerking it.
Colos gets a call from his commanding officer alerting him to the approach of Evil Star and his Starling robot henchmen to Earth. Since the Green Lanterns were having issues in 1992, it's up to the Darkstars to apprehend Evil Star. They don't realize he has no idea who he is or what's going on and is being chased by his diminutive little robot monsters.
Lawyer Carla White has an attack of morality and quits her job. She acts like she didn't know all the unethical crap their family law firm was doing in defending their clients but I think it's all bullshit. She's just trying to save face after getting caught lying about some criminal piece of shit to reporters the previous day. Getting humiliated like that can sometimes be the best motivation.
Okay fine. She's probably actually a good person but she was just a bit naive. If she was being naive on purpose by simply ignoring it so that she could enjoy her family's money, can you blame her? At least now she's going to always do the right thing which includes never voting Republican again.
The guy who would be Evil Star crashes on Earth. While the Darkstars fight his little robot henchmen, he decides it was better to be a powerful immortal monster with a star on his face than a scared prisoner who once laughed at his wife and son dying of old age. He throws on his stupid star face and gets to work being evil or conquering the world or maybe just being immortal, I guess? I'm not too clear on his motivations.
Darkstars #3 Rating: B. Reading Darkstars has made me appreciate Green Lantern more. This series seems more like a cop procedural on Network television. Too many scenes with lawyers and crime bosses and not enough scenes with magic rings battling aliens. Hopefully that will change next issue now that Evil Star has arrived to really comic book up the plot.
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