Monday, May 4, 2020

Star Trek: The Next Generation, S1, E7: "Justice"

For some reason, this episode is the one I remembered most from my last viewing of the series. And I say "for some reason" because I don't want admit it's due to the skimpy outfits worn by the men and women who run everywhere and constantly ask the crew of the Enterprise if they're ready to fuck. Every time I see this episode, I wonder how many local syndicates refused to air it. "This week on Star Trek: The Next Generation, the crew of the Enterprise take shore leave on an orgy planet where we learn that Klingons choke each other near to death when they fuck."

We don't actually learn what Klingons do when they fuck; we only learn that Worf proclaims that non-Klingons couldn't handle his passion and his huge spiny cock. Okay, we don't learn about Worf's cock either but you know it's terrifying.

If I was initially confused as to why Netflix chose to rate Star Trek: The Next Generation "sex, fear," then the episode "Justice" cleared up that confusion. The orgy planet Edo invites travelers from across the galaxy to come fuck the entirety of its populace because they have no laws and no standards. Well, actually, they have one law and it's a fucking doozy. It's such a doozy that they don't announce it to the people beaming down to their planet with raging boners.

No wait. I got it wrong. The planet Edo has one punishment: death. Apparently they have a whole bunch of fucking laws that nobody breaks because the punishment is death. It's like Singapore in space but with more sex and less Singapore Slings. You would think more people would have stumbled into this death penalty but I guess most visitors to the planet are too busy getting their asses licked to accidentally break any of the planet's laws. Plus the penalty for breaking a law is like the lottery: only random sections of the planet are being monitored at any one time and you're only convicted if you break a law in an area currently being monitored. That's the whole premise for the planet being so peaceful. Nobody does anything wrong because they might be killed. And yet, what's the difference if the entire planet were constantly monitored instead of certain sections? I guess the difference is the amount of person hours needed for surveillance. It's just more economical.

Being that everybody is almost constantly fucking and fucking isn't against the law, nobody breaks any laws. People also run from one place to the next for some reason that I either missed because I was gawping at the barely covered women's asses and the barely covered men's moose knuckles or which is never explained. I suppose I would run everywhere as well if I was going from one place where I just got fucked to another place where I was going to get fucked again.

This would have been the greatest episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation if only they'd left Wesley Crusher aboard the Enterprise. But instead they decide to bring a minor to a fuck planet because this is the 24th Century and they've jettisoned all of Earth's ancient prudish beliefs and behaviors. The people of Edo aren't sure how humans react to their youth being fucked by adults so they compensate by sending Wesley off with a coterie of Edo teenagers. But instead of going off and getting a handjob in a bush like any other teenager from any century across Earth's history, Wesley decides to teach the Edo kids how to play catch. It's a fucking travesty! For all the reasons modern viewers despise the character of Wesley Crusher, I never see any of them point to this episode where the idiot would rather play catch than get jerked off by five other young people. I was fine with Wesley as a character until this episode where he puts everybody's lives at risk and forces Picard to break the Prime Directive simply because he was too uncomfortable to get a handy.

I've already explained the best parts of this episode (the constant sex) so there really isn't much more to say. Wesley breaks a law by accidentally falling on some mini-greenhouses. He's sentenced to death and Picard has to beam down to the planet and demand they return Wesley unharmed. The people of Edo are all, "Dude. We can't do that. We have a god that's actually a satellite who will fucking destroy you if you break our one law and/or punishment. Whatever. We were just minding our own business licking buttholes and you've messed it all up!" But Picard, wanting to get fucked by Beverly and not by a bunch of random hot people on Edo, risks everybody's life by declaring he will break the Prime Directive to save the young man. The main problem is that the Francis E. Dec God Satellite is judging Picard by Picard's own beliefs. So if Picard breaks the Prime Directive, the God Satellite will have reason to destroy them for not playing fair. But Picard is willing to take that risk. Luckily, Riker pipes up with some sentimental human nonsense about true justice and the God Satellite decides that it was being unfair. It lets them all go and the only stain left over from the entire experience is how little Jean-Luc Picard respects the Federation's Prime Directive. It's almost as if Edo's one law came into conflict with Starfleet's one law and Picard decided neither were worth upholding.

Not that I'm against Picard's decision! I fucking can't stand the way people decide to base everything they believe on some kind of unchanging foundational belief structure. You can't have true justice without treating every individual situation as just that: an individual situation with its own set of variables which make it different from every other situation that is somewhat similar to it. Precedents in court decisions simply exist to make future court decisions easier. But they rarely overlap completely and in such a manner as to completely wipe out possible exemptions and extenuating circumstances. Picard was right to challenge both Edo's law and the Prime Directive in this instance. Wesley could not have known about the planet's law because nobody told it to him. Also, Wesley didn't break any law with any intent or malice. It was an absolute accident and for the entire populace of Edo to just shrug that off because that's the way things are and because they're super horny to get back to fucking was unjust. Just as it would have been unjust for Picard to shrug off saving Wesley due to the Prime Directive demanding he obey every stupid law of every stupid planet on which they're guests. And maybe that's why the name of this episode was "Justice." Because Picard and Riker's speech prove that the only true justice is examining the situation at hand and coming to a conclusion based on the variables presented in that situation alone.

The episode should end with Picard taking a huge shit on a Starfleet manual but it doesn't for some reason. Super disappointing.

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