Friday, February 14, 2020

Young Heroes in Love #1

Simon Bisley was busted for drawing a penis in Lobo's musculature but it's okay for Dev Madan to draw this filth?!

Obviously I picked up this comic book because the first word on the cover was sex. Also the drippy post-sex penis bottle. I'm not the only one who sees that and immediately thinks, "Oh yeah. That's a penis going flaccid after sex and leaking the last of its cum shot," right? And the wine glass full of jizz is, well, I've gotten too graphic already! Kids read this blog! Nasty, dirty pervert kids.

What if I really did care about kids reading this blog? What kind of pressure do people put on themselves when they're constantly thinking of the children? Or do people only consider the children when they see somebody else doing something they don't approve of? That feels more like the society I know.

Out in Portland, we currently have billboards for Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Being an adult person without kids and never thinking of children at all in any way (my home is probably the least child safe space on the inner three planets), I never would have thought twice about the title of that musical. But apparently my 11 year old niece asked her mother, "What's an angry inch?" I didn't find out how she explained it but I would have said, "It's a sideways grimace on an eyeless face. Just a little bulge, honey. Now shut up." My point is that it's a complicated, adult world out there and anybody who ever uses the argument, "What about the children?", can go fuck themselves. Besides, you can't hide stuff that you think is inappropriate from kids. The simple act of trying to hide something or expressing disapproval of something to kids will cause the kids to suss out the thing you're keeping from them. Back in 2nd Grade, my class was in the yard flying paper airplanes. Mine was terrible and when it crashed instantly, I yelled, "Mine sucks the big one!" I had no idea that was somehow a dirty phrase until my teacher yelled at me for having said it and punished me by sitting on the bench for the rest of the activity. Sitting on that bench confused, I had plenty of time to work out in my head what could have been so filthy about the thing I said. I had no knowledge of oral sex or sexual pleasure, for that matter, but I'm pretty sure I worked out that "the big one" was probably a penis. Especially since I couldn't imagine why somebody would suck on a penis which must have been why the phrase was used for something terrible. Who would want to suck on a penis? Especially a big one!

It's entirely possible that I didn't completely work that out back then and my memory of the moment has changed through the lens of adult knowledge. But I definitely know that I didn't know what I was saying was wrong until I was punished for saying it. It probably wasn't long after that that I wrote on the sidewalk in front of Peter Martin's house, in pencil, "Fuck Peter Martin." Why? Who the fuck knows?! Do you need a reason to do anything as a kid? Kids are fucking chaotic, man.

If I had to rate this comic book after reading just the first page, I'd give it an A+.

The three characters being introduced on this page are Off-Ramp, Thunderhead, and Monstergirl's ass. I'm super into one of those characters.

These young heroes not yet in love are waiting for more heroes to arrive so that maybe they can fall in love. Also, "fall in love" is probably a euphemism because DC wouldn't let Dan Raspler call this comic book "Young Heroes Sucking Each Other Off and Fingering Buttholes."

The next three members of the team are Hard Drive, Bonfire, and Junior. Hard Drive has telekinetic powers which doesn't match his name so I'm assuming "Hard Drive" has to do with his sexual potency. Bonfire is a woman with fire powers and a skimpy suit. Junior is a teeny tiny guy who maybe has no powers? He's just the size of a mouse. He calls himself "The man of several inches" which is probably a sex joke but not a very good one?

Off-Ramp is a teleporter, Thunderhead has super strength, and Monstergirl turns into a monster. So she's even sexier than I first thought! I'd bang the Loch Ness Monster if it had an ass like that.

Bonfire and Monstergirl rush off to the side to talk about the boys the way all female characters do because that's what females do in real life. At least I think it must be because that's what all female characters do and why would female characters be so different than actual females? That would be incredibly damaging! Just imagine boys growing up reading women written by men if men weren't trying to accurately portray women! Do you realize how that could cause them to objectify women and treat them as lesser beings without any personal agency? I mean if they had any! Obviously they don't because I've been reading women characters written by men my whole life and all they do is talk about what boys they want to smooch. They're so adorable!

The final member of the team: Pierced Erect Nipple Boy!

Frostbite is so gay that Off-Ramp just teleported his dick straight up Frostbite's asshole. Oh yeah, Off-Ramp is gay too, if I remember correctly. I have a terrible memory for comic books but I have a great memory for gay characters due to my letter writing campaigns telling DC Comics they were going to Hell for publishing this filth. "Dear DC," I would say politely before becoming a raving bigot, "I am perplexed as to why you think us macho straight readers would want to read about two gay men doing things to each other that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting and makes me think being straight is a mistake and a huge waste of my time. Imagine how many times I would have been laid by now if I were gay! Probably a lot because other men are probably a lot like me and want to have sex too with whoever will let them. The trouble is that no women are letting me! Especially the ones I want to let me! And now I have to see Frostbite and Off-Ramp jerking each other off and licking each other's balls and putting things in each other's butts and kissing passionately and falling in love and having a real, intimate connection with another human being. How unfair is that to me, a virgin heterosexual?! Please do not do anymore gay things in your comic book until I have had sex. Although I would not mind seeing Nightwing fuck Deathstork because that would not be gay at all. If it's super hot gay sex, it transcends being gay or straight and becomes gayterosexual. Is that a thing or am I just gay? Please respond!"

After they pick up Frostbite, Monstergirl and Bonfire rush off to prove that they're individuals by engaging in a conversation that doesn't involve which hoobaloo they're going to stick up their thingablob.

Oh wait. Maybe I was thinking of a later scene.

To be fair to whomever it seems I'm not being fair to, Thunderhead and Junior rush off to discuss in which thingablob they're going to stick their hoobaloo.

Hard Drive gets Bonfire alone and uses his psychic powers on her to make her attracted to Thunderhead. It seems ominous, especially since he keeps saying, "For the good of the team," but maybe he's just trying to save her feelings so she doesn't fall for the gay guy. Or maybe he's just afraid if the fire powered woman and the ice powered man have sex, something other than sexual organs is going to explode.

After Hard Drive gives his big speech to rally the troops, he rushes off to fuck Monstergirl.

"Dear DC," my letter began, "I am perplexed as to why you think us virginal comic book readers would want to see two heterosexuals doing things that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting...".

Young Heroes in Love #1 Rating: A+! Happy Valentines Day!

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