Metamorpho #3

The deadliest element is knives!

When we last left Metamorpho, he was waiting to be proud of his son's first murder. See, little Joe has the power to turn anything he touches into any element (like knives!). And Seamus the bad guy had a gun up to little Joe's head. That meant Seamus was in physical contact with little Joe. You can probably work out the rest of what's about to happen yourself. I gave you all of the pertinent details!

Jillian also apparently lied when she said she put out most of the fire last issue. Or she doesn't know the meaning of most. Or she thought too much about oxygen when she was trying to turn into carbon dioxide. What I'm saying is she fucked up because look at all of that fire.

Joey turns the gun into gas and then turns O'Grady's jacket into acid. Not the good kind of acid where you turn on and tune out and beginning wondering why people have so many fingers. It's the kind of acid that we as a society feel teenagers are responsible enough to handle in science class. I don't know how Joey knows about acid though. Metamorpho did say his powers work in reverse. Maybe he has to think about milk to create acid, and poop to create gas. Those are probably the only two things he can create with his powers. Which is too bad for incest pervert Simon Stagg because he wants his grandson to create gold. But what's the opposite of gold? Texas tea?

Rex learns that O'Grady sold the Orb of Ra to Egyptian Emir Abd al-Aziz. He's a collector of artifacts who probably uncollected the Orb of Ra to Ra's al Ghul because this is only four pages into the third issue. Unless Abd is one of those guys who is always forcing people to do favors for him before he does a favor for them. So Metamorpho will probably have to go to Hell to retrieve a rare demon's skull before he can get the orb. Is this that kind of comic book? Does Metamorpho fit in with DC's magic heroes? His origins are sort of mystical.

Nothing so dramatic happens. It seems Mark Waid doesn't understand the extent to which comic book stories can be pushed. Instead, he writes some sensible plot about how the Orb of Ra was switched by some other scheming collector from Casablanca who was authenticating it. And instead of Simon Stagg's dick being cut off by Sapphire as he tries to incest her, it remains between his legs as he flies to Casablanca to get his hands back on the Orb of Ra. And Sapphire stows away on his plane because that's believable. That wasn't sarcastic! That was proof that Mark Waid doesn't realize he's writing comic books! Doesn't he know that Sapphire could have contacted Java's ghost to provide her with passage through the land of the Neanderthal dead where, due to the physical restrictions in the astral plane, she'd have to wear nothing but a bikini made from Woolly Mammoth fur?

I think I just discovered why I think so many comics are terrible! Because I'm judging them by what I think they should be! And if Sapphire Stagg isn't wearing a Woolly Mammoth thong, why the fuck am I even reading this?!

In Casablanca, Rex learns that the Orb was sold to an Egyptian cult who put the Orb of Ra back in the pyramid where it was stolen. But Rex also learns that the Ra can only be used once to reverse the transformation. Jillian was going to use it on herself and leave Rex and Joey in the cold. Although, who even knows if it would work on Joey! Maybe Rex would be better off just buying the kid a ton of gloves.

Jillian and Rex get into a metamorphosis battle on page 18. This is the kind of stuff that I read Metamorpho comic books for and Mark Waid doesn't include it until the comic book is almost over? But he has plenty of time for Rex to visit an Emir's treasure room only to find it was a dead end and then to travel to Casablanca to re-enact a scene from every movie that ever had a scene in a small cafe in Northern Africa before finally getting around to the scene where two people who can transform into anything they want fight! Hopefully Mark Waid has taken some "Better Use of Comic Book Pages" classes since 1993.

I would have enjoyed 24 pages of this with little to no plot advancement.

I know that previous caption probably flies in the face of something I've said in over 3700 other comic book commentaries. But sometimes, as human beings, we contradict ourselves without becoming hypocrites. Only fools live by rules built up from a solid foundation! You have to take every experience and judge it for its own particulars. In this case, I'd rather see two Metamorphos battle for twenty pages than read a coherent plot that relies on all the old international art theft tropes. These last two issues were essentially just filler as Rex Mason chases down leads to find the Orb of Ra. Why couldn't those two issues be all bar brawl and battle of the two metamorphs?! Then when Metamorpho is finally defeated (because that's a comic book rule: the hero must be down and out just before the final issue of the story where they will rise in triumph), the reader can learn that Jillian was working with incestuous corporate devil Simon Stagg all along!

Metamorpho #3 Rating: C+. I guess the story about what a father would do for his child wasn't as emotionally gripping as I was hoping it would be. So far, it's been mostly Metamorpho turning into soft things that his son can fall on while yelling, "Whee!" Maybe my almost certainly non-existent heartstrings will get tugged in the final issue!