Thursday, June 13, 2019

Team Titans #22

Team Titans is an anagram for "this could have been a good comic book but the execution was completely fucked up from the start."

The issue opens on Qurac which has become a nuclear holocaust. I'm sure I read the comic book where Qurac was nuked but, just like every other comic book I've ever read, I can't remember it. The ephemeral nature of comic book (at least within my own sphere) makes me wonder how shocked comic book editors were when they first began to realize readers cared about continuity.

Editor #1: "Why the fuck are the majority of our letters complaints about Batman's admission to loving rhubarb?!"
Editor #2: "Apparently we showed him spitting out one of Alfred's rhubarb sandwiches seventeen months ago!"
Editor #1: "Oh fuck! We need to fix this! What's the best way to explain it away?!"
Editor #2: "How about we say the original story took place on an alternate Earth?"
Editor #1: "Brilliant! That'll fix our entire universe! If we make a mistake, we can just create a new Earth! Crisis averted!"

Even at the time this comic book was published, I bet if I were reading another title that simultaneously stated Qurac was a thriving 20th century Garden of Eden, I wouldn't have fucking noticed. No, wait. I'm sure I would have noticed and my friend Brent and I would have joked about it and laughed at DC's incompetence. What I meant to say is that I wouldn't have fucking cared.

Some hero named Chimera (not the Quraci villain Chimera from Jihad! Probably!) lands a pegasus amid the radioactive rubble to save all of the innocent children. She opens a doorway to a wonderful world (probably the Garden of Eden version of Qurac as seen in Adventures of Superman #42 from the same month) but they refuse to flee the people who need their help. It might be a noble decision (although not too realistic. What kind of kid makes noble decisions?! Farty twatty nerds, that's who!) but it's the second worst decision of their lives (the worst decision of their lives was choosing to be born in Qurac). A pack of wild were-animals descend on Chimera and the children. The creatures devour the pegasus in front of their shocked or entertained faces.

If you can tell whether this kid is shocked or entertained, you're a better comic book reader than I am. And I'm a Grandmaster!

Meanwhile in New York, I'm faced with a similar conundrum.

If you can tell whether Killowat shit himself or had a wet dream, blah blah know the rest.

Little kids enjoying cannibalism (sort of? Were-creatures eating a Pegasus counts, right?), Killowat blowing his load so hard it wakes up the rest of the Titans, and now this:

I'm glad Fredric Wertham wasn't alive to see this debauchery!

The Team Titans have been put up in an old YMCA because they knew Prester Jon would fit in. The place is falling apart and there are *GASP* sex workers right outside! They're all disappointed that they survived the black hole because what kind of life is this? What did they expect, a mansion that's also a secret school for heroes from the future? A crumbling old YMCA should be exactly what they expected seeing that Terra describes their new gig working for the government as indentured servitude. Maybe there's a dictionary definition of "indentured servitude" that I missed?

It's a good thing I learned how to type decades ago because I've just removed my eyes with some fabric scissors. Thanks, Urban Dictionary Rabbit Hole, for teaching me about My Little Pony crotchboobs!

The drama between Redwing and Prester Jon continues because it's always nice to have drama that doesn't make any sense in a comic book and drag it on for several issues without explanation. Finding out that my sister could grow huge claws, pointy ears, and wings would be the least unsettling revelation I've ever received from her. Why the fuck is Prester Jon making such a huge deal out of it? In a world where Prester Jon dealt with hundreds of different superheroes on a daily basis, why would this change be so unsettling? Unless...of course! Prester Jon is sexually attracted to women with huge talons and pointy ears! Oh yeah! This is going to get incest! I mean good!

The Team also manages to discuss earthquake preparedness because I guess some of DC's funding comes from Public Broadcasting grants?

Over on Titans Island, the CIA have gathered a group of Team Titans together for their first black ops mission. The team will be lead by Aqualad and is composed of Mirage, The Human Mystery, Shockadelica, Wonder Boy, and Green. I can't believe I just listed a group of characters that include names like Shockadelica, Wonder Boy, and Green, and I'm mostly upset about Aqualad.

Hopefully Mirage will tell somebody what she did with Deathwing! That's the only mystery I care about solving before this series ends.

Hmm, apparently the mission is just sticking them on the Titans sub to wait for orders. Stupid comic book misleading me into repeating the "black ops" lie!

Meanwhile in Seattle, Bumblebee and Herald will be leading another team composed of Metallik and Hero X. Maybe others but they're not named.

A team in Torrance, California, learns how much people in the DC Universe hate super-heroes because editors at DC Comics have no clue what the whole medium has historically been about. Forget about inspiring heroes dedicating their life to helping make the world better. It's much easier to add drama if people hated and feared the heroes! So many assholes decided that the X-Men worked and thought the mutant premise could just translate to regular super-heroes. Plus it doesn't help when every other Superman story involves Superman being manipulated by a villain to use his powers against the people of the world. Stop giving the people of the world excuses to hate the heroes. Even I would hate Superman if his ego wouldn't allow him to leave Earth because he was a danger to it. Get the fuck away from humanity until you find a way to stop being hypnotized by magic villains, you fucking piece of shit!

Um, Flamebird leads the Torrance team, composed of Nightrider, Battalion, Murder Master, some Judge and Jury member, and some other blockhead. No wonder everybody in Torrance hates the Team Titans (and the democrats, apparently)! They've shuttled all of the terrifying characters to the Torrance team!

I guess I missed something over in the Darkstars comic because Donna Troy has decided to leave Terry and her baby to join the Darkstars. I can't say I disagree with that decision. Fuck Terry!

Terra, Redwing, Prester Jon, Lapidus, and Killowat head to Qurac because remember how the comic book started there? They discover Chimera who must be a Team Titan because she knows their names and they recognized her dead pegasus. The Were-Creatures overpower them and they escape into a fortified building. But once inside, they discover Redwing has completely mutated too. The worst part is that Prester Jon calls her a hideous thing. She's going to remember that comment for sure.

Team Titans #22 Rating: C-. Ignoring all of the plot stuff that annoyed me, I'm simply grading this comic book on one point: one of the Titans is called Murder Master and they held a press conference to introduce this guy to the community he'll be living in. And that community was already up in arms about the democrats taking away all of their military jobs! "Hey, angry people of Torrance! Here's your new local superhero team that will help protect your community! Battalion, a big gruff grizzly bear that probably hates you and would love to punch you in the face! Nightrider, a vampire that has just recently remembered he loves the taste of human flesh! A member of Judge and Jury, the bad guy Team Titans team that kills other Team Titans! And Murder Master, the master of murder! Don't you all feel safer now?!"

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