The next article by Dale A. Donovan and Steven E. Schend is called "The Marvel-Phile: Building Better Mousetraps — or Better Villains." They decide — against the wisdom of most writing courses I've not taken — to completely throw out their credibility in the second paragraph. "Some of [Marvel's villains], however, verge on being laughable in the light of the modern day. Today, the Fantastic Four battles against Terrax and the Super Skrull, both of whom are great villains." Excuse me. Did you say Super Skrull was a great villain? Tell me again how having the ability to turn one leg invisible while the other one is on fire makes a great super villain? It's also possible that I'm completely judging Super Skrull by the lyrics to Ookla the Mok's song about him. It's possible Dale and Steven know what they're talking about and I'm the one who has no clue!
Dale and Steve have some tips for making memorable villains that your players won't laugh at. If I simply list them, you might find yourself agreeing with them and not thinking they're terrible suggestions. So instead, I'll quote them before acting like they've just written the worst suggestion or paraphrase them so that they sound fucking ridiculous.
Tip #1: "Find a gimmick that's quick, effective, and memorable. People remember Mr. Fear's fear gas." Or Mr. Fist's fist fighting. Or Mr. Murder's murder blade. Or Mr. Amnesia's amnesia bomb. No wait. Nobody remembers that one. Poor example.
Tip #2: Don't make the villain a fatty who can't fight. When Superman punches the villain, the reader shouldn't be thinking, "I hope Superman didn't just commit manslaughter!" Although when Batman does the same thing, the reader should be thinking, "Batman just fucking committed manslaughter!" But it doesn't count as Batman killing somebody if they die from their wounds later because America's healthcare system is terrible and the villain couldn't afford to have his ruptured spleen treated. Batman can't solve all of the world's problems! He's trying to keep Gotham's alleys safe so distracted rich people can walk down them without being murdered.
Tip #3: "Find a distinctive name and look for the crook that people will remember and respect." People remember and respect Mr. Fear because of his fear gas. And his name, probably! This tip is totally different from Tip #1. Don't @ me.
After completely transforming everybody's Marvel Role-playing experiences with these generous tips, Deve and Stale proceed to punch up some of the old, crappy villains from the Marvel Universe. First up is Invincible Man. How the fuck do you punch up Invincible Man?! Make him less invincible so the players don't throw their character sheets in the trash as soon as he turns up in the campaign? No, Dale and Steve are mostly just concerned with how terrible his costume looks to modern eyes. Also they figure, once you've changed the look of the costume, you might as well change the stupid name. So basically they're saying, "Just make another villain. This one is dumb." Thanks, guys!
The next villain looking to be modernized is Porcupine. Since he's dead, Steve-Dale suggest that somebody else use his armor which is a great suggestion! They also believe the name Porcupine is pretty stupid and I agree. But they think changing his name to Spike or Quill would make him more memorable. This article was written in 1992. What fucking comic books were these guys reading?! Obviously the new Porcupine would have to be named Death-Quill or Blood Spike or Genocide or Really Late Term Abortion Provider. It's also strange that Steve-Dale haven't suggested adding more pockets and belts of ammo to the costume.
Finally, Steve-Dale just design a couple new villains as a way to prove that they're better at creating new villains than all the other game referees out there. Why else would they feel they needed to suggest to Marvel Role-playing referees that they can design new villains? Isn't that the whole premise of this game?! Do they think most people purchased this game so they can have a set of canonical rules to determine if Logan's claws really could pierce Steve Rogers' shield? And just in case the players and referees reading this article are really stupid, they remind readers that "these two characters are not part of the Marvel Universe and have no place in official Marvel Comics continuity." How fucking arrogant are these guys?! They believe their creations will be on par with Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby and readers will mistake them for official creations? Not that Stan, Steve, or Jack ever created a hero or villain as exciting as any Blood-Whatever or Death-Something that came out of Image in the 90s. Fucking old school hacks! How did they not see the potential of this medium they practically created all of the rules for?! Heroes should be murder monsters! Duh!
Dale and Steve have some tips for making memorable villains that your players won't laugh at. If I simply list them, you might find yourself agreeing with them and not thinking they're terrible suggestions. So instead, I'll quote them before acting like they've just written the worst suggestion or paraphrase them so that they sound fucking ridiculous.
Tip #1: "Find a gimmick that's quick, effective, and memorable. People remember Mr. Fear's fear gas." Or Mr. Fist's fist fighting. Or Mr. Murder's murder blade. Or Mr. Amnesia's amnesia bomb. No wait. Nobody remembers that one. Poor example.
Tip #2: Don't make the villain a fatty who can't fight. When Superman punches the villain, the reader shouldn't be thinking, "I hope Superman didn't just commit manslaughter!" Although when Batman does the same thing, the reader should be thinking, "Batman just fucking committed manslaughter!" But it doesn't count as Batman killing somebody if they die from their wounds later because America's healthcare system is terrible and the villain couldn't afford to have his ruptured spleen treated. Batman can't solve all of the world's problems! He's trying to keep Gotham's alleys safe so distracted rich people can walk down them without being murdered.
Tip #3: "Find a distinctive name and look for the crook that people will remember and respect." People remember and respect Mr. Fear because of his fear gas. And his name, probably! This tip is totally different from Tip #1. Don't @ me.
After completely transforming everybody's Marvel Role-playing experiences with these generous tips, Deve and Stale proceed to punch up some of the old, crappy villains from the Marvel Universe. First up is Invincible Man. How the fuck do you punch up Invincible Man?! Make him less invincible so the players don't throw their character sheets in the trash as soon as he turns up in the campaign? No, Dale and Steve are mostly just concerned with how terrible his costume looks to modern eyes. Also they figure, once you've changed the look of the costume, you might as well change the stupid name. So basically they're saying, "Just make another villain. This one is dumb." Thanks, guys!
The next villain looking to be modernized is Porcupine. Since he's dead, Steve-Dale suggest that somebody else use his armor which is a great suggestion! They also believe the name Porcupine is pretty stupid and I agree. But they think changing his name to Spike or Quill would make him more memorable. This article was written in 1992. What fucking comic books were these guys reading?! Obviously the new Porcupine would have to be named Death-Quill or Blood Spike or Genocide or Really Late Term Abortion Provider. It's also strange that Steve-Dale haven't suggested adding more pockets and belts of ammo to the costume.
Finally, Steve-Dale just design a couple new villains as a way to prove that they're better at creating new villains than all the other game referees out there. Why else would they feel they needed to suggest to Marvel Role-playing referees that they can design new villains? Isn't that the whole premise of this game?! Do they think most people purchased this game so they can have a set of canonical rules to determine if Logan's claws really could pierce Steve Rogers' shield? And just in case the players and referees reading this article are really stupid, they remind readers that "these two characters are not part of the Marvel Universe and have no place in official Marvel Comics continuity." How fucking arrogant are these guys?! They believe their creations will be on par with Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby and readers will mistake them for official creations? Not that Stan, Steve, or Jack ever created a hero or villain as exciting as any Blood-Whatever or Death-Something that came out of Image in the 90s. Fucking old school hacks! How did they not see the potential of this medium they practically created all of the rules for?! Heroes should be murder monsters! Duh!
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