Saturday, January 12, 2019

Team Titans #12

Didn't the Team Titans change the present enough to erase the future that wants them dead?!

You can tell Marv Wolfman read the X-men story introducing Cable while massaging a gigantic boner because this comic book exists. The "gigantic" part of that previous sentence is pure speculation on my part. I'm assuming Marv Wolfman has a big cock because he had the confidence to write the Teen Titans in a way that portrayed them as a hazard to New York City and then had the nerve to invent the character of Councilwoman Alderman and portray her was a villain. That's some fucking chutzpah. She was the most sensible and level-headed character in the entire 120+ comic book run of The New Teen Titans!

But this is the Team Titans and it's so much worse. So, so much worse. The Team Titans is composed of characters from both the future and an alternate timeline. Mostly they had to be from an alternate timeline because Marv Wolfman had the tremendously huge cock gall to make them from the year 2001, only ten years into 1991's future. Who fucking writes a story about time travelers and then has them only travel back in time ten years?! The problem that Marv was dealing with was that he had Donna Troy's baby grow into an adult about five seconds after leaving her womb. That meant he began his evil villain machinations before he knew how awesome sex was. Not that the Lord Chaos we see in this comic book ever had sex anyway since he was, at most, ten years old and even Marv Wolfman wouldn't have written a story where a ten year old boy has sex with an adult woman! Who would ever think that would be a great plot point for a movie?!

Rest in peace, Penny! That pointed critique was for you!

Even though, as I pointed out, the characters in Team Titans realize they're not in the past of their timeline but in a completely different timeline altogether, Battalion decides it would be a good idea to introduce himself to the woman who was never actually his wife.

It doesn't go great.

This goes a long way toward exposing one of the worst tropes in romantic comedies. It puts the emphasis on the man's feelings of love. His love being reciprocated by the woman he adores is more important than the woman herself. Romantic comedies nearly all have one message: if the guy tries long enough and puts in enough effort, the woman he desires will eventually fall in love with him. It doesn't matter if the woman just thinks of him as a friend or is already married or has told him to fuck off numerous times simply because she's not interested and he's being a fucking creep. By the end of the movie, she'll have seen the light! His love is the truest love and he deserves to be fucked by her. But when the woman is the protagonist, the guy she loves and desires usually winds up being a fucking dick so she settles for the guy who loved her all along and she just didn't notice. Why can't the woman's love be so powerful that the good looking asshole she totally wants to fuck eventually comes around and falls for her? Oh, that's right. Because good looking assholes don't write sappy wish-fulfillment romantic comedies!

Anyway, Battalion, who looks like a gigantic fantasy dwarf, decides it's a good idea to go to this stranger's place of work and introduce himself as the man an alternate version of her loved. It only takes two pages for Essie to come around and be all, "You know what? I'm not afraid of you for some reason! I think I might even love you, you big brute! Make like a rapist nerd in a teen comedy and eat my pussy!"

"Please, Essie! Don't be rational! Listen to your love box! It knows you want me!"

The creepy woman watching is Kole, the most boring Titan (somehow just edging out Danny Chase, Aqualad, and Cyborg). She's come to stop Battalion from kidnapping and raping Esther. Or maybe to just watch? Because, even though I said earlier that in two pages Essie falls for Battalion, she doesn't really. She just decides to trust him. Which winds up being a huge mistake because Battalion freaks out and runs off with her. But she eventually convinces him that she's not the woman he thinks she is and they part amicably. She's a better person than I am! I would have at least tried to gouge out his eyes and cut off his dick.

While Battalion fails to shove his face in the first vagina he's ever been in close proximity to (because he's pretending to be that nerd from Revenge of the Nerds who, somehow, knows how to provide an excellent oral sex experience the first time out!), the Team Titans destroy another block of New York while fighting a person who arrived from the future to destroy them. So, you know, they're just like the Titans. They aren't actually protecting anybody in New York from harm. They're just saving their own asses and putting New York residents in danger. Councilwoman Alderman for president, please!

Team Titans #12 Rating: Battalion learns a little something about consent with the least amount of consequences ever. And the Team Titans learn that if a new character is introduced into a comic book with too many characters already, that character will be dying as quickly as possible. RIP Sunburst, we hardly knew your ballbag hanging slightly out of your boxers during the fight. I think Terra's tribute to him should go on his gravestone: "He was a whiner. Maybe even a loser. But Sunburst was cute." Has a writer ever captured the experience of being female as well as Marv Wolfman?!

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