Wednesday, January 9, 2019

New Titans #101

Dick Grayson probably should have been smart enough to realize Starfire would have taken the term "jerk-off" literally.

It's been awhile since I read New Titans #100 but I think it was the wedding issue where Raven raped Starfire while everybody watched. It was also the issue where the Titans didn't make the world a better place in the way you would expect a super hero group to do. Once again, they just caused a lot of drama while an innocent person died. But this comic book was targeted at teenagers and not at middle aged men so I can see the appeal since "causing a lot of drama while an innocent person dies" just about sums up the life of a teenager.

Speaking of rape (which I probably shouldn't be speaking of but here we are), what the fuck went down in Detective Comics #666?

Kelly Jones should, contractually, only be allowed to draw Killer Croc and Swamp Thing.

I read Knightfall but I don't remember Azrael sucking Bane's cock. It seems like something I would have remembered.

Starfire struggles with what Raven did to her and, to help her fight the trauma of Raven's rape, Phantasm forces his way into her mind. I guess it's like when you're afraid of spiders so some smart-ass therapist sticks you in a box full of spiders to cure you of your fear. Although it seems like being stuck in a box full of spiders would be the cause of my fear of spiders. Also, I might have just made up that scenario and nobody has ever been shoved in a box full of spiders except on Fear Factor. But I feel like I've heard about fighting phobias with phobias, so I'm guessing everybody reading this has heard an anecdote or two about it as well. Also I think it was in the Bible. Anyway, it's a really exciting scene because Starfire is naked on every page! But only sickos and pervs thought it was sexy. I can't believe anybody can have a boner while reading this! Although it's true that my penis doesn't understand context as well as I'd like it to. But I can't totally blame my penis for enjoying inappropriate images! Comic book artists need to stop drawing dead females as if they were sexily waiting for sex!

After everybody watches Phantasm rape Starfire to help her cope with her rape, they rush in and hug her because she's cured! Although she's probably still pregnant with a demon from Azaroth.

This issue is called "Aftermath" and it's broken up into chapters so we, the reader, can get a handle on all the relevant plots that will be dealt with post issue #100. I hope one of those plots is not Cyborg getting his mind back because I've got to admit that I find him more entertaining as a mindless automaton. At least he doesn't shout "Booyah!" every other page. I also would have hoped that the next chapter wasn't about Arsenal but I already turned the page to discover that it was about him.

Arsenal invented the Pocket Chaps for 80s heroes trying to transition into the 90s style.

The government wants Roy Harper to become leader of the Titans because the Titans are practically a terrorist group. Roy is all, "No! No! It's not the Titans' fault that the minister exploded! It was Raven's fault! And, yes, I know she's a Titan! But we thought she was killed when her father attacked New York! Which technically wasn't the Titans' fault either! Yes, yes, I know they also battled Jericho's dad and Changeling's dad and Starfire's sister and Wonder Girl's son from the future. But it's not their fault they were too busy dealing with family problems to actually do any good!" But the government was just too insistent. They just wouldn't back down from getting Roy to lead a team that was a complete hazard to New York because the only other alternative would be to shut the team down. And that wouldn't do anybody any good, especially DC Comics!

When Roy tell's Dick that it's best for the team if Dick took some time off, Dick attacks Roy because, as he says, "Friends don't turn on friends!" Newer comic book fans often find it hard to believe there was a time that Dick Grayson was the worst character in the DC Universe. But then they don't realize there was also a time that Dick Grayson was mostly written by Marv Wolfman.

Roy and Dick both keep using the pronoun "us" when arguing about the government's desire to control "metagenetics." These two privileged fucks! They don't have one metagenetic gene between them!

Chapter three is about Changeling, or Beast Boy as he was previously and postviously known, once everybody realized that "Changeling" was a stupid fucking name. Not that Beast Boy is going to win any Pulitzers. Fuck, hardly any superhero names are any good, really. Superman? Batman? Spider-man? I guess they didn't get good until the 90s when everybody had to have a name composed of two of the following words: blood, death, shot, and kill.

Big deal! One Titan possibly saved one life in 101 issues! I've saved more lives than that (if you count all the people I haven't killed (which is a lot more than you'd imagine)).

Changeling can hardly turn into animals at all anymore. Now he more easily turns into Lovecraftian nightmare creatures that drive people insane. But nobody needs to worry about that. He saved one cop!

New Titans #101 Rating: The Titans mostly just fight among themselves this issue. The world isn't much better off for their existence. Two cops may have been saved (although their car never explodes so it's more like zero cops were saved if you want to be a cynical asshole about it (and I do)) but four criminals were driven insane. I guess if you're a Republican, that's a pretty sweet trade off. But if you're not a monster, you might still think the Titans are more of a hazard than a benefit to society. Hopefully things will change around for them in Issue #102 when they get a leader who isn't a self-obsessed prick with a severe Batman-daddy complex.

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